Anxiety killed the Advo.cat

I am at the end of CD 12 now, and ovulation is nowhere in sight based on my CM and OPK's. I know it is still very early. I know that CM may not be the best indicator because it is inhibited by the Clomid. I know that it is just a question of WHEN, not IF I ovulate because I always do eventually. I know that chances are I will at the very least ovulate much sooner than I typically do. I know that when it happens, I will be armed with progesterone suppositories to deal with any luteal phase problems.

I know all of these things, and yet I am more anxious than I have ever been. I just want it to work already! [Stomps feet]

I wanted this to be the complete magical fix to all my problems. I had grand dreams of ovulating on CD 12 and getting a BFP on CD 22. A girl can dream, can't she?

But that is not going to happen and I have to accept it. I just wish there was some way of knowing that this will not be one of my usual 60-70 day cycles. SIGH.

I don't feel anything

Taking my last Clomid pill today and I am slightly disappointed to say that I have felt no side-effect.

I had a horrible headache on Wednesday night, but I'm pretty certain that was a caffeine withdrawal headache (I am very sesitive to caffeine so if I consume it, I get a headache the next day - happens all the time).

I don't know what hot flashes feel like, but I don't think I had any. Actually, the fact that I don't know what they are probably means that I haven't ever had one.

No cramps to report either. Lame.

How do I know the Clomid is working? Must I wait another whole week to see if I ovulate? I want to know NOW, dammit.

Shit Infertiles Say

Before you get all up in my face, let's be clear: I do not enjoy the never-ending stream of "Shit _____ say" memes flooding the interwebs. The first one was funny, and there may be some other good ones, but it's pretty annoying at this point.

Having said that... =)

Out of curiosity, I searched for "Shit Infertiles Say" and got zero hits*! Seriously? If I had the money, time, and directorial and filmmaking skills (Mo - maybe you could pitch in for those?), I would make a pretty great "Shit Infertiles Say" video!

So many ideas rushing through my head right now.

"I thought I was having early pregnancy cramps, but it was just that enchillada I had for lunch."

"Wow, they really do look like eggwhites!"

"I can't believe that crack whore is pushing a twin stroller. Not fair."

"I thought I was ovulating, but it was just that enchillada I had for lunch."

"Must. Stop. Eating. To Fill. Emotional. Void."

"I can't go to the party tonight, my ovaries are hyper-stimulated."

"I thought I was finally getting my period, but it was just that enchillada I had for lunch."

and the most comical/enraging of all...

"Babydust!!!!!"

*if someone already did make this meme and I was too dumb to find it, please correct me.

P.S. I would love to hear more ideas for this video. I think there's great potential here.

Is that a UFO?

No, that is not a picture of a UFO spotted in the sky. Rather, it is a tiny little clomid pill on my table. It is so incredibly tiny, I almost can't believe it has the power to do anything. And yet, all of my hopes and dreams rest on this little disc of pharmaceutical magic.

Into my mouth it goes. Gulp.

It Begins

Here we go! After impatiently waiting for the crimson tide to arrive, we are finally on CD1 and ready to commence the first cycle on Clomid.

I was instructed to take it on days 3-7. I still can't figure out whether that is going to produce more eggs, or better quality eggs, but it probably doesn't make a huge difference. First pill will be on Tuesday and if I have side effects then I will have to bear with them during the work week. Blargh.

On that note, I am actually starting to get concerned about the effect that work is having on my health and fertility. I work long hours and have had no time for exercise or relaxation. On top of that, it is a high stress environment and I have had several days in the past few weeks where I border on panic attack/mental breakdown. This leads to insomnia which in turn makes me even more tired/stressed. It is probably not a good thing for TTC, but what freaks me out the most is the thought of being pregnant under these circumstances.

I think if end up getting knocked up for good this time I will have to be honest and clear with my employers about the fact that I will not be putting myself through any excessive stress. If they can't accept that, then we are going to have to part ways. At this point, that is a very easy decision for me to make because my priorities after 3 miscarriages are very clear.

Feelings at this moment: on the one hand - excitement and hope that this will make me function like a normal woman and I will ovulate in 2 weeks, produce a good quality fresh egg, get pregnant and carry to term. On the other hand - fear that either clomid will not work at all (ack!) or that it will make me ovulate but I will not get pregnant and we'll have to repeat the experiment.

Updates of all kinds

This post is about two things. Let's do the easier one first.

Firstly, I believe that I just ovulated on CD 43...

I wish my body would just normalize to a regular length cycle, but at least this means I won't need to take to take provera to bring on a period. That shit nearly killed me last time. This way, I know I will have a new cycle in a couple of weeks and can start on... CLOMID!

Yes, that is the second thing. We purposefully did not try this cycle because I want to try with a proper day 14 or 15 ovulation and not a 40 day old egg. So I got the drugs yesterday - provera to start new cycle (which is not necessary now that I ovulated on my own), clomid to take CD 3-7, and some fabulous progesterone suppositories for the luteal phase. From what I've heard, those suppositories are going to be fun but it could be worse. At least they don't go in your rear end like Hubbs thought...

I am stoked. Everything is playing out nicely with this cycle ending in a couple of weeks. Then I just really hope the clomid works right away and it only takes one try. Easy peasy, right? Yeah, because everything has been super easy so far...

All the meds came to over $400! That's for a 6 month supply in case I need it, but thank god for health insurance...

The only complaint about all this is that we still don't have the results of karyotyping from miscarriage #3. We sent it off to the lab on October 7th... this is getting ridiculous.

So right now I'm very excited about all the new things we're trying and hopeful that it will work. At the same time I am scared that even clomidia, as Hubbs likes to call it, will not be potent enough to make my body ovulate earlier. Only time will tell.

Things I like about my body

Reading my previous post again, I realize how horribly cynical and sarcastic I sound. Let it be known that this is only one part of how I view things, and a pretty small one at that. Here's a list of 10 positive things about my body. What are yours?

1. I have killer legs from being an athlete for so many years, and they are probably going to stay this way forever
2. I've recently stopped getting acne - feels soooo goooood
3. I don't get dry skin unless I'm dehydrated for a prolonged period of time
4. I get one headache per year
5. I get one cold/flu per year and usually recover within 3 days
6. My hair tends to actually look better as the day goes on - I don't know how, but moisture in the air is beneficial somehow.
7. I have small feet, which I think is better than having large feet.
8. When I gain weight, it goes mostly to my boobs.
9. I have good co-ordination which enables me to play pretty much any sport decently well (even golf and tennis).
10. I am one inch above average height (more on other continents).