Stuck in neutral

It's March 19th and I'm 19DPO.

I haven't bothered to go for a blood test but the HPT's are getting progressively darker.

During my last pregnancy, I had a brief bleeding episode at 18DPO before going on to have a missed miscarriage and D&C a month later. This time there has been no bleeding, but that could just be thanks to the progesterone suppositories.

Not bleeding is a good sign, but at the same time I don't have any major pregnancy symptoms either. No hint of nausea, no major fatigue... so that's not very comforting.

All in all, I am feeling stuck in neutral. When you've miscarried multiple times, there is a 2 week wait for the BFP, but then there is a 2 month wait for the 12 week "safety" mark. I've never gotten there, but I presume that if I do get there, the 2 month wait will just turn into a continuous wait until that baby is born alive and healthy.

So that's where things stand. The one thing I have to look forward to is an appointment with my OB on Wednesday. I will only be 5 weeks at that point so there won't be much to see on ultrasound, but at least she will refer me for the blood HCG test and probably some other ones.

Can someone please push the fast forward button??

A Typical Sunday

This Sunday could have been special. It could have been different and exciting and wonderful. But it is just an ordinary Sunday, the same as last week and the week before that.

I am 11DPO and decided it was time to peek on a stick. It was positive. I did not feel joy or surprise or anything for that matter. I was mostly "meh" about it.

I went over to hubbs and told him. He gave me the customary hug and smile.

We went about the rest of our day.

Being the fourth time around, it doesn't mean anything anymore. Which is probably a good thing. If it meant as much as it did the first time, I would not be ready to handle another loss.

... and on that note... POSITIVE THOUGHTS POSITIVE THOUGHTS POSITIVE THOUGHTS



I read this quote in Uncle Tom's Cabin (currently reading it in an attempt to meet my 2012 book reading goal of a measly 4 books - which I FAILED to meet in 2011):

Chapter IX: "There are in this world blessed souls, whose sorrows all spring up into joys for others; whose earthly hopes, laid in the grave with many tears, are the seed from which spring eternal healing flowers and balm for the desolate and the distressed."

This quote beautifully and succinctly expresses the change I've noticed in myself in my ability to be happy for others when good things happen, and to empathize with others when bad things happen.

Before all this dead baby shit, I didn't know how to react when tragic things happened to other people. I didn't know what to say, or how to say it. Now, I just have this instinctive response, I can't even describe what it is exactly. But I know how to look at the person, when to listen and when to talk, when to touch them and when to keep my distance. When people are depressed, my reaction is not "get over it, you whiner". It's "yep, been there".

This is why great music is made by angry/depressed people - they know how to relate.

In the thick of it

Progesterone suppositories - not as bad as I thought, not that great either.

I've been on them for 3 days now and they are not as leaky as I thought, but still some of it comes out (more so during the day when I'm moving around). The part I dislike the most is how they leave this thick paste inside, which makes me afraid to engage in marital activity for fear it would seriously gross out the hubbs. Plus, the thickness would probably make lube necessary, and then the two will mix and be even more gross...

The only other complaint about them so far is the bloating/constipation. I already feel fat as it is, having gained about 15 pounds since the last miscarriage. This is not helping my self esteem.

On the bright side, look at this beautiful *almost normal* chart! This cycle would be under 40 days long (although I'm hoping it goes for 9 months).

That's more like it!

So THAT's what a positive OPK looks like with these stupid green sticks. This is looking very promising... nyezzz...

Clomid Cycle 1 Update

A brief summary of this first (and hopefully last??) Clomid cycle.

• Side effects: given the low dose (50mg), it is not surprising that I didn't feel much in the way of side effects. I was most concerned about the effect it might have on my CM, but at this moment it looks like quite the opposite is occuring. Throw these eggwhites into the frying pan! Gross? Maybe a little.
• Did it work? Complicated question. I did not ovulate on CD14 as hoped. However, I am now on CD24 with very promising CM and if I ovulate in the next week it will still be the earliest ever for me. This morning my temp took a huge dip and I hope that's a "pre-ovulation dip". Better get busy in the sack! 

I guess this all brings up the question of whether I should increase the dosage for next cycle if I don't get pregnant this time. Probably yes. Or perhaps I will inquire about a trigger shot to get that egg down sooner (thanks for that tip, Amy).

So that's the update so far. Hopefully I will ovulate soon and then we will go through a similar evaluation with the progesterone suppositories. Though I have a feeling those will be way more fun interesting.

Halp!

This is a super lame question, because at this point I should be able to answer it myself in 5 seconds, but I just switched to a new type of OPK strips and I don't know what a positive (for me) looks like with these. See how the test line is as dark as the control but only on the edge? All of my previous OPK's with the old brand were blank or hardly noticeable at all.

What do you think? Could it be? If I ovulate tomorrow (CD 23), it would be the earliest ever!

Kthnxbai.