This blog is *almost* 100% for me. I would be lying if I said when I write on here, I don't keep in mind what potential readers might think/like/dislike. Still, I have a pretty good policy on only writing when I feel like it, and I don't worry too much about posting to keep people constantly entertained.
So I haven't posted in like... I don't know... a LONG TIME. And I honestly feel no guilt about it. Even at this moment, I don't really feel like it... but I know in my mind that I should write down my thoughts today so that I can have a record of them tomorrow. Why tomorrow? Tomorrow is results day. I will be meeting with the OB to discuss the results of genetic testing from the last (third) miscarriage.
I think I should write down my thoughts about it now, while I am unencumbered by various facts and emotions that may skew my perspective and make me think more negatively about it.
There are really two possible outcomes tomorrow.
Possible Outcome #1: the test reveals a genetic abnormality. This will mean that there is no evidence that I am unable to support a pregnancy - just that there was a genetic mistake. Since I've had three miscarriages, there might be an egg quality issue or a compatibility issue between me and hubbs. I suspect that there is an egg quality issue because all three babies were conceived very late in my cycle (around CD50) which can result in deteriorated eggs. They may do additional tests, but the prescription will probably be Clomid to speed up ovulation and possibly progesterone just in case.
Possible Outcome #2: the test reveals no genetic abnormality. This means that there might be something wrong with my ability to support a pregnancy. Since all of my miscarriages have been early on, this may suggest progesterone deficiency. If my previously undetected hypothyroidism was the problem, then I am already taking synthroid for that. They may do other tests, but the prescription will probably be Clomid and progesterone.
Soooooo... I don't know for sure if that's how things will play out, but it seems like the eventual plan will be the same. No reason to panic. Just take it one step at a time.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Time
They say time flies when you're having fun, but I am learning that time also flies when you're not (obsessively)vTTC.
I thought it would be painstaking to sit around and wait for a new cycle, the karyotyping test results, doctor's appointments, etc. before we could start trying again. I can't say it has been a piece of cake, but it hasn't been that bad either. I think it has to do with the fact that I'm not tracking twenty things every day. I am not temping the moment I wake up. I am not checking CM every few hours. I am not peeing on OPK's twice a day for weeks on end (which is what you have to do when you have 60-90 day cycles). I am not wishing it was tomorrow already so I could try all those things again in the hopes of seeing the temp rise, or positive OPK, or eggwhite CM, or the BPF.
So here I am, 16 days after the D&C, and it honestly feels a little bit like "woah, where did the time go?".
I thought it would be painstaking to sit around and wait for a new cycle, the karyotyping test results, doctor's appointments, etc. before we could start trying again. I can't say it has been a piece of cake, but it hasn't been that bad either. I think it has to do with the fact that I'm not tracking twenty things every day. I am not temping the moment I wake up. I am not checking CM every few hours. I am not peeing on OPK's twice a day for weeks on end (which is what you have to do when you have 60-90 day cycles). I am not wishing it was tomorrow already so I could try all those things again in the hopes of seeing the temp rise, or positive OPK, or eggwhite CM, or the BPF.
So here I am, 16 days after the D&C, and it honestly feels a little bit like "woah, where did the time go?".
Thursday, October 20, 2011
This is my life
Senior Partner: Can you come to the Disney on Ice thing and chaperone little kids of our clients?
Me: I'm not good with small humans.
Senior Partner: You're not helpful. But I guess it's good news for us that you're not interested in having children.
Me: I'm not good with small humans.
Senior Partner: You're not helpful. But I guess it's good news for us that you're not interested in having children.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Break from the universe
It has been so long since I posted on here that I can't even remember what event I wrote about last. I think it was the second ultrasound showing an almost non-existent heartbeat. I then had a third ultrasound a week later where it was confirmed that the baby had died, it looked like at about 6 weeks, though I should have been 10 weeks.
Two days after the confirmation ultrasound I had a D&C, which was my first. The previous two miscarriages happened much faster and on their own, but this time was different. There was a heartbeat. There was no bleeding. All symptoms persisted. But alas, it didn't work out.
I was glad to have the D&C because I just couldn't deal with dragging it out any longer, plus I was happy to skip the painful process of actually miscarrying. It was also a good choice this time because we are now eligible for the triple loser testing (i.e. chromosomal testing on the products of conception). So I would much rather have them take everything out in one procedure than be walking around collecting my own blood clots for 3 days.
The D&C experience was pretty sickening at the time that it happened. They gave me the option of waiting a week to have it done in a dedicated area for pregnancy loss patients, or doing it right away mixed in with all the abortion patients. I could care less about other people's choices, but I did not enjoy spending two hours in a waiting area with people whose every word hit a sensitive nerve in an already stressful situation.
I also did not enjoy the fact that 5 minutes after I stumbled out of the clinic, still pretty drugged out, my OB's receptionist called to cancel my pre-natal appointments for October and November because they were obviously no longer required... ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!!?!
But having said all that, now in retrospect I am as content with how things went as I could be in the circumstances. I had a bit of spotting for a couple of hours after the procedure but nothing since. I felt cramping for about a day or two afterwards, I think from everything shrinking back down, but no pain after that. I think that is an unusually uncomplicated post-D&C experience and I am very grateful for that.
Though the physical recovery has been easy, I cannot say the same about the mental/emotional. It didn't help that while this was all happening, a good friend of mine had her third baby, and several people announced their pregnancies on FB (some with the same due date as me - which means they did it before 12 weeks - which is fine because nothing bad will happen to them now that I am the statistic). I know a lot of people talk about how pregnancy announcements can sting, but I haven't really had that before because people here tend to wait until late 20's/early 30's to have kids, with some exceptions. So this is a new, poorly-timed development for me. Oh well.
I stayed off of this blog for a few weeks because honestly, every time I think about this I start to cry. Mascara has not been worn for a long time. But as with everything, eventually the pain lessens and I start thinking about other things more and more, and life moves on.
In the next few months, as we await the results of the genetic testing and let my body heal, I am focussing on getting back in shape, getting back into my hobbies, spending more time with friends and drinking as much wine as I can handle. It will not make things better. It will not make me forget. It will not make me any more optimistic about the future, but it will be something to do to pass the time.
Two days after the confirmation ultrasound I had a D&C, which was my first. The previous two miscarriages happened much faster and on their own, but this time was different. There was a heartbeat. There was no bleeding. All symptoms persisted. But alas, it didn't work out.
I was glad to have the D&C because I just couldn't deal with dragging it out any longer, plus I was happy to skip the painful process of actually miscarrying. It was also a good choice this time because we are now eligible for the triple loser testing (i.e. chromosomal testing on the products of conception). So I would much rather have them take everything out in one procedure than be walking around collecting my own blood clots for 3 days.
The D&C experience was pretty sickening at the time that it happened. They gave me the option of waiting a week to have it done in a dedicated area for pregnancy loss patients, or doing it right away mixed in with all the abortion patients. I could care less about other people's choices, but I did not enjoy spending two hours in a waiting area with people whose every word hit a sensitive nerve in an already stressful situation.
I also did not enjoy the fact that 5 minutes after I stumbled out of the clinic, still pretty drugged out, my OB's receptionist called to cancel my pre-natal appointments for October and November because they were obviously no longer required... ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!!?!
But having said all that, now in retrospect I am as content with how things went as I could be in the circumstances. I had a bit of spotting for a couple of hours after the procedure but nothing since. I felt cramping for about a day or two afterwards, I think from everything shrinking back down, but no pain after that. I think that is an unusually uncomplicated post-D&C experience and I am very grateful for that.
Though the physical recovery has been easy, I cannot say the same about the mental/emotional. It didn't help that while this was all happening, a good friend of mine had her third baby, and several people announced their pregnancies on FB (some with the same due date as me - which means they did it before 12 weeks - which is fine because nothing bad will happen to them now that I am the statistic). I know a lot of people talk about how pregnancy announcements can sting, but I haven't really had that before because people here tend to wait until late 20's/early 30's to have kids, with some exceptions. So this is a new, poorly-timed development for me. Oh well.
I stayed off of this blog for a few weeks because honestly, every time I think about this I start to cry. Mascara has not been worn for a long time. But as with everything, eventually the pain lessens and I start thinking about other things more and more, and life moves on.
In the next few months, as we await the results of the genetic testing and let my body heal, I am focussing on getting back in shape, getting back into my hobbies, spending more time with friends and drinking as much wine as I can handle. It will not make things better. It will not make me forget. It will not make me any more optimistic about the future, but it will be something to do to pass the time.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Abort/retry/fail?
A lolCat google search is like the Bible - you can find a relevant entry for any situation in life. As with me today:
I couldn't wait a whole week to find out what was going on after yesterday's horrendous OB visit, so I moved up my dating scan to this afternoon. Suspicions confirmed: the baby only measured 5w4d with a lame-ass heartbeat of 85bpm.
I am partly relieved it is so small, as this means I can probably avoid a D&C and go the natural route. The less it grows the less painful it will be coming out. Funsies!
Not sure what happens when they know it's not viable but there is still a heartbeat. Do I have to wait it out? That could take a long time. I am ready to abort and retry... with a potential for more fail.
I am trying to focus on the things I can do now that I've been putting off - like drinking some delicious wine we bought in Oregon two months ago. Getting my hair dyed (maybe). Doing hot yoga and running around to feel glorious endorphins. Boning my husband fearlessly. So much to do, so little time...
Wow, this really sucks. I think I will be ok eventually. I always am.
I couldn't wait a whole week to find out what was going on after yesterday's horrendous OB visit, so I moved up my dating scan to this afternoon. Suspicions confirmed: the baby only measured 5w4d with a lame-ass heartbeat of 85bpm.
I am partly relieved it is so small, as this means I can probably avoid a D&C and go the natural route. The less it grows the less painful it will be coming out. Funsies!
Not sure what happens when they know it's not viable but there is still a heartbeat. Do I have to wait it out? That could take a long time. I am ready to abort and retry... with a potential for more fail.
I am trying to focus on the things I can do now that I've been putting off - like drinking some delicious wine we bought in Oregon two months ago. Getting my hair dyed (maybe). Doing hot yoga and running around to feel glorious endorphins. Boning my husband fearlessly. So much to do, so little time...
Wow, this really sucks. I think I will be ok eventually. I always am.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
The Saga Continues
I am so exhausted.
Went for my OB appointment today, which I had scheduled before I knew I was pregnant (the plan was to get a prescription for Clomid). Then I fould out I was pregnant and kept the appointment as my first "pre-natal" visit.
First the receptionist forgot to put me in the queue after I had checked in, so I ended up waiting an hour and a half to see the doctor. Finally, she came in and asked me a few questions then proceeded to do an ultrasound. It was a vaginal one, but she said her equipment is not the best.
We saw a heartbeat but she said I was only measuring around 6 weeks. I should be 7w3d now, maybe off by a couple of days, but 7 weeks at the very least.
She said her equipment was not very accurate and it was hard to measure, and that this early on the difference is so small that everything could be fine given we see a heartbeat. We will have a better sense of what is going on when I go for the dating ultrasound at the clinic with the good equipment. That will be exactly one week from today.
But then she pulls out a cup and tells me that if I were to miscarry I should put the products of conception into the cup and bring it to the lab for testing, as I would now (on my 3rd miscarriage) qualify for genetic testing.
I don't know what to make of this. Sounds like it could go either way at this point.
So I continue to live in limbo, at the very least until next week's dating ultrasound. I feel like I am being strung along and my courage is fading. My worst fear now is that I will miscarry much later in the pregnancy than I did before, which will be more painful and potentially will require a D&C. Oh, the fun never ends.
Went for my OB appointment today, which I had scheduled before I knew I was pregnant (the plan was to get a prescription for Clomid). Then I fould out I was pregnant and kept the appointment as my first "pre-natal" visit.
First the receptionist forgot to put me in the queue after I had checked in, so I ended up waiting an hour and a half to see the doctor. Finally, she came in and asked me a few questions then proceeded to do an ultrasound. It was a vaginal one, but she said her equipment is not the best.
We saw a heartbeat but she said I was only measuring around 6 weeks. I should be 7w3d now, maybe off by a couple of days, but 7 weeks at the very least.
She said her equipment was not very accurate and it was hard to measure, and that this early on the difference is so small that everything could be fine given we see a heartbeat. We will have a better sense of what is going on when I go for the dating ultrasound at the clinic with the good equipment. That will be exactly one week from today.
But then she pulls out a cup and tells me that if I were to miscarry I should put the products of conception into the cup and bring it to the lab for testing, as I would now (on my 3rd miscarriage) qualify for genetic testing.
I don't know what to make of this. Sounds like it could go either way at this point.
So I continue to live in limbo, at the very least until next week's dating ultrasound. I feel like I am being strung along and my courage is fading. My worst fear now is that I will miscarry much later in the pregnancy than I did before, which will be more painful and potentially will require a D&C. Oh, the fun never ends.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Wake me up when September ends
This is going to be a brutal month. I've been working 15 hour days consistently for the past couple of weeks and I don't think I can last much longer. I'm not complaining about having awesome pregnancy symptoms, but it doesn't help my work productivity when I'm nauseated, hungry and tired. September/October tend to be busy because people come back from summer holidays and realize they should probably get stuff done. I don't mind being busy - it's better than sitting around twiddling my thumbs - but I wish it didn't coincide with this delicate first trimester, which is proving to be tough both mentally and physically.
On the upside, being knocked up is great for my self-esteem. Food aversions have led to a bit of weight loss (nothing to be concerned about) which makes my clothes fit a bit more comfortably. Also, my skin has never looked better, and my hair now stays smooth and non-greasy for days. I just look really pale and drained most of the time, but nothing a little rouge can't fix! So basically, I look like a Hollywood celebrity - malnourished but fabulous.
I must confess, I am now 6w4d and I haven't gone for an ultrasound yet. Partially due to being so busy, but partially because I am afraid of the possible heartbreak of being told that despite everything, this is not viable. I just want to enjoy this time and believe that everything is ok. I already had an ultrasound scheduled for around the 8 week mark, so I will just go to that one in a couple weeks. In the meantime, let me live in blissful ignorance of bad things.
On the upside, being knocked up is great for my self-esteem. Food aversions have led to a bit of weight loss (nothing to be concerned about) which makes my clothes fit a bit more comfortably. Also, my skin has never looked better, and my hair now stays smooth and non-greasy for days. I just look really pale and drained most of the time, but nothing a little rouge can't fix! So basically, I look like a Hollywood celebrity - malnourished but fabulous.
I must confess, I am now 6w4d and I haven't gone for an ultrasound yet. Partially due to being so busy, but partially because I am afraid of the possible heartbreak of being told that despite everything, this is not viable. I just want to enjoy this time and believe that everything is ok. I already had an ultrasound scheduled for around the 8 week mark, so I will just go to that one in a couple weeks. In the meantime, let me live in blissful ignorance of bad things.
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