Oh no you di'int: Annoying things people say/do regarding my child

I have occasionally come across articles on "what not to say" to someone who has had a miscarriage. I think such articles are helpful because miscarriage is hard to understand from an outside perspective. It's an unfortunate, unfair thing that we all wish didn't happen.

In the course of the last 3 months, I have determined that similar articles should be written and widely publicized to inform people of "what not to say" to someone with a newborn. It is strange that people need to be told things which, to me, seem so obvious and rational even if you have never had kids, but perhaps my faith in humanity is unfounded?

Here are some gems I've collected in the last few months that seriously drive me up. the. wall.

1. "Let her cry, it's good for her lungs". Really? You don't think she's using her only mode of communication to indicate a need? You believe it's her daily lung exercises? Well, that makes a lot of sense. When I get up in the morning, I like to do a bit of screaming to get the old lungs going. It was recommended to me by my cardio-pulmonary specialist. Apparently Michael Phelps credits his epic lung capacity to his parents letting him cry bloody murder instead of changing his diaper.

2. "You're letting her control you". Yezzzz, my newborn is a diabolical schemer! She's plotting to take over the world, and step one is to control mommy. I generally have a serious problem with people who think that the baby needs to learn to do as she's told. She doesn't have that capacity yet, and if you try to force your will upon her, NOBODY ends up happy.

3. And last but certainly not least - people who make animal noises/calls at my baby... oh my god, if I ever get violent with someone it will likely be because they barked, meowed, chirped or whistled at my baby. Ok, I get that you don't know how to do baby talk - I don't either - but that's no reason to resort to communication from the animal kingdom. Just talk to her like a normal person. Say "hello". And I'm not talking about when you're showing her a picture of a cow or a dog in the park. It's totally acceptable to make an animal noise in reference to the actual animal that makes such noise.

Kthxbai

Positivity Bubble

That's it. I'm creating a positivity bubble and I'm going to live in it for the next few years, at least. Probably longer. What is up with people whining and only saying negative things about having/raising babies. For example:

"Get lots of sleep now because you'll never sleep again"

"Enjoy time with your husband before the baby gets here, because afterwards you'll be too tired and busy"

"Take the epidural. Trust me."

I really wish I had a clever one-liner that I could respond with. 

Thanks for pointing out that my life is going to be different after the baby is born, and that I will have to make sacrifices, and that there might be some pain involved. I really appreciate all the advice, but just so you know, I have already suffered and sacrificed and changed my life just to get pregnant. If all you get from your kids is pain and inconvenience, then you were obviously not in the same place I was before having them. 

I swear I only hear one positive or encouraging thing for every twenty annoying negative remarks. I think people in our society have been conditioned to take this negative perspective because for some reason it is better to be independent and free versus responsible for/dependent on another person. It is better to never feel pain, even if it has a purpose that brings great joy. Ultimately, being free of responsibility and pain is impossible, so you end up thinking your life sucks. I refuse to set myself up for that.

From one infertile to another

Hubbs told his brother and SIL about our incubating burrito. We knew this was going to be an awkward conversation because they are unable to conceive (like, 100% not going to happen). I was not looking forward to it because I didn't want to hurt the SIL and I knew that it was going to hurt. A lot. What happened, though, was a bit unexpected.

I thought they would give us a quick congratulations, fake smile and a hug and we would leave them feeling really guilty because we could tell they were hiding their pain. It was not so. Instead, they started by asking whether it was "natural" and when we told them we used clomid they said "you know there's a high risk of twins with that" as if (a) we didn't already know that, and (b) we would be upset about having twins. Basically they made us feel like we had committed some crime by using medication.

Then, SIL announced that there is no way she is coming to my baby shower. Un-freaking-believable! First of all, who said I would have a baby shower and that she would be invited? Ok, I would probably end up having one, and yeah, I'd probably invite her, but why are we bringing this up now? In my opinion, that is a very selfish thing to say/do. A week after my third miscarriage, I went to a baby shower. It was not the best time of my life by any means. It was hard. I cried as soon as I was out of there. But I went. Because we all have to learn to be happy for other people in spite of our own pain. I guess my SIL does not have that strength. Maybe it's different for her because she has absolutely zero hope (though trust me, I felt zero hope too at that time in my journey). But saying something so self-centred in that moment made me realize that I don't need to waste my time feeling guilty about hurting her feelings. She clearly has little concern for mine.