Last chance babydance

Well, this is it. Cycle day 23 and no ovulation yet. Hubbs is going on a two-week trip for work tomorrow so unless eggie drops in the next few days, today's army of spermies will not be victorious. But then again, I may not ovulate for still another two weeks, and we won't miss the window of opportunity after all. Who knows! Bahahahaha [maniacal laugh].

Copy Kitty

Stole these from MommyOdyssey. Who doesn't love to talk about themselves?

1. Age: 26.
2. Blog Title Inspiration: I love pussy? I love law?
3. Chore You Hate: Scrubbing the bathtub. I am a small person. It is a large tub.
4. Day at the Beach or Cozy Rainy Day? My propensity to burn after 5 minutes in the sun (even with SPF 60) makes beach days a pain. Coincidentally, my city has 350 rainy days a year or something, so not much choice.
5. Essential Start Your Day Item: Roll left - BBT thermometer. Roll right - check Blackberry.
6. Favorite Color: Is "sparkly" a colour? Just kidding. I'll content myself with Tiffanys teal. Teehee.

1. Gold or Silver? Quoting directly from MommyOddyssey: "Silver. Definitely. Even my engagement ring and wedding ring are in white gold. Don’t know why, but I associate gold with guidos. Just don’t like it."
2. Height: 5’5″ on a good day. 
3. Instruments You Play: Learning to play the piano right now! It's been about a year and I'm marginally better than a 6 year old.
4. Job Title: Lawyer.
5. Kids: 2 miscarriages.
6. Live: Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, North America, Northern Hemisphere, Planet Earth, Solar Galaxy, Milky Way.
7. Mom’s Name: Don't be talkin' bout my mamma.
8. Book Currently on Your Nightstand: The Writings of Ghandi... buried underneath a bunch of trashy magazines.
9. Nickname: None that I wish to promote.
10. Overnight Hospital Stays? Nevah!
11. Pet Peeve: People who smoke in parks, especially if I'm jogging by.
12. Quote from a Movie: "The question isn't what are we going to do. The question is what aren't we going to do." - Ferris Bueller
13. Right or Left Handed? Right handed in writing, left handed in sports. Weird, I know.
14. Siblings: Brother.
15. Time You Wake Up? Physically up at 7am, mentally alert after noon.
16. Underwear: Lululemon thongs.
17. Vegetable You Dislike: NONE. All vegetables are delicious. Especially delicious are onions, beets, cucumbers, mushrooms, and broccoli. Unfortunately for my parents, I only came to this realization at the age of 20.
18. What Makes You Run Late: Being unable to locate one of the three essential items - keys, wallet, phone. I run through this checklist any time I'm leaving any place. Have lost my stuff so many times...
19. Yummy Food You Make: I am no gourmet chef, but my grilled cheese sandwich is famous. In my university residence days, I had hungry students lined up out the door for one.
20. Zoo, Favorite Animal: Any member of the feline species, but particularly ones with spots. I am considering this for my next Halloween costume. What do you think?

And now it's YOUR turn!

Sobering Moment

I just found out that my former boss was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Apparently she's been off work for months getting treatment and the prognosis is not good.

She has 3 kids under 5.

When I really wanted to fuel my self-pity I would think about her super fertile powers and how unfair it was. Well, this gives "unfair" a whole new meaning.

And now, let us pause for a moment and be thankful for all that we have. Amen.

Having a Tom Cruise Moment

My employer has a stupid online "wellness" program that contains self-assessments tutorials on a variety of topics from nutrition, to addiction problems, to work-life balance. I never bother with this BS because it's generally a waste of time and an insult to my intelligence. However, in a recent monthly spam email they sent out, there was a link to a "depression self-assessment".

[Clue #1 that you are depressed - you click on stupid self-assessment quizzes.]

So in this assessment they list a bunch of propositions and you are supposed to rate how frequently you experienced them (from "almost never" to "every day"):

• I had trouble keeping my mind on what I was doing
• I felt hopeless about the future
• I felt fearful
• I talked less than usual
• I had crying spells
• I could not get "going"
• I felt that I was not as good as other people

Clue #2 you are depressed - you fail every single question on a depression self-assessment.

What's incredible is that I tend to sugar coat things and pretend like things don't bother me, so the fact that I immediately admitted to all of these is further evidence of a problem.

Clue #3 you are depressed - your response to failing a depression self-assessment is not staunch denial, but only further sadness and feelings of inadequacy.

So what does all of this have to do with Tom Cruise? Well, we all remember his "depression is not a disease" scandal, and how he criticized anyone who relied on medication to treat it. I don't agree with his conclusion that chemical imbalances don't exist, but I do wonder whether the feelings I am having are truly something that requires drug intervention.

My own personal preference has always been to leave drugs as a last resort, and fortunately I have rarely had to resort to them. At the same time, the prevalence of chemical therapy for depression has created an environment where people have little patience for those who are taking their time dealing with sadness the old fashioned (i.e. slow) way.

I am tired of pushing sadness down for the sake of other people. This has been a problem lately as I have chosen not to attend some social functions. I don't feel like putting on a happy face, especially on my day off when I should be doing things I want to do rather than things I have to do. The response is always "oh, come on, you'll have a good time once you get there" or "don't be such a boring no-fun loser". It's like being sad is no longer an acceptable state for anyone to be in for any period of time. Ok, fine, you can't be down in the dumps forever, but why can't you take your time to properly let out the sadness?

I realize that I'm stepping into controversial territory by saying all of this, but that's just how I feel, so eat me.

Wow. Just wow.

There are few things in this world I love as much as getting things in the mail. Possibly cats, diamonds, and pistachio ice cream... but I digress. Getting stuff in the mail is so exciting because it means: a) someone acknowledges your existence, b) they spent money on you (even if it is only the postage amount), and c) you don't know what's in there so it's a fun surprise.

However, today I think my love of getting mail took a serious hit when I received a letter from the Women's Hospital asking me what kind of room I would like to have for my impending delivery of a child in a few weeks. This is of course in reference to the baby I lost in miscarriage #1. The one where I attended the emergency room at THAT SAME hospital over 6 months ago, where they told me there was no heartbeat and it was a lost cause. THE SAME hospital where I subsequently attended a follow-up ultrasound to confirm that my uterus was completely empty. You've got to be fucking kidding me.

Needless to say some poor receptionist is going to get an ear full today.

Shallow thoughts of the week, episode 2

This week's selection:

1. To the senior partner I've been working for the past few days: I can see you've got hair plugs. They look obvious/awful/comical. In your attempt to look younger you have completely embarrassed yourself and lost my respect.

2. To the man in the elevator who started whistling at a baby as if she was a dog while her mother stood there trapped in horror: you should be sterilized.

3. If it rains one more day, I swear to god I'm going to shave my head. This frizz is wearing me down. Also, could the sun kindly return so that people stop poking me with their umbrellas. Seriously, people, did your mother not teach you that the "keep right" rule applies to pedestrians when umbrellas are out?

4. Must. Have. The iPhone 4.

Back to the middle of nowhere... aka CD 14

The title says it all, but I am in a whiny mood today so I will elaborate. Cycle Day 14 is the middle of something for most people. It is an exciting time of peeing on OPK's and doing it like rabbits. It is typically the beginning of the "two-week wait" which culminates in peeing on more sticks and experiencing phantom pregnancy symptoms. For most people CD 14 is special.

For me, CD 14 is no different than CD 13, or 12, or 11. In fact, it might as well be CD 1, because I probably won't drop an egg for at least another two weeks - if I'm lucky. My last cycle was around 70 days, and only ended thanks to the wonders of Provera.

In some ways, I am not overly upset about this because I know it's not a question of IF but merely WHEN. On the other hand, it's plain annoying - like picking the slowest grocery store check-out and watching all the other lines move fast. There is also the concern that such long cycles are the reason for my miscarriages (i.e. over-ripe eggies). This latter issue is the main reason I am contemplating trying Clomid even though I don't necessarily need it to get pregnant.

Regardless of whether it takes 14, 24, 34, or 44 days, I need to get knocked up this cycle because if I don't I will be epically depressed on baby #1's original due date of April 8. Come on eggie!!!