I have fallen off the face of the blogosphere for the past... 4 months or so. There have been many times I have thought to myself "I should really blog soon", but I just haven't mustered the strength. And nobody is on my case about it which is pretty nice for a change.
The past 4 months have been so crazy in the moment, and yet so uneventful in the long run. After all the paranoia and worry and "trying not to get my hopes up", we are in the viability zone. We are here and doing perfectly well, me and the burrito. Turns out the burrito has a pink taco (i.e. it's a girl). That is a terrible joke, but we have been having so much fun with the Mexican food themed baby talk lately that I can't control myself.
I have no major physical complaints other than a bit of back pain, which tends to go away if I am somewhat active. I have not been as active as I would like due to tiredness and work, but I'm in ok shape. Have gained about 12 pounds so far, which is totally acceptable.
I have more things to say, but am still too lazy to lay it all out here. More to follow.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
From one infertile to another
Hubbs told his brother and SIL about our incubating burrito. We knew this was going to be an awkward conversation because they are unable to conceive (like, 100% not going to happen). I was not looking forward to it because I didn't want to hurt the SIL and I knew that it was going to hurt. A lot. What happened, though, was a bit unexpected.
I thought they would give us a quick congratulations, fake smile and a hug and we would leave them feeling really guilty because we could tell they were hiding their pain. It was not so. Instead, they started by asking whether it was "natural" and when we told them we used clomid they said "you know there's a high risk of twins with that" as if (a) we didn't already know that, and (b) we would be upset about having twins. Basically they made us feel like we had committed some crime by using medication.
Then, SIL announced that there is no way she is coming to my baby shower. Un-freaking-believable! First of all, who said I would have a baby shower and that she would be invited? Ok, I would probably end up having one, and yeah, I'd probably invite her, but why are we bringing this up now? In my opinion, that is a very selfish thing to say/do. A week after my third miscarriage, I went to a baby shower. It was not the best time of my life by any means. It was hard. I cried as soon as I was out of there. But I went. Because we all have to learn to be happy for other people in spite of our own pain. I guess my SIL does not have that strength. Maybe it's different for her because she has absolutely zero hope (though trust me, I felt zero hope too at that time in my journey). But saying something so self-centred in that moment made me realize that I don't need to waste my time feeling guilty about hurting her feelings. She clearly has little concern for mine.
I thought they would give us a quick congratulations, fake smile and a hug and we would leave them feeling really guilty because we could tell they were hiding their pain. It was not so. Instead, they started by asking whether it was "natural" and when we told them we used clomid they said "you know there's a high risk of twins with that" as if (a) we didn't already know that, and (b) we would be upset about having twins. Basically they made us feel like we had committed some crime by using medication.
Then, SIL announced that there is no way she is coming to my baby shower. Un-freaking-believable! First of all, who said I would have a baby shower and that she would be invited? Ok, I would probably end up having one, and yeah, I'd probably invite her, but why are we bringing this up now? In my opinion, that is a very selfish thing to say/do. A week after my third miscarriage, I went to a baby shower. It was not the best time of my life by any means. It was hard. I cried as soon as I was out of there. But I went. Because we all have to learn to be happy for other people in spite of our own pain. I guess my SIL does not have that strength. Maybe it's different for her because she has absolutely zero hope (though trust me, I felt zero hope too at that time in my journey). But saying something so self-centred in that moment made me realize that I don't need to waste my time feeling guilty about hurting her feelings. She clearly has little concern for mine.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Twelve/Thirteen
I didn't post last week because there was nothing major to report and I figured I would wait until the OB appointment this week since she would probably do a scan. It turns out there was nothing to wait for as the OB did not scan. Booooo urns
I must say I'm pretty disappointed I didn't get to see the burrito. I am not eligible for an NT scan, so the next time I get to see anything on screen is at 19 weeks. Apparently at this point they just stick with the doppler, but I already have that at home. I wanted some extra reassurance before I go spreading the news to people. I don't think it's unreasonably for someone with my history to be hesitant even at this point. Well I guess I will just have to take her word that everything is fine.
The next little while is going to be awkward. I have gotten quite accustomed to keeping pregnancy a secret, and I am not looking forward to telling people. Part of that dread is that every time I talk about it I think about all the shitty things that led up to this point and I fear that it will end badly again. The people I'm going to be telling, for the most part, will not be aware of any of that. I wish everyone could understand that it was not an easy road and that we are still not sure of anything, but instead most people will just think it's all 100% great. I have to sort this out this mess in my head before I start talking to people.
The worst part will be telling people at work. I am one female amongst 7 men, and things are tense as it is. I guess the upside is I will hopefully have a full year's break from it.
I must say I'm pretty disappointed I didn't get to see the burrito. I am not eligible for an NT scan, so the next time I get to see anything on screen is at 19 weeks. Apparently at this point they just stick with the doppler, but I already have that at home. I wanted some extra reassurance before I go spreading the news to people. I don't think it's unreasonably for someone with my history to be hesitant even at this point. Well I guess I will just have to take her word that everything is fine.
The next little while is going to be awkward. I have gotten quite accustomed to keeping pregnancy a secret, and I am not looking forward to telling people. Part of that dread is that every time I talk about it I think about all the shitty things that led up to this point and I fear that it will end badly again. The people I'm going to be telling, for the most part, will not be aware of any of that. I wish everyone could understand that it was not an easy road and that we are still not sure of anything, but instead most people will just think it's all 100% great. I have to sort this out this mess in my head before I start talking to people.
The worst part will be telling people at work. I am one female amongst 7 men, and things are tense as it is. I guess the upside is I will hopefully have a full year's break from it.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Eleven
Thanks to You tube I have mastered the art of dopplering. I can now find the heartbeat within a minute. It is way lower than I thought - almost in the forested pubic region. It's pretty cool that I can do it every day and have that peace of mind. Truly magical.
So, with this new found source of confidence, I put up a cheesy ticker. Actually, I put up two. I figure I have to make up for the months I should have still had a ticker going in previous pregnancies.
Not everything is sunshine and roses, though. I got a blood test for anemia and thyroid (both problems I have had for some time). The thyroid came back great, but the anemia is the worst it has ever been. This is not surprising as it is common in pregnancy, but still I am so frustrated because I put so much effort into eating right to maximize my iron. The other frustrating thing is that, once again, my doctor is MIA. I only know these test results because I signed up for the online program where you can check yourself. If I was not so tech savvy, I would still be unaware of the problem. Is she even going to call me about it or is the report sitting somewhere on the bottom of a large pile of things to be ignored? Can I get some supplements or something? This is why I am going to probably switch to a midwife. I don't know why, but I have an impression that they would be more responsive than this.
In other news, nausea has subsided except for early morning and late evening. No complaints.
Wow. I can't believe we are still in the game.
So, with this new found source of confidence, I put up a cheesy ticker. Actually, I put up two. I figure I have to make up for the months I should have still had a ticker going in previous pregnancies.
Not everything is sunshine and roses, though. I got a blood test for anemia and thyroid (both problems I have had for some time). The thyroid came back great, but the anemia is the worst it has ever been. This is not surprising as it is common in pregnancy, but still I am so frustrated because I put so much effort into eating right to maximize my iron. The other frustrating thing is that, once again, my doctor is MIA. I only know these test results because I signed up for the online program where you can check yourself. If I was not so tech savvy, I would still be unaware of the problem. Is she even going to call me about it or is the report sitting somewhere on the bottom of a large pile of things to be ignored? Can I get some supplements or something? This is why I am going to probably switch to a midwife. I don't know why, but I have an impression that they would be more responsive than this.
In other news, nausea has subsided except for early morning and late evening. No complaints.
Wow. I can't believe we are still in the game.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Ten
Ten weeks.
In reading some other blogs lately, I see just how fortunate I am to be here and still have hope that this will work out. I have not enjoyed the last two years of shittiness, but I realize that in the grand scheme of things, it has not been as difficult for me as for many others. In that spirit, I do not wish to take any of it for granted, so I have accomplished a lot of things this week.
1. Finally tracked down some midwives. My preferred midwifery clinic in the neighbourhood was all full for November babies, but I was able to find two other clinics relatively nearby and have appointments at each of them to decide which one I would *hopefully* want to go with. It's nice to have options =) And no offense to my OB, but I see her as more of a surgical, clinical, super-scientific fem-bot. I think for the actual birth, I will need someone with bedside manner.
2. Rented a doppler. I was sure it was going to be expensive to rent it for a few months, plus the shipping costs, but it turns out there is a company in the province that rents them out at an awesome price ($29/month) and the shipping there and back is only $12. So I figured it was worth it financially, though it might not have been worth it if I was not able to find the heartbeat and it just freaked me out. I got it in the mail yesterday and tried it out. It was realllllly hard to find the heartbeat. I had to press into my belly and search around aimlessly for a long time but eventually managed to do it - once in the span of an hour. It was somewhere around 176 bpm, which is great. Then I tried again after dinner but could not find it. I don't understand whether it will always be in sort of the same place or will move around a lot. I found it on the right side of my lower abdomen, but then the next time it wasn't there... Meh, I'm not too concerned. I think I will hold off searching for it again until 11 weeks. Hearing it once yesterday will stave off my insanity for at least a week.
3. Found a prenatal yoga class on Sundays. Magical.
Things I am looking forward to:
1. Getting off the progesterone suppositories. OB said I can just quit cold turkey at 10 weeks but I am a little too paranoid at this point to do that. I think I will continue until 11 weeks and then slowly wean myself off between weeks 11 and 13.
2. Next OB appointment is in 3 weeks. Arghhhh. But my midwife "meet-and-greet" appointments are earlier, so maybe they will be nice and scan me.
3. The end of nausea is nigh. I can feel it lessening a bit over the past few days, but it is still constantly there, just a bit more subtle. This is not a huge problem, but it would be nice to get back to normal.
4. Thinking of putting up a lame ticker, but the fear of jinx prevails. Maybe later.
In reading some other blogs lately, I see just how fortunate I am to be here and still have hope that this will work out. I have not enjoyed the last two years of shittiness, but I realize that in the grand scheme of things, it has not been as difficult for me as for many others. In that spirit, I do not wish to take any of it for granted, so I have accomplished a lot of things this week.
1. Finally tracked down some midwives. My preferred midwifery clinic in the neighbourhood was all full for November babies, but I was able to find two other clinics relatively nearby and have appointments at each of them to decide which one I would *hopefully* want to go with. It's nice to have options =) And no offense to my OB, but I see her as more of a surgical, clinical, super-scientific fem-bot. I think for the actual birth, I will need someone with bedside manner.
2. Rented a doppler. I was sure it was going to be expensive to rent it for a few months, plus the shipping costs, but it turns out there is a company in the province that rents them out at an awesome price ($29/month) and the shipping there and back is only $12. So I figured it was worth it financially, though it might not have been worth it if I was not able to find the heartbeat and it just freaked me out. I got it in the mail yesterday and tried it out. It was realllllly hard to find the heartbeat. I had to press into my belly and search around aimlessly for a long time but eventually managed to do it - once in the span of an hour. It was somewhere around 176 bpm, which is great. Then I tried again after dinner but could not find it. I don't understand whether it will always be in sort of the same place or will move around a lot. I found it on the right side of my lower abdomen, but then the next time it wasn't there... Meh, I'm not too concerned. I think I will hold off searching for it again until 11 weeks. Hearing it once yesterday will stave off my insanity for at least a week.
3. Found a prenatal yoga class on Sundays. Magical.
Things I am looking forward to:
1. Getting off the progesterone suppositories. OB said I can just quit cold turkey at 10 weeks but I am a little too paranoid at this point to do that. I think I will continue until 11 weeks and then slowly wean myself off between weeks 11 and 13.
2. Next OB appointment is in 3 weeks. Arghhhh. But my midwife "meet-and-greet" appointments are earlier, so maybe they will be nice and scan me.
3. The end of nausea is nigh. I can feel it lessening a bit over the past few days, but it is still constantly there, just a bit more subtle. This is not a huge problem, but it would be nice to get back to normal.
4. Thinking of putting up a lame ticker, but the fear of jinx prevails. Maybe later.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Nine
I am nine weeks in. As of yesterday, there is still an appropriately sized human with a heartbeat in there. It has a huge head and tiny t-rex limbs. Apparently after 9 weeks it is no longer called an "embryo", but rather a "fetus".
I have a fetus. Why don't I feel any better?
I keep scaring myself with the thought that the fetus is now so big that if I miscarried again, I would definitely have a D&C - that is not something I want to do again.
I have had a scan every two weeks so far, but now I have to wait an entire MONTH for the next one. Don't know how I will make it for a whole month... but then I will hopefully be 13 weeks and over the biggest hump.
Wow, this post is very choppy and negative. Maybe I need to get off my ass and exercise to release some endorphins.
I have a fetus. Why don't I feel any better?
I keep scaring myself with the thought that the fetus is now so big that if I miscarried again, I would definitely have a D&C - that is not something I want to do again.
I have had a scan every two weeks so far, but now I have to wait an entire MONTH for the next one. Don't know how I will make it for a whole month... but then I will hopefully be 13 weeks and over the biggest hump.
Wow, this post is very choppy and negative. Maybe I need to get off my ass and exercise to release some endorphins.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Been a bad kitty
Things I have done during this pregnancy that will surely cause a miscarriage:
1. Eaten sushi (yes, of the raw fish variety)
2. Eaten cured meat
3. Gone skiing
4. Consumed caffeine
5. Had the flu for 2 weeks
6. Lifted heavy things
7. Been constantly stressed at work
8. Forgotten to take my vitamins
9. Inhaled second hand smoke
10. Consumed alcohol
That just about covers it, right? These are not things I have done every day. Most of them happened only once, and in small doses. Some of them were totally beyond my control (like getting the flu and inhaling cigarette smoke). I just don't have the energy to be perfect. Of course, I am going to try my hardest to eliminate these things going forward. But you know what, I avoided ALL OF THEM the last three times and it didn't make any difference.
1. Eaten sushi (yes, of the raw fish variety)
2. Eaten cured meat
3. Gone skiing
4. Consumed caffeine
5. Had the flu for 2 weeks
6. Lifted heavy things
7. Been constantly stressed at work
8. Forgotten to take my vitamins
9. Inhaled second hand smoke
10. Consumed alcohol
That just about covers it, right? These are not things I have done every day. Most of them happened only once, and in small doses. Some of them were totally beyond my control (like getting the flu and inhaling cigarette smoke). I just don't have the energy to be perfect. Of course, I am going to try my hardest to eliminate these things going forward. But you know what, I avoided ALL OF THEM the last three times and it didn't make any difference.
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