This is going to be long, so if you want a brief synopsis just look at the quick timeline on the right hand side.
About Moi
First, let me give you some key background facts about myself that may illuminate the story that follows:
To the outside world:
I am an A-type perfectionist control freak.
I come from a demanding immigrant family that does not tolerate "emotions".
I am clever, quick-witted, sarcastic, uber-confident, and generally have my shit together.
In reality, when no one is looking:
I fail on an hourly basis.
I am a spoiled, naive North American.
I cry all the time (again, when no one is looking).
Herstory
I met my husband 8 years ago when I was 17. Our biggest concern at the time was not getting pregnant. I went on the evil birth control pills for 3 years but decided to come off, as it was stressful to make sure I was always taking it on time. I got a non-hormonal copper IUD put in which worked great, and was completely pain and worry free.
I have always had irregular cycles ranging from 2 months (shortest) to 6 months (longest, after coming off the pill). This past summer I had gone for 5 months without my period and we were starting to talk about kids, so I decided it was time to take out the IUD to see if I could get a regular cycle naturally. A month after I got the IUD taken out I conceived. It was surprising that it happened so easily, especially since I had such long cycles.
Everything was going fine with strong pregnancy symptoms (dizziness, cramps, very tender breasts), but unfortunately I suffered a natural miscarriage at approx. 7 weeks. I was completely devastated, even though we didn't plan on getting pregnant so soon. From that moment on I became obsessed with finding out what was wrong, and trying to have a successful pregnancy.
I waited for my first period after miscarriage, but before it came I started feeling symptoms again and took a pregnancy test which came out positive. However, a few days later at my doctor's office the pregnancy test was negative, and was confirmed with a negative blood test and HCG at zero. My doctor described it as a chemical pregnancy.
When I went for an ultrasound after my first miscarriage to make sure everything was out, the doctor mentioned I had cysts on my ovaries and should get tested for PCOS. Unfortunately in Canada you have to wait forever for a specialist appointment, so I am waiting 4 months for my appointment. In the meantime, I am charting my cycles, taking vitamin supplements, and Vitex. I hope this natural method works as I would like to treat the root cause of my problem and avoid conventional medicine and its side-effects.
I was ambivalent about having kids before, but now it is all I think about. I am now 0 for 2 and pretty depressed about the whole situation. It is frustrating that I have always taken excellent care of my body and yet it betrays me. Although it is possible that my first miscarriage was just bad luck and the chemical pregnancy right after was a fluke, I have a strong feeling that there is something serious causing this, especially given my very long cycles. My fears infiltrate every part of my life. I exercise less because I'm afraid it will mess with my hormones. I can't focus at work because I keep thinking about it. I even stress about taking my temps which makes me get up too early. On the bright side, it has made me have a lot more sex, which is a plus!
I know that being able to get pregnant is half the battle, but it's no use if you can't carry to term. At least I have the knowledge that *something* is working, and it's just a matter of tweaking it to work well. The hardest part will be to stay patient and positive and keep things in perspective. I am still young and healthy and I have to believe it will work out soon. I hope that many years from now I will look back on all this and laugh.
When I went for an ultrasound after my first miscarriage to make sure everything was out, the doctor mentioned I had cysts on my ovaries and should get tested for PCOS. Unfortunately in Canada you have to wait forever for a specialist appointment, so I am waiting 4 months for my appointment. In the meantime, I am charting my cycles, taking vitamin supplements, and Vitex. I hope this natural method works as I would like to treat the root cause of my problem and avoid conventional medicine and its side-effects.
I was ambivalent about having kids before, but now it is all I think about. I am now 0 for 2 and pretty depressed about the whole situation. It is frustrating that I have always taken excellent care of my body and yet it betrays me. Although it is possible that my first miscarriage was just bad luck and the chemical pregnancy right after was a fluke, I have a strong feeling that there is something serious causing this, especially given my very long cycles. My fears infiltrate every part of my life. I exercise less because I'm afraid it will mess with my hormones. I can't focus at work because I keep thinking about it. I even stress about taking my temps which makes me get up too early. On the bright side, it has made me have a lot more sex, which is a plus!
I know that being able to get pregnant is half the battle, but it's no use if you can't carry to term. At least I have the knowledge that *something* is working, and it's just a matter of tweaking it to work well. The hardest part will be to stay patient and positive and keep things in perspective. I am still young and healthy and I have to believe it will work out soon. I hope that many years from now I will look back on all this and laugh.
