Tuesday, May 22, 2012

From one infertile to another

Hubbs told his brother and SIL about our incubating burrito. We knew this was going to be an awkward conversation because they are unable to conceive (like, 100% not going to happen). I was not looking forward to it because I didn't want to hurt the SIL and I knew that it was going to hurt. A lot. What happened, though, was a bit unexpected.

I thought they would give us a quick congratulations, fake smile and a hug and we would leave them feeling really guilty because we could tell they were hiding their pain. It was not so. Instead, they started by asking whether it was "natural" and when we told them we used clomid they said "you know there's a high risk of twins with that" as if (a) we didn't already know that, and (b) we would be upset about having twins. Basically they made us feel like we had committed some crime by using medication.

Then, SIL announced that there is no way she is coming to my baby shower. Un-freaking-believable! First of all, who said I would have a baby shower and that she would be invited? Ok, I would probably end up having one, and yeah, I'd probably invite her, but why are we bringing this up now? In my opinion, that is a very selfish thing to say/do. A week after my third miscarriage, I went to a baby shower. It was not the best time of my life by any means. It was hard. I cried as soon as I was out of there. But I went. Because we all have to learn to be happy for other people in spite of our own pain. I guess my SIL does not have that strength. Maybe it's different for her because she has absolutely zero hope (though trust me, I felt zero hope too at that time in my journey). But saying something so self-centred in that moment made me realize that I don't need to waste my time feeling guilty about hurting her feelings. She clearly has little concern for mine.

Thursday, May 17, 2012


I didn't post last week because there was nothing major to report and I figured I would wait until the OB appointment this week since she would probably do a scan. It turns out there was nothing to wait for as the OB did not scan. Booooo urns

I must say I'm pretty disappointed I didn't get to see the burrito. I am not eligible for an NT scan, so the next time I get to see anything on screen is at 19 weeks. Apparently at this point they just stick with the doppler, but I already have that at home. I wanted some extra reassurance before I go spreading the news to people. I don't think it's unreasonably for someone with my history to be hesitant even at this point. Well I guess I will just have to take her word that everything is fine.

The next little while is going to be awkward. I have gotten quite accustomed to keeping pregnancy a secret, and I am not looking forward to telling people. Part of that dread is that every time I talk about it I think about all the shitty things that led up to this point and I fear that it will end badly again. The people I'm going to be telling, for the most part, will not be aware of any of that. I wish everyone could understand that it was not an easy road and that we are still not sure of anything, but instead most people will just think it's all 100% great. I have to sort this out this mess in my head before I start talking to people.

The worst part will be telling people at work. I am one female amongst 7 men, and things are tense as it is. I guess the upside is I will hopefully have a full year's break from it.

Thursday, May 3, 2012


Thanks to You tube I have mastered the art of dopplering. I can now find the heartbeat within a minute. It is way lower than I thought - almost in the forested pubic region. It's pretty cool that I can do it every day and have that peace of mind. Truly magical.

So, with this new found source of confidence, I put up a cheesy ticker. Actually, I put up two. I figure I have to make up for the months I should have still had a ticker going in previous pregnancies.

Not everything is sunshine and roses, though. I got a blood test for anemia and thyroid (both problems I have had for some time). The thyroid came back great, but the anemia is the worst it has ever been. This is not surprising as it is common in pregnancy, but still I am  so frustrated because I put so much effort into eating right to maximize my iron. The other frustrating thing is that, once again, my doctor is MIA. I only know these test results because I signed up for the online program where you can check yourself. If I was not so tech savvy, I would still be unaware of the problem. Is she even going to call me about it or is the report sitting somewhere on the bottom of a large pile of things to be ignored? Can I get some supplements or something? This is why I am going to probably switch to a midwife. I don't know why, but I have an impression that they would be more responsive than this.

In other news, nausea has subsided except for early morning and late evening. No complaints.

Wow. I can't believe we are still in the game.