Saturday, November 22, 2014

Winding down

I don't know if anyone still follows this blog. I see that there have been hits on it, but I don't know if it's just people clicking through and never coming back again. If there is anyone out there, I'd like to let you know that I probably won't be posting anything for a while. A really really long while. Probably forever.

It's not you, it's me.

It's been a pleasure. Ta ta for now.

Monday, June 23, 2014

Pillbox Overflowing

I went to see a naturopath today to get some advice on specific supplements to take for balancing my hormones. I got some pretty good information which I hope will make the $300 bill worth it in the end.

One interesting thing she told me was that progesterone can get converted into cortisol when you are under stress. That could explain why I was taking my progesterone suppositories but still miscarried - the progesterone was getting converted into cortisol because I was under insane stress between husband's cancer issues and my own fears about the pregnancy. So my body was "stealing" the progesterone that I need to make cortisol... goddam body.

Here's a good article that explains this effect:

She gave me some supplements to help with stress management and overall fertility. Here's what's in my pillbox right now:

AM: Synthroid
Noon: Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12, Stress-B Complex, Folic Acid, prenatal multivitamin
Afternoon: EPA (fish oil), vitex
PM: Iron (Hemoplex), Vitamin D

In addition to those vitamins, I will be taking these other supplements/foods:

Follicular phase: 1 tbsp each of pumpkin seeds and ground flaxseeds, 10 drops of lingonberry
Luteal phase: 1 tbsp each of sesame and sunflower seeds, evening primrose oil, 10 drops of crabapple

I will be doing castor oil baths as often as possible. I will not be consuming any soy or raw broccoli/cauliflower family vegetables.

This is going to be tedious to say the least.

Friday, June 20, 2014

Things I want

I want answers.

I want to get healthy.

I want the solution to be easy.

I want my husband to get healthy and stay that way.

I want to get pregnant. Like, yesterday.

I want the pregnancy to succeed.

I want this miscarriage bullshit to end.

I want it to be an easy 9 months just like last time.

I want to have a positive birth experience just like last time, maybe even better.

I want this baby to be as perfect as K.

I want another girl, but I will love a boy just as much.

I want to have an easy baby who sleeps like a champ.

I want to breastfeed again.

I want to make happy family memories and lots of hugs and laughter.

It's not too much to ask, right?

Saturday, June 14, 2014

What's that in the fridge?

I started bleeding yesterday. It was fairly painless, no more so than a regular period, so I thought the worst was yet to come when I would actually pass the tissue that had been growing inside.

Before going to bed I emptied my Diva cup (best thing ever, btw) and to my great surprise found a 5 week embryo inside. I can't believe the whole thing with all of the attached tissue came out without me really feeling it. I guess my cervix thought nothing of it, having previously delivered a 7 pound baby.

It had conveniently collected in my Diva cup and I was able to transfer it into a little container to bring to the lab on Monday. I'm pretty sure it will come back normal but it doesn't hurt to check. They're only open weekdays so I have to keep it in the fridge for a couple of days. It is in a little rubbermaid container wrapped in three sheets of paper towel inside a thick ziplock bag that says "DO NOT TOUCH".

This is so sad and disgusting and bizarre that I find it funny.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Miscarriage Number Five

Second beta today was 33 (down from 110 two days ago). So that's that. I'm actually very grateful that since it had to happen, it happened relatively swiftly. I really don't want a D&C ever again.

Oh, here's a pic of my pee stick progression. It seems like they got darker, but you can see they peaked and started getting lighter. Also, the darkest they ever got was still lighter than the control line.

Funny how at 3 miscarriages I was still getting lukewarm responses from various medical professionals. Now at 5, I'm like a golden goose. Everybody wants to get in on the action! My family doctor sent me for betas and made calls to specialists. The fertility clinic I was going to in September moved me up to July 31st. The early pregnancy loss clinic at the hospital called today and interviewed me for an hour about all six pregnancies. They're going to see me next week for an ultrasound and consult.

Good. About bloody time.

I would like some people to do their jobs and help me out with this. I've been doing some Dr. Google reading and I think there are several issues that need to be investigated and treated which no one has paid any attention to.

For example, can we get my ovulation closer to CD 14? Maybe then my lining will be the proper thickness for proper implantation. Also, can we check for auto-immune issues? How about some additional hormone support for the early weeks. I believe HCG shots are often coupled with progesterone suppositories. I dunno, all of this is just running through my mind without scientific backup. But I'm not the doctor, they are. Why is it so hard to get them to pay attention?

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

The saga continues

So I tested positive on the HPT at only 10 DPO, which was very promising. I had a whole stash of internet cheapies so I started using them each day hoping to see the line get progressively darker each time. It was getting somewhat darker, but not at the same rate that I remembered from the one successful pregnancy. I started to freak out so I went and spent more money on stupid pee sticks and got a 2-pack of the CB Digital with "weeks indicator". I got "1-2" weeks when I was expecting at least "2-3".

The internet cheapies were not getting much darker even at 23 DPO. Some people say that testing all the time is a waste of money, and that "a line is a line", and that I'm only stressing myself out. Well, that might be true for most people, but not for someone like me who has repeat losses. For me, seeing the lines not get much darker is actually a pretty good indicator that the pregnancy is not progressing. This information is useful because it tells me that I can stop taking my annoying progesterone suppositories, and cancel my ultrasound and midwife appointments. It saves me the shock and general awkwardness of being told by surprise that I'm miscarrying. I'd rather know as soon as possible so I can move on with my life. Also, the earlier I know, the fewer people I will accidentally spill the beans to, the fewer people I will then have to discuss the failed pregnancy with afterwards.

So that's why I'm grateful for the pee sticks, and I don't regret the $50 I spent on getting information early. Today I went and got a beta to confirm. HCG is 110 today. It should be in the thousands. I will get another one in two days to confirm, but the writing's on the wall. I have to say, this one is tough to swallow. I did everything exactly like the last time that it worked. I even had better iron levels and my stress levels were much lower. What the hell is going on? I have been trying to get into a fertility clinic for some specialist attention but there's nothing available until September. This is so frustrating.

Monday, June 9, 2014

Thanking old me

I haven't posted anything in so long. There are many reasons. I'm busy, I'm tired, I'm somewhat disinterested, I don't feel like I need it for emotional catharsis anymore... But I've decided to muster up the strength to start recording my journey on here again.

Recently, I've been looking over old posts from years ago, and thanking my old self for writing things down. When I tell you what's been happening lately, you'll understand why.

It started in early February. The Olympics were on and, although I am a huge sports fan, I was sobbing uncontrollably at every medals presentation. Something was up, hormonally speaking. I had one internet cheapie HPT left from 2012, which I think had expired by this point, but I took it and it was positive. WTF. We were not trying - in fact, we were doing the opposite. No contraceptives, but by this point I felt like I knew my body pretty darn well, and I was tracking CM and testing OPK's to avoid doing the deed during fertile times. Well, turns out I don't know my body as well as I thought. So I was preggers.

I went to the doctor right away and got some progesterone suppositories just in case, but I figured since I had not started them right away after ovulation it would probably be too late. And it was. A few days later I took another HPT and it was negative. I started bleeding a few days later. Miscarriage #4. I'm not proud of this notch on my belt, but at the time we weren't really planning on having another child, so I had some consolation that it was "not in our plans anyway".

In March we found out that Hubbs has cancer. It's not an aggressive form, and the survival rates are very good, but it's cancer nonetheless. He underwent surgery to remove the tumour in early May and they told us he will need to have radiation to follow. Once he gets his radiation treatment, we are not allowed to conceive for at least 6 months as there is a risk to the fetus. We definitely didn't want to wait 6 months, and we didn't know what effect the radiation would have on his sperm, so we decided we had to go for it right away before the treatment starts. That gave us one month to try. One chance. No pressure!

So I did things properly this time and I took clomid days 3-7, ovulated on CD 20, and started the suppositories on 3 DPO. Moment of truth in my next post.