Thanking old me

I haven't posted anything in so long. There are many reasons. I'm busy, I'm tired, I'm somewhat disinterested, I don't feel like I need it for emotional catharsis anymore... But I've decided to muster up the strength to start recording my journey on here again.

Recently, I've been looking over old posts from years ago, and thanking my old self for writing things down. When I tell you what's been happening lately, you'll understand why.

It started in early February. The Olympics were on and, although I am a huge sports fan, I was sobbing uncontrollably at every medals presentation. Something was up, hormonally speaking. I had one internet cheapie HPT left from 2012, which I think had expired by this point, but I took it and it was positive. WTF. We were not trying - in fact, we were doing the opposite. No contraceptives, but by this point I felt like I knew my body pretty darn well, and I was tracking CM and testing OPK's to avoid doing the deed during fertile times. Well, turns out I don't know my body as well as I thought. So I was preggers.

I went to the doctor right away and got some progesterone suppositories just in case, but I figured since I had not started them right away after ovulation it would probably be too late. And it was. A few days later I took another HPT and it was negative. I started bleeding a few days later. Miscarriage #4. I'm not proud of this notch on my belt, but at the time we weren't really planning on having another child, so I had some consolation that it was "not in our plans anyway".

In March we found out that Hubbs has cancer. It's not an aggressive form, and the survival rates are very good, but it's cancer nonetheless. He underwent surgery to remove the tumour in early May and they told us he will need to have radiation to follow. Once he gets his radiation treatment, we are not allowed to conceive for at least 6 months as there is a risk to the fetus. We definitely didn't want to wait 6 months, and we didn't know what effect the radiation would have on his sperm, so we decided we had to go for it right away before the treatment starts. That gave us one month to try. One chance. No pressure!

So I did things properly this time and I took clomid days 3-7, ovulated on CD 20, and started the suppositories on 3 DPO. Moment of truth in my next post.