Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Normal Female

I had my "clomid follow up" appointment at the OB today, which became a pregnancy appointment. She wanded me and we saw a gestational sac and yolk sac, right on track for 5 weeks. I will have another scan in two weeks to see if this one is going to make it any further than previous pregnancies.

IN OTHER NEWS... we finally got the karyotype results back from preg-fail #3. Normal female. I know that it is theoretically better for it to have been genetically abnormal so as to explain the miscarriage, but I actually feel better about this. Now I know we are capable of producing a normal human, and it is just a matter of keeping it alive for 9 months. Hopefully this time the synthroid and progesterone suppositories will assist with that. Am I right?

I thought I would be affected by knowing the sex of the baby I lost, but it hasn't really changed anything. I feel like I couldn't possibly feel any worse about it, and knowing an additional fact will not make a difference.

Alright, gotta keep truckin'. Armed with $500 worth of suppositories, I am feeling pretty good about my chances.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Stuck in neutral

It's March 19th and I'm 19DPO.

I haven't bothered to go for a blood test but the HPT's are getting progressively darker.

During my last pregnancy, I had a brief bleeding episode at 18DPO before going on to have a missed miscarriage and D&C a month later. This time there has been no bleeding, but that could just be thanks to the progesterone suppositories.

Not bleeding is a good sign, but at the same time I don't have any major pregnancy symptoms either. No hint of nausea, no major fatigue... so that's not very comforting.

All in all, I am feeling stuck in neutral. When you've miscarried multiple times, there is a 2 week wait for the BFP, but then there is a 2 month wait for the 12 week "safety" mark. I've never gotten there, but I presume that if I do get there, the 2 month wait will just turn into a continuous wait until that baby is born alive and healthy.

So that's where things stand. The one thing I have to look forward to is an appointment with my OB on Wednesday. I will only be 5 weeks at that point so there won't be much to see on ultrasound, but at least she will refer me for the blood HCG test and probably some other ones.

Can someone please push the fast forward button??

Sunday, March 11, 2012

A Typical Sunday

This Sunday could have been special. It could have been different and exciting and wonderful. But it is just an ordinary Sunday, the same as last week and the week before that.

I am 11DPO and decided it was time to peek on a stick. It was positive. I did not feel joy or surprise or anything for that matter. I was mostly "meh" about it.

I went over to hubbs and told him. He gave me the customary hug and smile.

We went about the rest of our day.

Being the fourth time around, it doesn't mean anything anymore. Which is probably a good thing. If it meant as much as it did the first time, I would not be ready to handle another loss.


Friday, March 9, 2012

I read this quote in Uncle Tom's Cabin (currently reading it in an attempt to meet my 2012 book reading goal of a measly 4 books - which I FAILED to meet in 2011):

Chapter IX: "There are in this world blessed souls, whose sorrows all spring up into joys for others; whose earthly hopes, laid in the grave with many tears, are the seed from which spring eternal healing flowers and balm for the desolate and the distressed."

This quote beautifully and succinctly expresses the change I've noticed in myself in my ability to be happy for others when good things happen, and to empathize with others when bad things happen.

Before all this dead baby shit, I didn't know how to react when tragic things happened to other people. I didn't know what to say, or how to say it. Now, I just have this instinctive response, I can't even describe what it is exactly. But I know how to look at the person, when to listen and when to talk, when to touch them and when to keep my distance. When people are depressed, my reaction is not "get over it, you whiner". It's "yep, been there".

This is why great music is made by angry/depressed people - they know how to relate.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

In the thick of it

Progesterone suppositories - not as bad as I thought, not that great either.

I've been on them for 3 days now and they are not as leaky as I thought, but still some of it comes out (more so during the day when I'm moving around). The part I dislike the most is how they leave this thick paste inside, which makes me afraid to engage in marital activity for fear it would seriously gross out the hubbs. Plus, the thickness would probably make lube necessary, and then the two will mix and be even more gross...

The only other complaint about them so far is the bloating/constipation. I already feel fat as it is, having gained about 15 pounds since the last miscarriage. This is not helping my self esteem.

On the bright side, look at this beautiful *almost normal* chart! This cycle would be under 40 days long (although I'm hoping it goes for 9 months).