Tuesday, May 22, 2012

From one infertile to another

Hubbs told his brother and SIL about our incubating burrito. We knew this was going to be an awkward conversation because they are unable to conceive (like, 100% not going to happen). I was not looking forward to it because I didn't want to hurt the SIL and I knew that it was going to hurt. A lot. What happened, though, was a bit unexpected.

I thought they would give us a quick congratulations, fake smile and a hug and we would leave them feeling really guilty because we could tell they were hiding their pain. It was not so. Instead, they started by asking whether it was "natural" and when we told them we used clomid they said "you know there's a high risk of twins with that" as if (a) we didn't already know that, and (b) we would be upset about having twins. Basically they made us feel like we had committed some crime by using medication.

Then, SIL announced that there is no way she is coming to my baby shower. Un-freaking-believable! First of all, who said I would have a baby shower and that she would be invited? Ok, I would probably end up having one, and yeah, I'd probably invite her, but why are we bringing this up now? In my opinion, that is a very selfish thing to say/do. A week after my third miscarriage, I went to a baby shower. It was not the best time of my life by any means. It was hard. I cried as soon as I was out of there. But I went. Because we all have to learn to be happy for other people in spite of our own pain. I guess my SIL does not have that strength. Maybe it's different for her because she has absolutely zero hope (though trust me, I felt zero hope too at that time in my journey). But saying something so self-centred in that moment made me realize that I don't need to waste my time feeling guilty about hurting her feelings. She clearly has little concern for mine.


  1. I am so sorry you had to have this awful encounter. I'm sure it was incredibly hurtful.

    I'm a little surprised your SIL would announce her attention so quickly and so abruptly, but try to remember that you had time to prepare for telling them and think about what you wanted to say. It seems like she may have just blurted out the first thing that came to her head in a self protection type way.

    I don't have as much self control as you do. A few days after my first D&C, I received a baby shower invite from a family member who knew what had just happened. (I opened it because my husband thought it was a sympathy card). I tore it into piecies and stomped around my house screaming for several minutes before collecting myself. I'm incredibly glad she wasn't here to see my reaction. Eventually I stopped cursing what a terrible person she was for being such a selfish bitch (yep, I said that outloud) and realized my loss didn't mean she didn't deserve the happiness of a new baby, but it took me some time to get there.

    I hope for all of you that after some time and thought, your SIL can come to a similiar type of realization.

    1. Hmm, you're probably right that it was a blurting out without thinking moment. I will get over it, and I'm sure she will adjust her attitude too. I think you're also right that I had thought deeply about how it was going to play out and she did not have that opportunity.

    2. But please do not think I am trying to minimize your feelings at all. The clock is ticking forward, but this is still super stressful! (and congrats on 14 weeks!)

  2. Strange. That is one strange reaction. People express their hurt in many ways and sometimes my hurt matters more, I guess. Thanks for pissing in the cheerios, SIL!

    I think, too that it was lkelly just hard for her to comp lose something gracious and you got an unfiltered reaction. That cookie comment was quite judgy, tho. Hmm. I hope that she has a chance to be happy for you. Being happy is not your fault at all.it's quite well deserved at this point.

  3. I can understand how her reaction hurt you - but I can also understand how she had the reaction she did. She has no hope left to get her through. And I know anytime I hear news like that I turn into a totally different person for a while. And I couldn't go to my SILs shower. I didn't make a production over it....but I did find a very good excuse and sent a super nice gift in a weak effort to compensate for my lack of strength. I am a super emotional person and my feelings are very close to the surface - I've said many stupid things as a result. I AM sorry that you were hurt...but not everyone copes in the same way and I think you were stronger throughout your journey that many of us are.

  4. Happy 17 weeks! Thinking of you and hope all is well.