Monday, October 17, 2011

Break from the universe

It has been so long since I posted on here that I can't even remember what event I wrote about last. I think it was the second ultrasound showing an almost non-existent heartbeat. I then had a third ultrasound a week later where it was confirmed that the baby had died, it looked like at about 6 weeks, though I should have been 10 weeks.

Two days after the confirmation ultrasound I had a D&C, which was my first. The previous two miscarriages happened much faster and on their own, but this time was different. There was a heartbeat. There was no bleeding. All symptoms persisted. But alas, it didn't work out.

I was glad to have the D&C because I just couldn't deal with dragging it out any longer, plus I was happy to skip the painful process of actually miscarrying. It was also a good choice this time because we are now eligible for the triple loser testing (i.e. chromosomal testing on the products of conception). So I would much rather have them take everything out in one procedure than be walking around collecting my own blood clots for 3 days.

The D&C experience was pretty sickening at the time that it happened. They gave me the option of waiting a week to have it done in a dedicated area for pregnancy loss patients, or doing it right away mixed in with all the abortion patients. I could care less about other people's choices, but I did not enjoy spending two hours in a waiting area with people whose every word hit a sensitive nerve in an already stressful situation.

I also did not enjoy the fact that 5 minutes after I stumbled out of the clinic, still pretty drugged out, my OB's receptionist called to cancel my pre-natal appointments for October and November because they were obviously no longer required... ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!!?!

But having said all that, now in retrospect I am as content with how things went as I could be in the circumstances. I had a bit of spotting for a couple of hours after the procedure but nothing since. I felt cramping for about a day or two afterwards, I think from everything shrinking back down, but no pain after that. I think that is an unusually uncomplicated post-D&C experience and I am very grateful for that.

Though the physical recovery has been easy, I cannot say the same about the mental/emotional. It didn't help that while this was all happening, a good friend of mine had her third baby, and several people announced their pregnancies on FB (some with the same due date as me - which means they did it before 12 weeks - which is fine because nothing bad will happen to them now that I am the statistic). I know a lot of people talk about how pregnancy announcements can sting, but I haven't really had that before because people here tend to wait until late 20's/early 30's to have kids, with some exceptions. So this is a new, poorly-timed development for me. Oh well.

I stayed off of this blog for a few weeks because honestly, every time I think about this I start to cry. Mascara has not been worn for a long time. But as with everything, eventually the pain lessens and I start thinking about other things more and more, and life moves on.

In the next few months, as we await the results of the genetic testing and let my body heal, I am focussing on getting back in shape, getting back into my hobbies, spending more time with friends and drinking as much wine as I can handle. It will not make things better. It will not make me forget. It will not make me any more optimistic about the future, but it will be something to do to pass the time.


  1. Oh friend, I am so very sorry that you're going through this right now. This is so unfair! I know that doesn't help at all but please know that your not alone in this. Even if it feels like it.

    I keep thinking off that line in Sleepless in Seattle where Tom Hanks is talking about getting up and remembering to breathe in and out... honestly, I think that sometimes that's the best we can do. Just to try and survive until surviving doesn't feel quite so painful.

    I'll pray for peace for you and your husband. And a kick-ass renovated kitchen filled with lots of empty wine bottles. Lord knows you've earned it! (((hugs)))

  2. I've been thinking about you. Glad to see you are in one piece and the D&C went so smoothly.
    I think taking a bit of a break will be great for you. Email me if you need me, I'm here.
    Sending you a gigantic hug!

  3. I cannot imagine what you've been going through, but I am so sorry for your loss. I can't believe your doctor's office was so insensitive to call and cancel those appointments right after the D&C like that, that is really upsetting, especially considering they should be the most sensitive to women in such heartbreaking situations. I hope and pray that you guys have some success in TTC soon.

  4. Oh hell! I am so very sorry hun. You deserve every happiness in the world and I can't even imagine how much balls it must take to keep going through this. You sound like such an incredible person...I just don't understand. Find comfort any way you can. Cheers to you and your amazingness!