Re-up

Over the last few days I have had a bit more time to myself in the evenings. This is thanks to my munchkin finally going to bed without a 3 hour screamfest (another topic for another day), and the fact that we are finally done unpacking our stuff since moving.

Anyway, with this free time I've finally gotten around to catching up on my blogs. I saw that Rosachka is back on the TTC wagon. Mo is being induced TODAY. So much stuff happening for people who I started this journey with. It got me thinking about how absolutely hopeless we were when we started. We had no assurance of a real live baby at the end of the day, so every blow felt like a ton of bricks that we would never climb over or through.

Now that we are on the other side of those bricks, we know that it can happen for us. Lately I've been thinking about going for baby #2, and while I am scared and already a bit dejected about it because I know it will never be "easy", I also know that I've already battled some pretty tough shit and come out on top.

I also know that the hardest part is the first trimester. I had a relatively easy time getting pregnant, and once I passed the 12 week mark I went off the progesterone suppositories and everything went great.

I had a great, amazing, wonderful birth experience. Although there's no guarantee it will be the same next time, chances are it will be similar and maybe even quicker than 33 hours =)

So I get excited thinking about re-upping this TTC thing. I feel stronger mentally, more prepared, more realistic, more empowered by my last pregnancy and therefore less angry at my body. I feel like I will be more connected to my next baby in utero because I know how amazing that little person will be once he/she is born. Mostly, I feel like the "next baby" is actually a think that will happen. I mean, it probably will. Maybe it will take a year, maybe two or three, but it's happened once so it could happen again.

But you should know by now that I will find something to stress about in any situation, so here's what I'm stressing about now.

The munchkin is close to 10 months old. She feeds 5 times a day, which I think is pretty high. I was hoping that by this age she would be down to like 3 feeds, and maybe 1-2 feeds by 12 months, weaned by 13-14 months. I don't think that's going to happen. She nurses not as much for calories as for comfort and closeness to me. I will not refuse her. Are you kidding? To have that little cuddly cub nuzzling into my chest and falling asleep in my arms... sigh... hormones.

Anyway, the stress factor is that I'm pretty sure I'm one of those people who cannot ovulate (= get pregnant) until I stop breastfeeding. Even then, I feel like I will probably only get my period back several months after I stop. Not to mention the fact that I've lost so much weight from breastfeeding that I probably have gymnast-style amenorrhea... but I digress.

I want my cycles to restart ASAP because I feel so ready to get going again, but I feel horrible at the thought of weaning my baby for my own selfish motives. Bad mom! Bad mom!

So, as with everything else, I try really hard to just take it one day at a time. Before too long, I'll have my boobs and my hormones back.