Re-up

Over the last few days I have had a bit more time to myself in the evenings. This is thanks to my munchkin finally going to bed without a 3 hour screamfest (another topic for another day), and the fact that we are finally done unpacking our stuff since moving.

Anyway, with this free time I've finally gotten around to catching up on my blogs. I saw that Rosachka is back on the TTC wagon. Mo is being induced TODAY. So much stuff happening for people who I started this journey with. It got me thinking about how absolutely hopeless we were when we started. We had no assurance of a real live baby at the end of the day, so every blow felt like a ton of bricks that we would never climb over or through.

Now that we are on the other side of those bricks, we know that it can happen for us. Lately I've been thinking about going for baby #2, and while I am scared and already a bit dejected about it because I know it will never be "easy", I also know that I've already battled some pretty tough shit and come out on top.

I also know that the hardest part is the first trimester. I had a relatively easy time getting pregnant, and once I passed the 12 week mark I went off the progesterone suppositories and everything went great.

I had a great, amazing, wonderful birth experience. Although there's no guarantee it will be the same next time, chances are it will be similar and maybe even quicker than 33 hours =)

So I get excited thinking about re-upping this TTC thing. I feel stronger mentally, more prepared, more realistic, more empowered by my last pregnancy and therefore less angry at my body. I feel like I will be more connected to my next baby in utero because I know how amazing that little person will be once he/she is born. Mostly, I feel like the "next baby" is actually a think that will happen. I mean, it probably will. Maybe it will take a year, maybe two or three, but it's happened once so it could happen again.

But you should know by now that I will find something to stress about in any situation, so here's what I'm stressing about now.

The munchkin is close to 10 months old. She feeds 5 times a day, which I think is pretty high. I was hoping that by this age she would be down to like 3 feeds, and maybe 1-2 feeds by 12 months, weaned by 13-14 months. I don't think that's going to happen. She nurses not as much for calories as for comfort and closeness to me. I will not refuse her. Are you kidding? To have that little cuddly cub nuzzling into my chest and falling asleep in my arms... sigh... hormones.

Anyway, the stress factor is that I'm pretty sure I'm one of those people who cannot ovulate (= get pregnant) until I stop breastfeeding. Even then, I feel like I will probably only get my period back several months after I stop. Not to mention the fact that I've lost so much weight from breastfeeding that I probably have gymnast-style amenorrhea... but I digress.

I want my cycles to restart ASAP because I feel so ready to get going again, but I feel horrible at the thought of weaning my baby for my own selfish motives. Bad mom! Bad mom!

So, as with everything else, I try really hard to just take it one day at a time. Before too long, I'll have my boobs and my hormones back.

I'm 13 again

Some say that pregnancy and childbirth are the final stage in female development. I have to say I disagree. In fact, I feel like I've regressed back to being a pre-teen. Here's why:

- I stuff my bra.
- I go to bed at 9pm.
- I eat all the time but don't gain weight.
- I don't have to work.
- I'm never home alone.
- I have play dates.
- I wonder what sex will be like.

Birth story, part deux

At this point, the last bits of the morphine were wearing off and I was starting to feel some intense pain. I tried sitting on a birthing ball but it did not make things better and was just making me tired from balancing. The only thing that helped with the contractions was the laughing gas. Oh, how I love the laughing gas! It did not take the pain away, but it made me high enough to not care as much. I stayed on the laughing gas for too long though, because after a while it was making me so drowsy that I was basically asleep between each contraction and all I was consciously experiencing was the pain.

This is where things got rough. First, they broke my water because somehow after a full day of contractions it was still intact. The contractions got even more intense after that, and I was using the gas less and less so there was even less pain relief.

When the midwife checked me I was allllllmost fully dilated so the midwife did this trick where she goes in and pushes the remaining bit of cervix past the baby's head. She did it in just a few seconds and it did not hurt at all = mad skills.

I hadn't peed in a really long time and the midwife suggested a catheter to empty my bladder to make more room for the baby to exit. I knew it would be uncomfortable but I had no idea how insanely painful it would be when coupled with the pain of transition. Holy crap, that was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life and I was crying hysterically. Fortunately, as soon as they took out the catheter I felt so much better.

At that point I started feeling the urge to push so we tried a few pushes. They kept telling me to wait until the next contraction to push, but by this time I was 30 hours into this ordeal and I just wanted the baby OUT so I totally cheated and pushed almost non-stop. The dreaded "ring of fire" was felt, but it was not as painful for me as the previous days of labour pains. It only took 40 minutes or so of pushing for her to come out screaming.

They put her right on my chest and she calmed down while they patched me up. I did tear but not where you'd expect. My perineum was totally fine, but I needed one stitch on each side of the vajayjay. It has now completely healed and you would never guess this baby's head came through that hole.

After dad cut the cord, they quickly cleaned her up and returned to me for her first feed. She found the food source right away and has been an eating champ ever since. I had some pain from her latching on at the wrong angle (nipple not high/far enough into her mouth), but we've been able to fix that problem by shoving my boob aggressively into her face, mwahahaha.

Since baby was perfect and I was doing well and did not have to thaw from an epidural, they let us go home that night. It was definitely nice to sleep in our own bed, especially since I hadn't actually slept the two previous nights. But in retrospect, we should have stayed the night just to get more breastfeeding support for the first few times. I think it would have made it a lot easier and less painful afterwards.

So that's how it happened. I know I am now seeing things through rose coloured glasses, but I feel like my labour was a very positive experience considering everything. All I really wanted was to have a vaginal birth with minimal tearing, and I got that, plus it was almost entirely drug-free except for the morphine shot in early labour. I am so thankful to have had such a great birth experience after a very difficult road to a viable pregnancy.