Ten

Ten weeks.

In reading some other blogs lately, I see just how fortunate I am to be here and still have hope that this will work out. I have not enjoyed the last two years of shittiness, but I realize that in the grand scheme of things, it has not been as difficult for me as for many others. In that spirit, I do not wish to take any of it for granted, so I have accomplished a lot of things this week.

1. Finally tracked down some midwives. My preferred midwifery clinic in the neighbourhood was all full for November babies, but I was able to find two other clinics relatively nearby and have appointments at each of them to decide which one I would *hopefully* want to go with. It's nice to have options =) And no offense to my OB, but I see her as more of a surgical, clinical, super-scientific fem-bot. I think for the actual birth, I will need someone with bedside manner.

2. Rented a doppler. I was sure it was going to be expensive to rent it for a few months, plus the shipping costs, but it turns out there is a company in the province that rents them out at an awesome price ($29/month) and the shipping there and back is only $12. So I figured it was worth it financially, though it might not have been worth it if I was not able to find the heartbeat and it just freaked me out. I got it in the mail yesterday and tried it out. It was realllllly hard to find the heartbeat. I had to press into my belly and search around aimlessly for a long time but eventually managed to do it - once in the span of an hour. It was somewhere around 176 bpm, which is great. Then I tried again after dinner but could not find it. I don't understand whether it will always be in sort of the same place or will move around a lot. I found it on the right side of my lower abdomen, but then the next time it wasn't there... Meh, I'm not too concerned. I think I will hold off searching for it again until 11 weeks. Hearing it once yesterday will stave off my insanity for at least a week.

3. Found a prenatal yoga class on Sundays. Magical.

Things I am looking forward to:

1. Getting off the progesterone suppositories. OB said I can just quit cold turkey at 10 weeks but I am a little too paranoid at this point to do that. I think I will continue until 11 weeks and then slowly wean myself off between weeks 11 and 13.

2. Next OB appointment is in 3 weeks. Arghhhh. But my midwife "meet-and-greet" appointments are earlier, so maybe they will be nice and scan me.

3. The end of nausea is nigh. I can feel it lessening a bit over the past few days, but it is still constantly there, just a bit more subtle. This is not a huge problem, but it would be nice to get back to normal.

4. Thinking of putting up a lame ticker, but the fear of jinx prevails. Maybe later.

Nine

I am nine weeks in. As of yesterday, there is still an appropriately sized human with a heartbeat in there. It has a huge head and tiny t-rex limbs. Apparently after 9 weeks it is no longer called an "embryo", but rather a "fetus".

I have a fetus. Why don't I feel any better?

I keep scaring myself with the thought that the fetus is now so big that if I miscarried again, I would definitely have a D&C - that is not something I want to do again.

I have had a scan every two weeks so far, but now I have to wait an entire MONTH for the next one. Don't know how I will make it for a whole month... but then I will hopefully be 13 weeks and over the biggest hump.

Wow, this post is very choppy and negative. Maybe I need to get off my ass and exercise to release some endorphins.

Been a bad kitty

Things I have done during this pregnancy that will surely cause a miscarriage:

1. Eaten sushi (yes, of the raw fish variety)
2. Eaten cured meat
3. Gone skiing
4. Consumed caffeine
5. Had the flu for 2 weeks
6. Lifted heavy things
7. Been constantly stressed at work
8. Forgotten to take my vitamins
9. Inhaled second hand smoke
10. Consumed alcohol

That just about covers it, right? These are not things I have done every day. Most of them happened only once, and in small doses. Some of them were totally beyond my control (like getting the flu and inhaling cigarette smoke). I just don't have the energy to be perfect. Of course, I am going to try my hardest to eliminate these things going forward. But you know what, I avoided ALL OF THEM the last three times and it didn't make any difference.

It's alive!!

Muhahahahah IT'S ALIVE!!! IT'S ALIVE!!!

Heart beat = 134 bpm

Measuring 7 weeks

Let us praise ceiling cat.

I am obviously very excited about this. It's the farthest we have ever come and I am starting to feel slightly less apocalyptic about my universe. I should, however, tell you some of the other things that happened today.

First Thing: I left my cell phone at home today, which is always a bit stressful because it means I can't play Words With Friends throughout the day. But as if that wasn't enough, I come home this evening to discover 6 missed calls... from the HOSPITAL. 3 voicemails. Jebus.

It turned out it was someone from the pregnancy loss clinic calling me to set up an appointment for a repeat pregnancy loss plan. Ok... not as bad as it could have been (like someone in my family got hit by a car or something), but still rather OMINOUS on the day I am getting my ultrasound. They left 3 messages because they got cut off the first time, and then the second time left the wrong appointment time. Whatever. I hope to never attend there.

Second Thing: When I finally got to the ultrasound appointment at 7:30pm, I had to go through the usual rigmarole with the tech about "how many pregnancies have you had", "oh so you have three kids already?", "oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Do they know what's wrong?", "oh... well I guess we'll just do the scan now". The poor girl's face was paler than mine by the time we got through the questions (and she was Indian, so that's realllllly pale). Anyway, she proceeds to do the scan and everything is fine. Finally, at the very end she hands me the printout picture and says, "So glad it's looking good. You're my first normal scan of the day."

= |  GULP

Seriously? I had to get the bad luck tech?? Bah, don't care, it turned out ok. Now let's hope it keeps up.

Nightmare

Things to report since my last post at 5 weeks:

- I am now just shy of 7 weeks.
- Dating scan tomorrow night = moment of truth
- No bleeding to report (this doesn't mean I haven't miscarried - could just be due to the progesterone suppositories)
- Symptoms include: constant nausea and metallic taste in my mouth, frequent urination, runny nose, powerful urge to sleep all day.

So yeah, the scan tomorrow will be the big moment. If there is a 7 week old human with a good strong heartbeat, we are going to celebrate.

Last night I had the most vivid nightmare of my life. It involved the discovery of fresh red blood on toilet paper (classic!), followed by a miscarriage on the toilet. For some reason, the products of conception that came out were two little red grapes (wtf) - this did not make it any less scary.

I woke up panting and in a complete panic. It seemed so real. I literally had to calm myself down and remind myself that nothing like that had happened *yet*. Let's hope it's just a nightmare and not a premonition?