Abort/retry/fail?

A lolCat google search is like the Bible - you can find a relevant entry for any situation in life. As with me today:

I couldn't wait a whole week to find out what was going on after yesterday's horrendous OB visit, so I moved up my dating scan to this afternoon. Suspicions confirmed: the baby only measured 5w4d with a lame-ass heartbeat of 85bpm.

I am partly relieved it is so small, as this means I can probably avoid a D&C and go the natural route. The less it grows the less painful it will be coming out. Funsies!

Not sure what happens when they know it's not viable but there is still a heartbeat. Do I have to wait it out? That could take a long time. I am ready to abort and retry... with a potential for more fail.

I am trying to focus on the things I can do now that I've been putting off - like drinking some delicious wine we bought in Oregon two months ago. Getting my hair dyed (maybe). Doing hot yoga and running around to feel glorious endorphins. Boning my husband fearlessly. So much to do, so little time...

Wow, this really sucks. I think I will be ok eventually. I always am.

The Saga Continues

I am so exhausted.

Went for my OB appointment today, which I had scheduled before I knew I was pregnant (the plan was to get a prescription for Clomid). Then I fould out I was pregnant and kept the appointment as my first "pre-natal" visit.

First the receptionist forgot to put me in the queue after I had checked in, so I ended up waiting an hour and a half to see the doctor. Finally, she came in and asked me a few questions then proceeded to do an ultrasound. It was a vaginal one, but she said her equipment is not the best.

We saw a heartbeat but she said I was only measuring around 6 weeks. I should be 7w3d now, maybe off by a couple of days, but 7 weeks at the very least.

She said her equipment was not very accurate and it was hard to measure, and that this early on the difference is so small that everything could be fine given we see a heartbeat. We will have a better sense of what is going on when I go for the dating ultrasound at the clinic with the good equipment. That will be exactly one week from today.

But then she pulls out a cup and tells me that if I were to miscarry I should put the products of conception into the cup and bring it to the lab for testing, as I would now (on my 3rd miscarriage) qualify for genetic testing.

I don't know what to make of this. Sounds like it could go either way at this point.

So I continue to live in limbo, at the very least until next week's dating ultrasound. I feel like I am being strung along and my courage is fading. My worst fear now is that I will miscarry much later in the pregnancy than I did before, which will be more painful and potentially will require a D&C. Oh, the fun never ends.

Wake me up when September ends

This is going to be a brutal month. I've been working 15 hour days consistently for the past couple of weeks and I don't think I can last much longer. I'm not complaining about having awesome pregnancy symptoms, but it doesn't help my work productivity when I'm nauseated, hungry and tired. September/October tend to be busy because people come back from summer holidays and realize they should probably get stuff done. I don't mind being busy - it's better than sitting around twiddling my thumbs - but I wish it didn't coincide with this delicate first trimester, which is proving to be tough both mentally and physically.

On the upside, being knocked up is great for my self-esteem. Food aversions have led to a bit of weight loss (nothing to be concerned about) which makes my clothes fit a bit more comfortably. Also, my skin has never looked better, and my hair now stays smooth and non-greasy for days. I just look really pale and drained most of the time, but nothing a little rouge can't fix! So basically, I look like a Hollywood celebrity - malnourished but fabulous.

I must confess, I am now 6w4d and I haven't gone for an ultrasound yet. Partially due to being so busy, but partially because I am afraid of the possible heartbreak of being told that despite everything, this is not viable. I just want to enjoy this time and believe that everything is ok. I already had an ultrasound scheduled for around the 8 week mark, so I will just go to that one in a couple weeks. In the meantime, let me live in blissful ignorance of bad things.

Ad Nauseum

Good news! I wanna hurl!

Actually, that's not entirely true. Yes, nausea has begun as of week 7, which I am pretty excited about, but it is not what I expected. I do not feel like throwing up, really. It's more of a dull sick feeling that lasts all day and night at a constant level. Actually, it's most annoying at night because when I get up to pee in the middle of the night, I feel it right away and then I can't fall asleep because it's always there nagging me.

I sometimes think that I've lost my appetite because thinking about pretty much any food makes me gag a little. But as soon as I put the food that is least disgusting at the moment in my mouth, it tastes great, and I finish the whole thing. In fact, just now I ate my entire lunch at only 9:30am even though I continue to feel this constant sickness.

I suspect it might get a lot worse in the next few weeks, which is both scary and exciting. I didn't feel any nausea with my first pregnancy which ended around week 8, so this is encouraging. I wonder though if this is what it's like for other people... google here I come!

Updates

Second HCG draw yesterday was 22,492, up from 17,586 two days earlier. That is a doubling time of about 5 days.

I don't know what that means. Some sources say HCG is supposed to double every 48-72 hours. Some sources say the 48-72 hours rule is only true when HCG is below 6,000. I say these betas are not all that useful!

Other things to consider: I only bled for a day and it has since stopped completely. My boobs are still sore. However, I don't feel as many uterine cramps as I did before the bleeding, so I feel like maybe things are not developing anymore.

My OB is conveniently away until Monday. Maybe I will call and harass her for an ultrasound. I will be 6 weeks tomorrow, so next week could show a heartbeat... or not.

Also

Yolk... a blog about eggs and sperm - So what's a fertile to do?

Amen, sister. A-fucking-men.

Drama!

First of all, thanks everyone for your very kind words and well wishes in response to my recent fail. I keep this blog anonymous so there is never any real life interaction, but somehow I know that if we knew each other in real life we'd be besties.

Things have taken a strange twist since Monday. I was bleeding quite a bit of bright red blood, and had resigned myself to my fate. By Monday night, however, the bleeding had completely stopped. Nothing since then. There was never any cramping. My boobs are still as sore as ever. What. The. Eff.

I took the advice of several of you and called my OB about the situation. She said that an ultrasound wouldn't show a heartbeat this early, but I should get some betas to see if they are still doubling. Went for the first one yesterday. At 5w3d the number was 17,586. If I compare it to the one I had done last week before the bloody incident, that is doubling every 46 hours or so, which is right on target. Also, isn't 17,586 abnormally high for just 5w3d?? What the hell is going on?

I'm going for another beta tomorrow to see if it's still rising appropriately. I don't even know what to think anymore. Did I miscarry, but the bleeding is just sporadic? Is it ectopic? Is everything fine and I just had a random bleeding episode due to fluctuating hormones or irritated cervix or something?

Obviously, given my history, I'm loath to believe that everything is ok. I suspect this is not a viable pregnancy, and I am annoyed that this mess is dragging on. At least the two previous times it was like BAM! You're DONE! And I could move on with my life.

To add to the stress of everything that's going on, I got in "trouble" at work for leaving early. Apparently something needed to be done urgently and couriered to a client. A client who was probably already lounging on his yacht at this time not giving a rat's ass about it. This was the Friday before the long weekend. I had been there since 6:30am. I am fucking quitting this place as soon as I find an exit strategy.

It's Over, Folks

I am bleeding glorious red blood out of my hoo-ha. It started with a bit of spotting on Saturday afternoon, which I thought was strange seeing as how I had spent the day laying around doing nothing. It went away after a few hours and nothing happened on Sunday. Then this morning I woke up to pee and the thing we all fear when wiping happened.

I know it's not 100% confirmed, but I've been around this block a couple of times and I know what's happening.

Things are a bit different this time. Hubbs is with me, which is nice. I am upset, extremely upset, but not in total shock. I am not wasting my time googling "miscarriage" or sitting around in the ER waiting 5 hours for a doctor to tell me what I already know.

So I guess I'm part of the Triple Loser Club. Go me. Not sure where to go from here, but I guess we'll just have to keep going somewhere.

I've got a beef. And some hypothyroidism.

4:59pm. I kid you not. That is when the nurse from my OB's office decided to inform me that my thyroid was apparently in need of some supplementation. I asked her to please fax the prescription to my pharmacy before she left so that I could pick it up tonight. We are going away for the weekend, PLUS it's labour day (oh, the irony) so nothing will be open again til Tuesday.

She faxed it alright. I called the pharmacy to make sure. Only thing is, there is a typo in the prescription. Apparently the stated dosage (0.03) does not exist. Did they mean 0.05? Or 0.025? Unknown.

The pharmacy calls the OB back (it's now 5:05pm). No one there. They try calling my family doctor. No answer. The walk-in clinic that requested the blood test for me - nobody. Really? The emergency walk-in clinic is ALSO closed? Well fuck me sideways.

I guess I will just have to wait until Tuesday. Of course I will not google "hypothyroidism and miscarriage" in the meantime. No, I wouldn't do that...

Ticker Time

As an infertile, I find pregnancy tickers particularly obnoxious. It is a daily reminder of how that preggo is that much closer to the goal than me. Admittedly, it is a jealousy thing. I secretly find tickers really fun and just wish I could have one myself. I suppose I could have gotten one for TTC'ing, but I think I was saving the fun reward for when I was actually knocked up.

Well now's the time. I don't think this is a chemical pregnancy, so I should be feeling knocked up for at least a few more weeks, hopefully longer. During this time, I will take full pleasure in my super tacky, girly, cheesy ticker. Because I can.