Updates of all kinds

This post is about two things. Let's do the easier one first.

Firstly, I believe that I just ovulated on CD 43...

I wish my body would just normalize to a regular length cycle, but at least this means I won't need to take to take provera to bring on a period. That shit nearly killed me last time. This way, I know I will have a new cycle in a couple of weeks and can start on... CLOMID!

Yes, that is the second thing. We purposefully did not try this cycle because I want to try with a proper day 14 or 15 ovulation and not a 40 day old egg. So I got the drugs yesterday - provera to start new cycle (which is not necessary now that I ovulated on my own), clomid to take CD 3-7, and some fabulous progesterone suppositories for the luteal phase. From what I've heard, those suppositories are going to be fun but it could be worse. At least they don't go in your rear end like Hubbs thought...

I am stoked. Everything is playing out nicely with this cycle ending in a couple of weeks. Then I just really hope the clomid works right away and it only takes one try. Easy peasy, right? Yeah, because everything has been super easy so far...

All the meds came to over $400! That's for a 6 month supply in case I need it, but thank god for health insurance...

The only complaint about all this is that we still don't have the results of karyotyping from miscarriage #3. We sent it off to the lab on October 7th... this is getting ridiculous.

So right now I'm very excited about all the new things we're trying and hopeful that it will work. At the same time I am scared that even clomidia, as Hubbs likes to call it, will not be potent enough to make my body ovulate earlier. Only time will tell.

Things I like about my body

Reading my previous post again, I realize how horribly cynical and sarcastic I sound. Let it be known that this is only one part of how I view things, and a pretty small one at that. Here's a list of 10 positive things about my body. What are yours?

1. I have killer legs from being an athlete for so many years, and they are probably going to stay this way forever
2. I've recently stopped getting acne - feels soooo goooood
3. I don't get dry skin unless I'm dehydrated for a prolonged period of time
4. I get one headache per year
5. I get one cold/flu per year and usually recover within 3 days
6. My hair tends to actually look better as the day goes on - I don't know how, but moisture in the air is beneficial somehow.
7. I have small feet, which I think is better than having large feet.
8. When I gain weight, it goes mostly to my boobs.
9. I have good co-ordination which enables me to play pretty much any sport decently well (even golf and tennis).
10. I am one inch above average height (more on other continents).

Unpregnancy Symptoms

Ok, you guys, I totally don't want to sound like I'm complaining about how awesome it is to be infertile, because I'm really sooooo totally grateful... BUT, I feel like I've earned it so just bear with me, ok?

Here are the symptoms I've been experiencing as a result of my unpregancy:

1. Weight Gain: I've gained a few pounds, but everyone tells me I'm "all (not) baby" - just fat I guess. My goal is to keep it to 35 pounds in the next 9 monts, which I believe is the recommended amount.
2. Bloating: A lot of gas and bloating lately. I suspect it's from stuffing my face with junk in a futile attempt to drown my sorrow with food.
3. Heartburn: Umm, it's kind of like a raging-fire-of-anger type of burning that comes up from within my soul, you know? Tums help a bit.
4. Nausea: Fortunately, I've been lucky enough to avoid nausea, except after a night of binge-drinking (see drowning of sorrow as per #2 above).
5. Sleep: I usually cry myself to sleep, which is a bit uncomfortable because the pillow gets soggy, but I do get to sleep eventually. Then I toss and turn in a sort of quasi-sleeping state as all of my worries, fears, and feelings of failure, now unsupressed by consciousness, rise up. Fuuuuuun.
6. Fatigue: I would describe it as both a physical and emotional fatigue. What the heck, let's throw in some spiritual fatigue as well because whatever faith I had is gone.
7. Mood Swings: Ok, I think I better stop here, because it's about to get ugly...

Thanks for listening y'all. I hope I didn't come off too whiny! I'm actually having so much fun. I can't believe I'm already 96weeks3days unpregnant!

Embracing Failure

Warning - Advo.cat gets touchy-feely in this post.

I am not ashamed to admit that I am what they call an "A-type" personality. I'm pretty sure some most of you can relate. I strive for perfection, and that has gotten me pretty far in life. But a big drawback is that anything but perfection is by default a failure. Setting those kinds of standards for yourself is dangerous when, as we all know, perfection is rarely achieved. Over time, I had to develop a way to deal with what I perceived to be constant failure. Instead of seeing it as something that ought to be avoided, I redefined it as something that is a natural part of life.

For example, I often joke that I have a "daily fail quota" that I must meet. Like, "Shit, I messed up. Oh! that's good, I'm closer to meeting my daily fail quota".

That probably sounds crazy, but it's my coping mechanism and I'm entitled to it. And you know what? It has been pretty handy lately! I see my 3 miscarriages as special achievements that grant me entry into a prestigious club of failures. [<-- sarcasm]

I say all these things in jest, but what I am seriously talking about is seeing the positive in something negative. Sometimes that's a cliche. Sometimes it's just something losers say to make themselves feel better. But sometimes it's true. I'm not talking about some nebulous notion of "this is all part of a bigger plan" and "God works in ways we can't understand". I'm saying I completely understand all sides of what is happening to me. I understand that it mostly sucks giant balls. But I also understand that there may positive aspects. At the very least, every failure is a learning experience - maybe about how to do it better next time, maybe about my strengths and weaknesses, maybe about other people's reactions to various events, but at the very least a learning experience about myself.

What I'm learning so far is that I am much stronger than I thought I could be, but also much more fragile in other ways. I didn't know that all this baby stuff mattered so much to me. But I didn't know that I could get through everything that's happened and be ready to go back for more. I'm learning just how little I know about myself.

Think twice about removing preggo friends from your newsfeed

So this weird thing happened.

I have this Facebook "friend" who I went to elementary school with. I still keep in touch with some ladies from my class and she happens to be in that circle of friends, but we're not particularly close. Anyway, a few months ago she posted a pregnancy announcement. Soon enough, my newsfeed flooded with her annoying status updates and eventually the gender reveal - twins - boy and girl. FML. That was about a month ago, and I decided to remove her from my newsfeed then.

So last night we all went out for dinner for the first time since the pregnancy announcement. I was late to arrive and everyone was already sitting down so I couldn't really see her belly, but it definitely wasn't bulging out as far as I would expect at 22ish weeks with twins.

Then she orders a bellini. Ok... I guess one drink every now and then is not the end of the world.

We start talking about what we're all planning for 2012 and eventually it gets to her turn. She says, "yeah, I dropped out of school last year because it was all too much to handle when I was pregnant with twins. But now, I don't know, I guess I should go back or do something else, but what's the point if I just get pregnant again."

I am thoroughly confused. Did she already have the babies? Did she lose them? I didn't see anything on Facebook about it, but then again maybe she wouldn't post about something tragic like that. I feel awkward asking her directly or even whispering the question to someone else at the table.

I get home and immediately proceed to her Facebook profile. There it is - she lost the babies a few weeks ago. How did I miss that? OH. I KNOW. I removed her from my effing newsfeed is how!

Holy $h!t. The irony.

Now I'm wondering if I should reach out and say something to her. About how sorry I am and how I know how she must feel because I've been there. I haven't told anyone except my 3 closest friends, but that's because nobody else would really understand or care. She would, and I want her to know that I do, too. But I'm scared to put myself out there with someone who I see only a few times a year and don't really know very well. Would it help her, or would it just pick at the scab?