Unpregnancy Symptoms

Ok, you guys, I totally don't want to sound like I'm complaining about how awesome it is to be infertile, because I'm really sooooo totally grateful... BUT, I feel like I've earned it so just bear with me, ok?

Here are the symptoms I've been experiencing as a result of my unpregancy:

1. Weight Gain: I've gained a few pounds, but everyone tells me I'm "all (not) baby" - just fat I guess. My goal is to keep it to 35 pounds in the next 9 monts, which I believe is the recommended amount.
2. Bloating: A lot of gas and bloating lately. I suspect it's from stuffing my face with junk in a futile attempt to drown my sorrow with food.
3. Heartburn: Umm, it's kind of like a raging-fire-of-anger type of burning that comes up from within my soul, you know? Tums help a bit.
4. Nausea: Fortunately, I've been lucky enough to avoid nausea, except after a night of binge-drinking (see drowning of sorrow as per #2 above).
5. Sleep: I usually cry myself to sleep, which is a bit uncomfortable because the pillow gets soggy, but I do get to sleep eventually. Then I toss and turn in a sort of quasi-sleeping state as all of my worries, fears, and feelings of failure, now unsupressed by consciousness, rise up. Fuuuuuun.
6. Fatigue: I would describe it as both a physical and emotional fatigue. What the heck, let's throw in some spiritual fatigue as well because whatever faith I had is gone.
7. Mood Swings: Ok, I think I better stop here, because it's about to get ugly...

Thanks for listening y'all. I hope I didn't come off too whiny! I'm actually having so much fun. I can't believe I'm already 96weeks3days unpregnant!