Embracing Failure

Warning - Advo.cat gets touchy-feely in this post.

I am not ashamed to admit that I am what they call an "A-type" personality. I'm pretty sure some most of you can relate. I strive for perfection, and that has gotten me pretty far in life. But a big drawback is that anything but perfection is by default a failure. Setting those kinds of standards for yourself is dangerous when, as we all know, perfection is rarely achieved. Over time, I had to develop a way to deal with what I perceived to be constant failure. Instead of seeing it as something that ought to be avoided, I redefined it as something that is a natural part of life.

For example, I often joke that I have a "daily fail quota" that I must meet. Like, "Shit, I messed up. Oh! that's good, I'm closer to meeting my daily fail quota".

That probably sounds crazy, but it's my coping mechanism and I'm entitled to it. And you know what? It has been pretty handy lately! I see my 3 miscarriages as special achievements that grant me entry into a prestigious club of failures. [<-- sarcasm]

I say all these things in jest, but what I am seriously talking about is seeing the positive in something negative. Sometimes that's a cliche. Sometimes it's just something losers say to make themselves feel better. But sometimes it's true. I'm not talking about some nebulous notion of "this is all part of a bigger plan" and "God works in ways we can't understand". I'm saying I completely understand all sides of what is happening to me. I understand that it mostly sucks giant balls. But I also understand that there may positive aspects. At the very least, every failure is a learning experience - maybe about how to do it better next time, maybe about my strengths and weaknesses, maybe about other people's reactions to various events, but at the very least a learning experience about myself.

What I'm learning so far is that I am much stronger than I thought I could be, but also much more fragile in other ways. I didn't know that all this baby stuff mattered so much to me. But I didn't know that I could get through everything that's happened and be ready to go back for more. I'm learning just how little I know about myself.

Think twice about removing preggo friends from your newsfeed

So this weird thing happened.

I have this Facebook "friend" who I went to elementary school with. I still keep in touch with some ladies from my class and she happens to be in that circle of friends, but we're not particularly close. Anyway, a few months ago she posted a pregnancy announcement. Soon enough, my newsfeed flooded with her annoying status updates and eventually the gender reveal - twins - boy and girl. FML. That was about a month ago, and I decided to remove her from my newsfeed then.

So last night we all went out for dinner for the first time since the pregnancy announcement. I was late to arrive and everyone was already sitting down so I couldn't really see her belly, but it definitely wasn't bulging out as far as I would expect at 22ish weeks with twins.

Then she orders a bellini. Ok... I guess one drink every now and then is not the end of the world.

We start talking about what we're all planning for 2012 and eventually it gets to her turn. She says, "yeah, I dropped out of school last year because it was all too much to handle when I was pregnant with twins. But now, I don't know, I guess I should go back or do something else, but what's the point if I just get pregnant again."

I am thoroughly confused. Did she already have the babies? Did she lose them? I didn't see anything on Facebook about it, but then again maybe she wouldn't post about something tragic like that. I feel awkward asking her directly or even whispering the question to someone else at the table.

I get home and immediately proceed to her Facebook profile. There it is - she lost the babies a few weeks ago. How did I miss that? OH. I KNOW. I removed her from my effing newsfeed is how!

Holy $h!t. The irony.

Now I'm wondering if I should reach out and say something to her. About how sorry I am and how I know how she must feel because I've been there. I haven't told anyone except my 3 closest friends, but that's because nobody else would really understand or care. She would, and I want her to know that I do, too. But I'm scared to put myself out there with someone who I see only a few times a year and don't really know very well. Would it help her, or would it just pick at the scab?

Fine, you're right

Well, the clear consensus seems to be that we should not TTC this cycle and instead complete all of the recurrent pregnancy loss testing. I kinda already knew that was the right thing to do, but my impatient side needed a shove in the right direction. Thanks to everyone who responded.

The funny thing is, it might all be a moot point anyway. My cycles are 2-4 months long and I'm only on CD 15 right now, so the chances of me dropping an egg before the hysteroscopy are slim.

I just can't believe how long it's been since we started TTC in summer of 2010. I was so sure we would be parents by now. It seems like everyone I've been following has already moved past us in this race (I know it's not a race, but it feels like it sometimes). Bah... 2012 - you better not screw me over too.

Welcome, ICLW'ers (and please help me decide what to do)

Hello old friends and new ones,

[Please read on to see how you can be part of my major life decisions]

This is only the second time I have done ICLW, and although it is definitely time consuming, I think I should do it more often. First of all, it gets me to expand my reading horizons a bit and I've stumbled across some new and interesting blogs that I otherwise would not have seen. Secondly, it gets more people to read this blog, which makes me feel less ronery (shout-out to Kim Jong Il).

Where am I going with this? Ok, the fact that lots of people are stopping by this week is perfect timing for you all to participate in an important decision I have been pondering over the last week.

With my 3rd miscarriage I finally qualified for "recurrent pregnancy loss" testing. I have done all of the tests, and they have all come back normal, except I still have two missing pieces of information:

1. the results of genetic karyotyping from miscarriage #3; and
2. a hysteroscopy scheduled for January which would rule out any physical uterine abnormalities.

So, at this point, I believe that I don't have any auto-immune or blood clotting issues (woot!), and that I probably don't have PCOS/hormonal problems. The only possible issues out there are genetic or physical, and I really don't have any reason to suspect the physical ones. I would actually put my money on the miscarriages being the result of genetic issues. It's what makes the most sense given how early on they were.

So the question is: DO WE TTC THIS CYCLE?

If we do, we might get knocked up again and not be able to do the hysteroscopy in January, and I might have another miscarriage and put everything back another 6 months. If we don't TTC, we can do the hysteroscopy and maybe get some clomid to increase the quality of my eggs. Oh, but I reeeeeeally hate waiting!

Thoughts?

And a partridge in a pear tree

On the first day of Christmas, my body gave to me
A traumatizing D&C

On the second day of Christmas, my body gave to me
Two years of trying, and a traumatizing D&C

On the third day of Christmas, my body gave to me
Three miscarriages, two years of trying, and a traumatizing D&C

On the fourth day of Christmas, my body gave to me
Four cycles a year, three miscarriages, two years of trying, and a traumatizing D&C

On the fifth day of Christmas, my body gave to me
Five sleepless nights, four cycles a year, three miscarriages, two years of trying, and a traumatizing D&C

On the sixth day of Christmas, my body gave to me
Six mental breakdowns, five sleepless nights, four cycles a year, three miscarriages, two years of trying, and a traumatizing D&C

On the seventh day of Christmas, my body gave to me
Seven hours in hospital, six mental breakdowns, five sleepless nights, four cycles a year, three miscarriages, two years of trying, and a traumatizing D&C

On the eigth day of Christmas, my body gave to me
Eight vaginal ultrasounds, seven hours in hospital, six mental breakdowns, five sleepless nights, four cycles a year, three miscarriages, two years of trying, and a traumatizing D&C

On the ninth day of Christmas, my body gave to me
Nine months of emptiness, eight vaginal ultrasounds, seven hours in hospital, six mental breakdowns, five sleepless nights, four cycles a year, three miscarriages, two years of trying, and a traumatizing D&C

On the tenth day of Christmas, my body gave to me
Ten pounds of belly fat, nine months of emptiness, eight vaginal ultrasounds, seven hours in hospital, six mental breakdowns, five sleepless nights, four cycles a year, three miscarriages, two years of trying, and a traumatizing D&C

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my body gave to me
Eleven fits of rage, ten pounds of belly fat, nine months of emptiness, eight vaginal ultrasounds, seven hours in hospital, six mental breakdowns, five sleepless nights, four cycles a year, three miscarriages, two years of trying, and a traumatizing D&C

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my body gave to me
Twelve blood draws, eleven fits of rage, ten pounds of belly fat, nine months of emptiness, eight vaginal ultrasounds, seven hours in hospital, six mental breakdowns, five sleepless nights, four cycles a year, three miscarriages, two years of trying, and a traumatizing D&C

Well that was anti-climactic

I had an inkling this would happen. I went to the doctor today expecting to discuss the karyotype test results from the last miscarriage. That was the purpose of this appointment. They didn't have the results.

I don't know what is wrong with people. Maybe I should have called ahead to confirm.

Whatever.

So I got to see the doctor anyway - on time even!! She is sending us for the pregnancy loss work-up regardless of those pending results. So I have some blood to give on day 3 and a hysteroscopy to attend. The hubbs will give blood too, so we can test for any genetic incompatibilities. He's pretty disappointed there won't be a semen anlysis, but I told him he can jerk off in the blood lab anyway, if he really wants to.

So it's not a total loss. We get to do these tests in the meantime, which I really want to do in order to rule out any possible issues, as unlikely as they may be... unlikely things tend to happen to me, it seems.

She confirmed the next steps will likely involve Clomid and progesterone. I also had a chat with her about the thyroid issue. She confirmed it could actually be what caused the miscarriages, and that studies have shown even sub-clinical hypothyroidism is related to pregnancy loss. Grrrrreat.

So those are the facts, ma'am. What to make of them? Obviously, I am as impatient as ever. These tests will take at least another month. Who knows when my next cycle will start after that. Bah.

But I see the many positives here. We are covering all the bases. There will be treatment involving marvelous modern medicine. We have time to see if the synthroid will possibly make my cycles more normal on their own. I can drink and be merry as much as I want this holiday season. I can ski this winter. Would I trade all of that for a baby? Yes.

Note to self

This blog is *almost* 100% for me. I would be lying if I said when I write on here, I don't keep in mind what potential readers might think/like/dislike. Still, I have a pretty good policy on only writing when I feel like it, and I don't worry too much about posting to keep people constantly entertained.

So I haven't posted in like... I don't know... a LONG TIME. And I honestly feel no guilt about it. Even at this moment, I don't really feel like it... but I know in my mind that I should write down my thoughts today so that I can have a record of them tomorrow. Why tomorrow? Tomorrow is results day. I will be meeting with the OB to discuss the results of genetic testing from the last (third) miscarriage.

I think I should write down my thoughts about it now, while I am unencumbered by various facts and emotions that may skew my perspective and make me think more negatively about it.

There are really two possible outcomes tomorrow.

Possible Outcome #1: the test reveals a genetic abnormality. This will mean that there is no evidence that I am unable to support a pregnancy - just that there was a genetic mistake. Since I've had three miscarriages, there might be an egg quality issue or a compatibility issue between me and hubbs. I suspect that there is an egg quality issue because all three babies were conceived very late in my cycle (around CD50) which can result in deteriorated eggs. They may do additional tests, but the prescription will probably be Clomid to speed up ovulation and possibly progesterone just in case.

Possible Outcome #2: the test reveals no genetic abnormality. This means that there might be something wrong with my ability to support a pregnancy. Since all of my miscarriages have been early on, this may suggest progesterone deficiency. If my previously undetected hypothyroidism was the problem, then I am already taking synthroid for that. They may do other tests, but the prescription will probably be Clomid and progesterone.

Soooooo... I don't know for sure if that's how things will play out, but it seems like the eventual plan will be the same. No reason to panic. Just take it one step at a time.