I didn't post last week because there was nothing major to report and I figured I would wait until the OB appointment this week since she would probably do a scan. It turns out there was nothing to wait for as the OB did not scan. Booooo urns
I must say I'm pretty disappointed I didn't get to see the burrito. I am not eligible for an NT scan, so the next time I get to see anything on screen is at 19 weeks. Apparently at this point they just stick with the doppler, but I already have that at home. I wanted some extra reassurance before I go spreading the news to people. I don't think it's unreasonably for someone with my history to be hesitant even at this point. Well I guess I will just have to take her word that everything is fine.
The next little while is going to be awkward. I have gotten quite accustomed to keeping pregnancy a secret, and I am not looking forward to telling people. Part of that dread is that every time I talk about it I think about all the shitty things that led up to this point and I fear that it will end badly again. The people I'm going to be telling, for the most part, will not be aware of any of that. I wish everyone could understand that it was not an easy road and that we are still not sure of anything, but instead most people will just think it's all 100% great. I have to sort this out this mess in my head before I start talking to people.
The worst part will be telling people at work. I am one female amongst 7 men, and things are tense as it is. I guess the upside is I will hopefully have a full year's break from it.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Eleven
Thanks to You tube I have mastered the art of dopplering. I can now find the heartbeat within a minute. It is way lower than I thought - almost in the forested pubic region. It's pretty cool that I can do it every day and have that peace of mind. Truly magical.
So, with this new found source of confidence, I put up a cheesy ticker. Actually, I put up two. I figure I have to make up for the months I should have still had a ticker going in previous pregnancies.
Not everything is sunshine and roses, though. I got a blood test for anemia and thyroid (both problems I have had for some time). The thyroid came back great, but the anemia is the worst it has ever been. This is not surprising as it is common in pregnancy, but still I am so frustrated because I put so much effort into eating right to maximize my iron. The other frustrating thing is that, once again, my doctor is MIA. I only know these test results because I signed up for the online program where you can check yourself. If I was not so tech savvy, I would still be unaware of the problem. Is she even going to call me about it or is the report sitting somewhere on the bottom of a large pile of things to be ignored? Can I get some supplements or something? This is why I am going to probably switch to a midwife. I don't know why, but I have an impression that they would be more responsive than this.
In other news, nausea has subsided except for early morning and late evening. No complaints.
Wow. I can't believe we are still in the game.
So, with this new found source of confidence, I put up a cheesy ticker. Actually, I put up two. I figure I have to make up for the months I should have still had a ticker going in previous pregnancies.
Not everything is sunshine and roses, though. I got a blood test for anemia and thyroid (both problems I have had for some time). The thyroid came back great, but the anemia is the worst it has ever been. This is not surprising as it is common in pregnancy, but still I am so frustrated because I put so much effort into eating right to maximize my iron. The other frustrating thing is that, once again, my doctor is MIA. I only know these test results because I signed up for the online program where you can check yourself. If I was not so tech savvy, I would still be unaware of the problem. Is she even going to call me about it or is the report sitting somewhere on the bottom of a large pile of things to be ignored? Can I get some supplements or something? This is why I am going to probably switch to a midwife. I don't know why, but I have an impression that they would be more responsive than this.
In other news, nausea has subsided except for early morning and late evening. No complaints.
Wow. I can't believe we are still in the game.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Ten
Ten weeks.
In reading some other blogs lately, I see just how fortunate I am to be here and still have hope that this will work out. I have not enjoyed the last two years of shittiness, but I realize that in the grand scheme of things, it has not been as difficult for me as for many others. In that spirit, I do not wish to take any of it for granted, so I have accomplished a lot of things this week.
1. Finally tracked down some midwives. My preferred midwifery clinic in the neighbourhood was all full for November babies, but I was able to find two other clinics relatively nearby and have appointments at each of them to decide which one I would *hopefully* want to go with. It's nice to have options =) And no offense to my OB, but I see her as more of a surgical, clinical, super-scientific fem-bot. I think for the actual birth, I will need someone with bedside manner.
2. Rented a doppler. I was sure it was going to be expensive to rent it for a few months, plus the shipping costs, but it turns out there is a company in the province that rents them out at an awesome price ($29/month) and the shipping there and back is only $12. So I figured it was worth it financially, though it might not have been worth it if I was not able to find the heartbeat and it just freaked me out. I got it in the mail yesterday and tried it out. It was realllllly hard to find the heartbeat. I had to press into my belly and search around aimlessly for a long time but eventually managed to do it - once in the span of an hour. It was somewhere around 176 bpm, which is great. Then I tried again after dinner but could not find it. I don't understand whether it will always be in sort of the same place or will move around a lot. I found it on the right side of my lower abdomen, but then the next time it wasn't there... Meh, I'm not too concerned. I think I will hold off searching for it again until 11 weeks. Hearing it once yesterday will stave off my insanity for at least a week.
3. Found a prenatal yoga class on Sundays. Magical.
Things I am looking forward to:
1. Getting off the progesterone suppositories. OB said I can just quit cold turkey at 10 weeks but I am a little too paranoid at this point to do that. I think I will continue until 11 weeks and then slowly wean myself off between weeks 11 and 13.
2. Next OB appointment is in 3 weeks. Arghhhh. But my midwife "meet-and-greet" appointments are earlier, so maybe they will be nice and scan me.
3. The end of nausea is nigh. I can feel it lessening a bit over the past few days, but it is still constantly there, just a bit more subtle. This is not a huge problem, but it would be nice to get back to normal.
4. Thinking of putting up a lame ticker, but the fear of jinx prevails. Maybe later.
In reading some other blogs lately, I see just how fortunate I am to be here and still have hope that this will work out. I have not enjoyed the last two years of shittiness, but I realize that in the grand scheme of things, it has not been as difficult for me as for many others. In that spirit, I do not wish to take any of it for granted, so I have accomplished a lot of things this week.
1. Finally tracked down some midwives. My preferred midwifery clinic in the neighbourhood was all full for November babies, but I was able to find two other clinics relatively nearby and have appointments at each of them to decide which one I would *hopefully* want to go with. It's nice to have options =) And no offense to my OB, but I see her as more of a surgical, clinical, super-scientific fem-bot. I think for the actual birth, I will need someone with bedside manner.
2. Rented a doppler. I was sure it was going to be expensive to rent it for a few months, plus the shipping costs, but it turns out there is a company in the province that rents them out at an awesome price ($29/month) and the shipping there and back is only $12. So I figured it was worth it financially, though it might not have been worth it if I was not able to find the heartbeat and it just freaked me out. I got it in the mail yesterday and tried it out. It was realllllly hard to find the heartbeat. I had to press into my belly and search around aimlessly for a long time but eventually managed to do it - once in the span of an hour. It was somewhere around 176 bpm, which is great. Then I tried again after dinner but could not find it. I don't understand whether it will always be in sort of the same place or will move around a lot. I found it on the right side of my lower abdomen, but then the next time it wasn't there... Meh, I'm not too concerned. I think I will hold off searching for it again until 11 weeks. Hearing it once yesterday will stave off my insanity for at least a week.
3. Found a prenatal yoga class on Sundays. Magical.
Things I am looking forward to:
1. Getting off the progesterone suppositories. OB said I can just quit cold turkey at 10 weeks but I am a little too paranoid at this point to do that. I think I will continue until 11 weeks and then slowly wean myself off between weeks 11 and 13.
2. Next OB appointment is in 3 weeks. Arghhhh. But my midwife "meet-and-greet" appointments are earlier, so maybe they will be nice and scan me.
3. The end of nausea is nigh. I can feel it lessening a bit over the past few days, but it is still constantly there, just a bit more subtle. This is not a huge problem, but it would be nice to get back to normal.
4. Thinking of putting up a lame ticker, but the fear of jinx prevails. Maybe later.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Nine
I am nine weeks in. As of yesterday, there is still an appropriately sized human with a heartbeat in there. It has a huge head and tiny t-rex limbs. Apparently after 9 weeks it is no longer called an "embryo", but rather a "fetus".
I have a fetus. Why don't I feel any better?
I keep scaring myself with the thought that the fetus is now so big that if I miscarried again, I would definitely have a D&C - that is not something I want to do again.
I have had a scan every two weeks so far, but now I have to wait an entire MONTH for the next one. Don't know how I will make it for a whole month... but then I will hopefully be 13 weeks and over the biggest hump.
Wow, this post is very choppy and negative. Maybe I need to get off my ass and exercise to release some endorphins.
I have a fetus. Why don't I feel any better?
I keep scaring myself with the thought that the fetus is now so big that if I miscarried again, I would definitely have a D&C - that is not something I want to do again.
I have had a scan every two weeks so far, but now I have to wait an entire MONTH for the next one. Don't know how I will make it for a whole month... but then I will hopefully be 13 weeks and over the biggest hump.
Wow, this post is very choppy and negative. Maybe I need to get off my ass and exercise to release some endorphins.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Been a bad kitty
Things I have done during this pregnancy that will surely cause a miscarriage:
1. Eaten sushi (yes, of the raw fish variety)
2. Eaten cured meat
3. Gone skiing
4. Consumed caffeine
5. Had the flu for 2 weeks
6. Lifted heavy things
7. Been constantly stressed at work
8. Forgotten to take my vitamins
9. Inhaled second hand smoke
10. Consumed alcohol
That just about covers it, right? These are not things I have done every day. Most of them happened only once, and in small doses. Some of them were totally beyond my control (like getting the flu and inhaling cigarette smoke). I just don't have the energy to be perfect. Of course, I am going to try my hardest to eliminate these things going forward. But you know what, I avoided ALL OF THEM the last three times and it didn't make any difference.
1. Eaten sushi (yes, of the raw fish variety)
2. Eaten cured meat
3. Gone skiing
4. Consumed caffeine
5. Had the flu for 2 weeks
6. Lifted heavy things
7. Been constantly stressed at work
8. Forgotten to take my vitamins
9. Inhaled second hand smoke
10. Consumed alcohol
That just about covers it, right? These are not things I have done every day. Most of them happened only once, and in small doses. Some of them were totally beyond my control (like getting the flu and inhaling cigarette smoke). I just don't have the energy to be perfect. Of course, I am going to try my hardest to eliminate these things going forward. But you know what, I avoided ALL OF THEM the last three times and it didn't make any difference.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
It's alive!!
Muhahahahah IT'S ALIVE!!! IT'S ALIVE!!!
Heart beat = 134 bpm
Measuring 7 weeks
Let us praise ceiling cat.
I am obviously very excited about this. It's the farthest we have ever come and I am starting to feel slightly less apocalyptic about my universe. I should, however, tell you some of the other things that happened today.
First Thing: I left my cell phone at home today, which is always a bit stressful because it means I can't play Words With Friends throughout the day. But as if that wasn't enough, I come home this evening to discover 6 missed calls... from the HOSPITAL. 3 voicemails. Jebus.
It turned out it was someone from the pregnancy loss clinic calling me to set up an appointment for a repeat pregnancy loss plan. Ok... not as bad as it could have been (like someone in my family got hit by a car or something), but still rather OMINOUS on the day I am getting my ultrasound. They left 3 messages because they got cut off the first time, and then the second time left the wrong appointment time. Whatever. I hope to never attend there.
Second Thing: When I finally got to the ultrasound appointment at 7:30pm, I had to go through the usual rigmarole with the tech about "how many pregnancies have you had", "oh so you have three kids already?", "oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Do they know what's wrong?", "oh... well I guess we'll just do the scan now". The poor girl's face was paler than mine by the time we got through the questions (and she was Indian, so that's realllllly pale). Anyway, she proceeds to do the scan and everything is fine. Finally, at the very end she hands me the printout picture and says, "So glad it's looking good. You're my first normal scan of the day."
= | GULP
Seriously? I had to get the bad luck tech?? Bah, don't care, it turned out ok. Now let's hope it keeps up.
Heart beat = 134 bpm
Measuring 7 weeks
Let us praise ceiling cat.
I am obviously very excited about this. It's the farthest we have ever come and I am starting to feel slightly less apocalyptic about my universe. I should, however, tell you some of the other things that happened today.
First Thing: I left my cell phone at home today, which is always a bit stressful because it means I can't play Words With Friends throughout the day. But as if that wasn't enough, I come home this evening to discover 6 missed calls... from the HOSPITAL. 3 voicemails. Jebus.
It turned out it was someone from the pregnancy loss clinic calling me to set up an appointment for a repeat pregnancy loss plan. Ok... not as bad as it could have been (like someone in my family got hit by a car or something), but still rather OMINOUS on the day I am getting my ultrasound. They left 3 messages because they got cut off the first time, and then the second time left the wrong appointment time. Whatever. I hope to never attend there.
Second Thing: When I finally got to the ultrasound appointment at 7:30pm, I had to go through the usual rigmarole with the tech about "how many pregnancies have you had", "oh so you have three kids already?", "oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Do they know what's wrong?", "oh... well I guess we'll just do the scan now". The poor girl's face was paler than mine by the time we got through the questions (and she was Indian, so that's realllllly pale). Anyway, she proceeds to do the scan and everything is fine. Finally, at the very end she hands me the printout picture and says, "So glad it's looking good. You're my first normal scan of the day."
= | GULP
Seriously? I had to get the bad luck tech?? Bah, don't care, it turned out ok. Now let's hope it keeps up.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Nightmare
Things to report since my last post at 5 weeks:
- I am now just shy of 7 weeks.
- Dating scan tomorrow night = moment of truth
- No bleeding to report (this doesn't mean I haven't miscarried - could just be due to the progesterone suppositories)
- Symptoms include: constant nausea and metallic taste in my mouth, frequent urination, runny nose, powerful urge to sleep all day.
So yeah, the scan tomorrow will be the big moment. If there is a 7 week old human with a good strong heartbeat, we are going to celebrate.
Last night I had the most vivid nightmare of my life. It involved the discovery of fresh red blood on toilet paper (classic!), followed by a miscarriage on the toilet. For some reason, the products of conception that came out were two little red grapes (wtf) - this did not make it any less scary.
I woke up panting and in a complete panic. It seemed so real. I literally had to calm myself down and remind myself that nothing like that had happened *yet*. Let's hope it's just a nightmare and not a premonition?
- I am now just shy of 7 weeks.
- Dating scan tomorrow night = moment of truth
- No bleeding to report (this doesn't mean I haven't miscarried - could just be due to the progesterone suppositories)
- Symptoms include: constant nausea and metallic taste in my mouth, frequent urination, runny nose, powerful urge to sleep all day.
So yeah, the scan tomorrow will be the big moment. If there is a 7 week old human with a good strong heartbeat, we are going to celebrate.
Last night I had the most vivid nightmare of my life. It involved the discovery of fresh red blood on toilet paper (classic!), followed by a miscarriage on the toilet. For some reason, the products of conception that came out were two little red grapes (wtf) - this did not make it any less scary.
I woke up panting and in a complete panic. It seemed so real. I literally had to calm myself down and remind myself that nothing like that had happened *yet*. Let's hope it's just a nightmare and not a premonition?
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