Wishlist

I pride myself on being a grateful person. I frequently marvel at the thought of how fortunate I am to have all that I have and be living in this place and time. Sometimes it gets to the point where I feel unworthy and can't really enjoy things as much because I keep thinking about how I don't deserve them.

Lately though, I have found myself having little moments of spoiled ungratefulness because for once in my life I can't seem to get something I want. This happened last night and I can't believe how ridiculously my mind was behaving. I came home from work at a reasonable hour and hubbs had already prepared a gluten-free pizza for dinner (yums). We ate pizza and watched Game of Thrones (great new HBO show) for an hour, and then decided to go out and do something while the sun was still out (it has been raining all. freaking. summer.). So we put the top down on the car and drove out to a driving range to hit a few golf balls (the firm golf tournament is coming up and I need to learn how to hit a ball so that I don't completely embarass myself).

So there we are, driving along the pacific ocean shoreline on a sunny July day, without a care in the world and hubbs pops in a Peal Jam CD (the Yield record, which is, IMHO, the best sex marathon CD ever - but that story is for another day). Anyway, "Wishlist" comes on and I start singing along:

I wish I was a neutron bomb, for once I could go off
I wish I was a sacrifice but somehow still lived on
I wish I was a sentimental ornament you hung on
The Christmas tree, I wish I was the star that went on top
I wish I was the evidence, I wish I was the grounds
For 50 million hands upraised and open toward the sky

I wish I was a sailor with someone who waited for me
I wish I was as fortunate, as fortunate as me
I wish I was a messenger and all the news was good
I wish I was the full moon shining off a Camaro's hood

I wish I was an alien at home behind the sun
I wish I was the souvenir you kept your house key on
I wish I was the pedal brake that you depended on
I wish I was the verb 'to trust' and never let you down

I wish I was a radio song, the one that you turned up
I wish...
I wish...


Sigh... when a song like that comes on of course I start wishing for a certain thing that seems to be evading me, and I start getting all weepy and depressed. And then I slap myself (figuratively, because I'm driving and need both hands) for being such an ungrateful bastard. How crazy am I to be in this perfect, blissful moment and be thinking about the one thing that is missing? Not only is it ungrateful, it is needlessly spoiling a good time.

When stuff like this happens, I have to consciously remind myself of how awesome my life is. And I think sometimes even when I do that, I fail to take into account that many of the things I have are totally bonus items on top of what I originally hoped for. For example:

- I have a husband: didn't think this would happen til I was much older, and definitely didn't ever imagine him being as amazing/brilliant/loving as he is.
- I have a home: didn't think it would be as spacious and centrally located as it is, and that I would have almost 1/3 of the mortgage paid off by the time I was 26. Seriously, that is ridiculous.
- I have a family: they are not perfect by any means, but we are a pretty great team. They always help me, and I try my best to help them.
- On top of all this, I also have the cutest cat on the planet.

Overall, I have accomplished pretty much all of the personal goals I had set for myself when I was younger: becoming a self-sufficient career woman, finding a great man, owning a home, adopting a cat, learning how to sail and play the piano (I am at the beginner stage on these, but making great progress), completing a triathlon, visiting Europe, New York and Hawaii.

True, I have had to work VERY hard for some all of these things, but they were also made possible by the positive people and circumstances around me.

What is left to want? Just that one thing I can't seem to get. And honestly, I don't think I would trade that one thing for all of the others I do have, so I guess if I were to die today and had to do the final accounting of life experiences, I wouldn't be in the red. That is the bottom line.