My Favourite Genre is Suspense

I've been attempting to work for the past few hours but cannot focus due to the impending second beta results that should be posted shortly. It's actually quite annoying because I have to get some things done ASAP but just can't force my mind to concentrate on anything other than beta beta beta.

I found this handy little beta HCG calculator which tells me that based on my previous beta of 34 I need something in the range of 300 to be in the clear for now.

So I figured I could at least spew my thoughts out here while I wait. I am not super concerned about it as I have been feeling pretty messed up for the past few days so I assume the hormones are pumping. Last night I went to bed at 8pm again and slept a good 10 hours, and am ready to go back to bed now (2pm). I have also been uncharacteristically disinterested in food today.

Holy shishkebab. Results are posted. 17 DPO, HCG = 1425!!

Dammit, now I won't be able to focus on work because I'm too giddy.

On the Bright Side

In the spirit of yin/yang, equilibrium, balance and harmony, I would like to even the scales a little after my last depressing post. Here are a few things that are positive about my current situation:

1. I have taken 6 preggo tests which have all been positive, and getting progressively darker.
2. My temps are higher than ever, and staying way up there.
3. Symptoms are increasing slowly but surely. For example, I had absolutely no breast tenderness until about 13DPO (3 days ago), and since then they have gotten pretty sore to the point that I can feel the pain any time I move my body. Still no nausea but I am so friggin tired. I took 2 naps this weekend AND slept 9 hours each night and still feel totally wiped. Also, I have been having gentle cramping on and off which suggests that the womb is expanding. I sure hope that is what's going on because that is how I'm justifying this bump:

So overall, I am progressing much better than my last pregnancy where the HPT went negative only 3 days after showing positive, and I had no booby pain at all.

These are all good things, yes? Now in the words of Mo, let's keep all appendages crossed that it continues!

Fear

Fear is what defines me at the moment. Sad, I know. But justified, I think.

I want so badly for this time to be different, but I have no reason to believe that it will. It's easy to say "just stop worrying, you're stressing yourself out", but anyone who has been in this position knows that is impossible.

I now understand what people say about miscarriage taking away your ability to ever blissfully enjoy pregnancy. I will live in fear until I see a heartbeat. Then I will live in fear until I am 12 weeks. Then I will live in fear until viability, then... you get the picture.

I am a positive person by nature, so I am actually holding it together quite well. I just always seem to have this little knot in my stomach that won't go away.

Right now I am trying to decide whether to ask my doctor for a second beta, or even schedule a dating ultrasound (I already have a requisition I can use which my OB gave me for just such circumstances). On one hand, I want to verify that everything is ok. On the other hand, if it's not, I kinda don't want to know! And in any case, there's nothing I can do if this is not a viable pregnancy except wait it out. I'm leaning towards doing nothing for the time being.

In other news, I tried going to yoga today and couldn't do anything involving abs. As soon as I flexed, I could feel a stabbing pain. Hmm, that doesn't seem normal.

The Erection Results are In

As of today, I am knocked up.

HCG = 35 (not bad for 11DPO)
Progesterone = 62 nmol/L (which translates to 19.5 ng/ml)

3rd time's a charm? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek

Patience is Evaporating

Strangeness.

I was all excited to pee on sticks as soon as possible, but 9 DPO came and went and I wasn't feeling any symptoms (which I had with my two previous pregnancies), so I didn't really feel like testing yet. Then this morning (10 DPO) I basically forced myself to test just for record keeping purposes. I got a BFN, and then an evaporation line about 10 minutes later. I presume it is an evap line, as the instructions say to check within 5 minutes. But of course the evil little evapo is toying with my mind making me think it was just a "delayed positive". It's not.

I'm still not feeling any symptoms other than a few aches here and there, but that's just me getting old. I am already thinking past this cycle and looking forward to seeing the OB in September. The past few days have been a cycle of despair-apathy-impatience-melancholy and so on. I try to keep it in apathy mode as much as possible because, really, there is nothing I can do so why fret.

I had only one bad moment of despair this weekend while hubbs was out go-karting with his Little Brother - yes, that is not his biological brother but a "Little Brother" he volunteers with once a week as a sort of "Father Figure". I don't think I need to explain to you how that makes his infertile wife feel... Whatever, it's a good thing to do, and I guess I'd rather he get some satisfaction from that than have nothing at all.

On the bright side, we are totally balls deep with this kitchen reno and it's going to be so. effing. awesome. It will be the kind of kitchen only two yuppie DINKs can afford. Yes. This kitchen will make everything ok [rocks back and forth while staring blankly].

Fuck Cancer

Today one of Canada's political leaders passed away. I was never a huge supporter of his party, and often disagreed with his political views on many levels. Nevertheless, he did something which few people have the courage or stamina for: he tried to change things for the better, in the face of constant public scrutiny, while fighting cancer.

And so I tip my hat to you, Jack, and thank you for your efforts during life, and for your parting words upon your death. They apply to me, and I am sure to any one who will read this.

"My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world."
- Jack Layton (1950-2011)

Read the full text of his last letter here: http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/story/2011/08/22/pol-layton-last-letter.html

Nothing but Fish

As DPO 5 is coming to a close, I have nothing to report on the baby front. Nada. I thought my left nipple was sore for a second but realized I had just spilled hot tea on myself and it was burning through my shirt. A bit of constipation yesterday, but again, that could have been the whole milk hot chocolate I unadvisedly (is that a word?) consumed after lunch. Having said all that, I realize that it is silly to expect any symptoms prior to implantation (if it happens) which would be a few days from now.

Something interesting did happen two nights ago. Last week I was perusing a message board where someone mentioned an old wives tale that if you dream about a fish then you are pregnant. Then a bunch of people responded with various alternate versions of this, like, if your mother dreams about a fish, or if you dream about fish three times, or if your mother dreams about you eating a fish, or... you get the picture.

So of course my reaction to this thread is - Bulllllllll Cheeeeeeet! Obviously it is a silly superstition, and now that I have read about it and discredited it, I will not have such a dream.

Sure enough, a few days later I had a fish dream. It was the most vivid dream I have had in a long time (I generally don't remember my dreams at all). In this dream, I had purchased some filets of cod or halibut... something that's not salmon... and got it packed in the special paper they use at the deli. But as soon as it was in my hands I could feel the fish liquids escaping through the paper and making my hands stinky, so I walked super fast to wherever I was going, which turned out to be my grandma's house (it looked nothing like her actual house, but in my dream I knew it was her kitchen). I put the fish down on the counter and said I was going to cook it now, but she was already dressed in her apron and said she would take care of it. I said no, this is my fish and I want to cook it myself because you don't know how I like to prepare it.

That's the last of the dream I remember. Pretty weird, huh? I guess I outsmarted myself subconsciously.

Tubular!

Alright! Ovulation confirmed! And look at that BD record - almost as good as my high school report card (hyuck, hyuck,*snort*).

I am stoked. I am also kind of freaked out that implantation is unlikely when the uterine lining is 50 days old. Although not impossible, so here's hoping.

But now what? No OPK's to pee on, and no HPT's to pee on yet. What a waste of perfectly good urine. Am I to just flush it down the toilet? How barbaric.

I plan to start testing early - maybe CD 9. If I am knocked up, I want to get it on record at the doctor's even if it ends up being a chemical because I want them to run a progesterone test.

My plan for the next two weeks will be to do LOTS of yoga to get plenty of circulation down there. My other plan is to start working on a kitchen renovation, which at this point is the only distraction powerful enough to keep my mind off this.

Will this be a 62 day cycle?

48 days + 17 opk's = (hopefully) 1 ovulation

Wow, that math is a bit depressing, but I'm not going to complain!

I still need a few temps above the cover line to confirm, but I think we may have had an egg drop on CD 48 (or maybe 49). CM was super eggwhity, and then dropped off abruptly to sticky. There appeared to be a pre-O dip in temperature, although that could have been due to sleep deprivation. I got 4 hours sleep that night (sometimes I hate my job), which is more than the requisite for temping, but I find that personally my temps are very affected when I get less than 7 hours. Then there were what I think are positive OPK's. It's tough to tell. They were very dark, the darkest they have been this cycle, and then dropped off to definitely negative yesterday.

The top one is from Friday at 1pm, the bottom from Friday at 9pm. I am going to count the 9pm one as positive, mmmkay?

I really really really hope temps stay up tomorrow because that will be the final piece of the puzzle. We had excellent BDing in quantity and quality =), so if I did ovulate, we have a very good chance of conception.

How do I feel about this? Ugh, I don't know. I keep flip-flopping between being super excited and hopeful, and then very nervous, pessimistic, depressed. At this point I sort of expect this either not to work at all, or to end up in another miscarriage, and I don't want to build up my expectations only to have everything come crashing down. On the other hand, I feel like everything fell into place nicely and we did everything right.

I have tried to take my own advice posted on other people's blogs and just try to enjoy the idea that everything might work out, because 2 weeks of unsubstantiated happiness followed by disappointment is better than 2 weeks of unsubstantiated depression followed by disappointment. But shit, it is easier said than done! The mind plays evil games with us, doesn't it.

Reverse Psychology Physiology

We know reverse psychology works. Examples:

- the time my mother said I shouldn't move away for school
- the time my brother said I'd be too chicken to get a nose piercing
- the time the IT people at work told me I shouldn't get the iPhone

All of those were great decisions spurred on by reverse psychology. But did you know that reverse psychology also works on your body's reproductive system?

Like, let's say you've given up on your current TTC cycle because you're already on CD 40 with no signs of ovulation. And you start working out like crazy because you've gained a few pounds since giving your body a break from exercise in order for it to focus on reproduction. And you have stopped temping every day because you figure it doesn't matter. And you haven't re-stocked your pile of OPK's.

What do you think happens then? I can tell you what! Your body goes, "hmm, so she doesn't want me to ovulate? Well, she can't tell me what to do! I'm in charge around here!"

So then you go to the loo and wipe, to discover that you've miraculously started producing the eggiest of all egg-white CM and you feel pre-o pain in your pelvic region, and you wonder - if I get my hopes up before ovulation is confirmed, will this reverse psychology reverse itself back to anovulation??

It's like a mirror facing a mirror. Your mind implodes. You die. Fin.

Tango.Tango.Charlie.

Time for a TTC update which, unfortunately, will probably be the last one for a while.

I think it might be best to lay this out in chronological order.

When we last left off, I was still recovering from the realization that natural remedies are not enough to get my cycles working properly and that we need to move on to more powerful stuff - i.e. Clomid. I was resolute and called the OB right away to set up an appointment. The conversation went like this:

Me: Hello, Doctor R told me to come in when I am ready for some Clomid, so I would like to set up an appointment.

Receptionista: Hmm, your referral is only valid for 6 months so you will need to get your GP to refer you again.

Me: Ahh, but it has only been 5 months since I was referred, so that should not be necessary.

Receptionista: Oh, but you see, the next available appointment is a month from today, so technically it will be more than 6 months.

Me: So what you're saying is that I need to go this roundabout route even though the doctor has already said she will prescribe the Clomid, and even though I am calling within the 6 month window, and even though my cyles are so messed up that this will likely set me back 3 months before I ovulate next. That is a really stupid and inefficient way to go about things, don't you think?

Receptionista: Call when you have a referral. Goodbye.

So off I went to my GP to get an effing referral. I will probably be unable to get an OB appointment until September (more likely October). I will have to wait until the next cycle to start the Clomid. That next cycle could be... who knows when! (btw, I am on CD 41 with no O). This means I will pass another birthday, another holiday season, another calendar year, another FOREVER before anything happens. Let us commence the self-pity fest.

I am not sure what to do at this point. Here are some options I've been considering:

1. Just forget about TTC. Stop charting, stop OPK'ing, maybe stop the non-stop baby dancing. Return to fitness/hobbies/social life mode.
2. Go get some provera and end this anovulatory bitch of a cycle, and try naturally one more time after that. Last time I took provera it almost killed me, but it did result in my shortest cycle ever.
3. Wait this baby out and hope that I will ovulate eventually. Not sure how likely a pregnancy would be to stick on a CD 60 or 70 ovulation, but we could give it a shot.

Thoughts?

What a Week

On Saturday morning we set off to the Oregon coast for a brief beach getaway. It was, as they say, AMAZEBALLS. We rented a really nice house on the beach (for a very decent price, btw), and spend our days hanging out at the beach, exploring nearby towns, and drinking much sangria. I am not a person who enjoys travelling, and I rarely feel the desire to revisit places I have travelled to, but the Oregon coast is an exception. I will happily return there again and again.

We drove back across the border on Tuesday night, and I was supposed to go to work Wednesday morning. However, upon waking up on Wednesday I was exhausted from the sun and long drive and just couldn't drag myself to the office. Since I knew many other people were away and I would have nothing to do, I "called in sick". The thing is, I don't actually need to inform anyone that I will not be coming in - I send an email to a few people out of courtesy. Anyway, this one chicka emails back "hope you're feeling better soon... btw, classic move". Translation = I don't think you're actually sick.

I don't know why, but this really pissed me off for the rest of the day, thereby spoiling my extra day of fun. Technically she is correct, I am not in fact "sick", but she doesn't know that. What if I was? And in any event, that's the sort of thing you think to yourself, but don't actually say unless you're the boss and you suspect an employee is playing hookie.

I came in to work at 7am yesterday and today, and I have gotten all of my work done on time. Then today another guy made a snide remark about it, and I totally lost it. I basically told him that I didn't think it was funny, and that he didn't know anything about my situation, and then I stormed out and went for a 15 minute walk while sobbing. Overreaction! OK, but seriously?? I am here at least 10 hours per day, sometimes more. I come in on weekends and holidays all the time. I am entitled to take a day off without all this hassle from everyone. Go fuck yourselves, you twats.