Fear is what defines me at the moment. Sad, I know. But justified, I think.
I want so badly for this time to be different, but I have no reason to believe that it will. It's easy to say "just stop worrying, you're stressing yourself out", but anyone who has been in this position knows that is impossible.
I now understand what people say about miscarriage taking away your ability to ever blissfully enjoy pregnancy. I will live in fear until I see a heartbeat. Then I will live in fear until I am 12 weeks. Then I will live in fear until viability, then... you get the picture.
I am a positive person by nature, so I am actually holding it together quite well. I just always seem to have this little knot in my stomach that won't go away.
Right now I am trying to decide whether to ask my doctor for a second beta, or even schedule a dating ultrasound (I already have a requisition I can use which my OB gave me for just such circumstances). On one hand, I want to verify that everything is ok. On the other hand, if it's not, I kinda don't want to know! And in any case, there's nothing I can do if this is not a viable pregnancy except wait it out. I'm leaning towards doing nothing for the time being.
In other news, I tried going to yoga today and couldn't do anything involving abs. As soon as I flexed, I could feel a stabbing pain. Hmm, that doesn't seem normal.