Saturday, August 27, 2011


Fear is what defines me at the moment. Sad, I know. But justified, I think.

I want so badly for this time to be different, but I have no reason to believe that it will. It's easy to say "just stop worrying, you're stressing yourself out", but anyone who has been in this position knows that is impossible.

I now understand what people say about miscarriage taking away your ability to ever blissfully enjoy pregnancy. I will live in fear until I see a heartbeat. Then I will live in fear until I am 12 weeks. Then I will live in fear until viability, then... you get the picture.

I am a positive person by nature, so I am actually holding it together quite well. I just always seem to have this little knot in my stomach that won't go away.

Right now I am trying to decide whether to ask my doctor for a second beta, or even schedule a dating ultrasound (I already have a requisition I can use which my OB gave me for just such circumstances). On one hand, I want to verify that everything is ok. On the other hand, if it's not, I kinda don't want to know! And in any case, there's nothing I can do if this is not a viable pregnancy except wait it out. I'm leaning towards doing nothing for the time being.

In other news, I tried going to yoga today and couldn't do anything involving abs. As soon as I flexed, I could feel a stabbing pain. Hmm, that doesn't seem normal.


  1. Oh hon, I'm so sorry that your prior mc is stealing your joy now. Just try and focus on the fact that this is a completely different situation. Different egg, different sperm, different baby. Shoot, even YOU are different this time, by your own admission you've undertaken a new Gluten Free Diet and have seen better cycles and improved digestive health since.

    I won't tell you to relax, but I will tell you that the facts that you DO have to work with at this point in time look encouraging. You've a legal background- if you had a case with these facts you'd tell you the same thing.

    Gather the information that you can and trust that the case will play out. Right?

  2. Hang in there hon. I get your worry.
    Twists in yoga are notoriously bad for pregnancy. I wouldn't worry about the pain too much, just avoid them for the time being.
    And I think that if a second beta gives you some peace of mind, you should go for it.

  3. I'm right there with you! 2 prior losses and I am knocked up...again...and terrified of a third loss. Like Andria said, different egg, different sperm, diffrent baby :-) Hopefully these little beans we've got will be good and sticky and we'll get out take home babies in due time. By the way, when are you due? My EDD is May 7