Cruelty

On Tuesday I finaly got a message from the ND about that hormone test I took. The receptionist left a message to this effect:

"Hi, it's Melissa from the ND's office. We received your hormone test results and the doctor would like to see you RIGHT AWAY. Well, actually, he's not available until Friday, and there is only one appointment at 3:30 so it might have to wait til next week if you can't make it then. So... um... I guess give me a call back and we'll set a time."

What. The. Bloody. Eff.

Thanks, Melissa. Thanks for leaving a vague and ominous message for which I will not be able to get an explanation until 3 days later. I will now spend the next 3 sleepless nights googling every possible hormone disorder known to humankind and diagnosing myself with each one. I will become completely dysfunctional at work and withdrawn from my friends and family. I will start regretting every decision I have made in life which delayed our TTC efforts and kicking myself for not realizing that my wacky cycles were a serious medical problem (to be fair, my doctor has always said it was not a problem). Then my self-loathing will take a different turn as I realize what an ungrateful self-absorbed asshole I am for thinking my problems are so horrible when they are relatively minor in the grand scheme of things.

Oh, Melissa. I hope for your sake that your shift ends before 3:30 tomorrow.

Gone to Alabama

One of my favourite euphemisms is the usage of "crimson tide" when referring to one's menstrual period. I take it one step further by just calling it "going to Alabama", home of the Crimson Tide. This combines my love of college athletics with my love of bleeding out my hoo-ha for 5 days =)

Anyway, I am finally going to Alabama today after a prolonged luteal phase of 15 days. The previous two cycles it was only 12. I have to admit I was really tempted to HPT test yesterday when it was already on day 14, even though I knew there was zero chance I was pregnant. What is wrong with me? Well, it's ok, because I didn't actually test despite my insane desires. And now I'm in Alabama and everything has gone as expected.

I only wonder why it took 15 days post-O to bleed. Was it something bad I did to stress myself out and delay, or is my LP getting longer because my body is finally producing the right amount of progesterone? Unknown at this time. I should be getting my hormone panel test results this week so might know more then. In the meantime, I'm just glad to finally be in Alabama.

I got a feelin'

That this cycle's gonna be a good cycle
That this cycle's gonna be a good good cycle
Yeahhhh, wooohoooooo

I just need it to start already. Come on, crimson tide! Flow!

No offense - really.

I'm almost afraid to post this because I don't want to sound like a total bitch, but this is meant to be more of a "wow, I can't believe I'm having these horrible thoughts" rather than an evil rant. I swear.

This is a shout out to certain bloggers out there whose pages I have scanned recently and not added to my reader. Please do not be offended (ha! as if anyone actually cares). You are all excellent, brilliant, caring individuals, but something about where you are in this IF process is too much for me to handle on a daily basis.

I'm talking specifically about bloggers who are currently undergoing IUI, IVF, FET, or have already tried so many acronyms that it's time to take a break. Your blogs scare me and make me lose the dwindling bit of hope I have that I am soooo special, and that things will resolve quickly for me. They may not. They probably will not... a year in and all I have to show for it is 2 dead babies. But right now I need to indulge irrational optimism, also known as "hope".

So I'm sorry I can't add you to my reader just yet. I already have some blogs on my reader list that fall into the same category but I've become attached to them and continue to read them as a sort of reality check on my optimism. As a mean teenage girl would say, "no offense, but" I hope I don't ever reach the point where your stories become the most relatable for me. BUT, if when that is my fate, I will come crawling on my hands and knees for you to accept me.

Lift-off confirmed

Woohoo! Ovulation has been confirmed for the third cycle in a row!

As previously mentioned, this cycle will not result in a baby as the sperm provider was on a business trip the last two weeks. However, this is very good news nonetheless. Firstly, it means that my body is working better than before. Secondly it gives me some indication as to what is not working as perfectly as it should, and some ideas as to what I might need to do fix it. Let me explain.

From charting the last several cycles, I have been able to confirm that I have a decent luteal phase of 12 days. Who knows if I had a normal LP before going gluten free, but I certainly do now. The abnormality lies in my follicular phase length, which is averaging about 34 days. Dr. Google suggests that a very long follicular phase may result in over mature eggs and a uterine lining that is too thick, creating a higher chance of miscarriage. I haven't been able to confirm this with a real medical professional yet (in fact, all of my doctors have stated that a long cycle is not a problem as long as you are ovulating.) Sooo... I dunno, it seems like it couldn't hurt to try and shorten the FP?

I don't think that Clomid is necessarily the best first choice right now, because I've seen a lot of charts of people who take Clomid and their cycle is still really long, or gets even longer than before. The only thing that I've been able to find that has consistently helped people to shorten the FP is false unicorn root (which, frankly, sounds really freaky and mystical), so I will ask my naturopath about this when we meet to discuss the results of my hormone panel test.

If anyone has had a similar problem with really long follicular phase, please share any wisdom you may have. Thanks and peace out.

Madness!

This is completely unrelated to IF, but I just have to vent. My city is in shambles. People are rioting for the past 3 hours since we lost a stupid fucking hockey game, and there is no end in sight. Cars are being set on fire and exploding, mobs are fighting on the streets, people are throwing stuff through store windows and throwing glass bottles from overpasses to the streets below. There are helicopters circling the downtown core, and they've called in riot police from all neighbouring municipalities.

I am so ashamed and disappointed. This beautiful city, in this amazing and prosperous country, has deteriorated into a scene from Baghdad circa 2006. It just goes to show that people have absolutely no appreciation for what they have and no desire to protect it. They sing the anthem at the game as if they give a shit about their freedom and the peace they are fotunate enough to enjoy thanks to the efforts of others, and then they behave in the most juvenile and ungrateful manner.

Save your riots for things that actually matter. Like democracy. Or human rights. Or the G20 Summit (sorry Toronto). Or doorcrasher sales at electronics stores.

And I know people all over the world who envy what we have will just jump at the opportunity to point out what a disgrace this is. And you know what? They're right. For shame. For shame!!!

Privacy Please

Yesterday, on a glorious sunny Saturday afteroon, I was enjoying a glass of wine on a patio along the ocean seawall. Three of my young, unmarried, lawyer friends were with me and we were having a great time gossiping about office happenings, movies, travel...

"This is awesome", I thought to myself. A safe environment where breeding is not the meaning of life and people remind me that life is full of all kinds of other validly wonderful things. And then one of them breaks the spell - "so, when are you guys having kids?"

I've fielded this question many, many times before, but for some reason never quite managed to craft a good response. Tonight I'm going out for dinner with some ladies I haven't seen in years, so I thought I should take the time to come up with something good to say when they inevitably ask that irritating question. Here is what I've come up with, the key ingredient being sarcasm. Please share your comebacks of choice in the comments.

So, when are you having kids?

1. I'm so glad you brought this up! My husband and I really want to include you in these decisions.
2. Don't worry, when I decide to have unprotected sex I'll be sure to post it on Facebook.
3. If asked by a member of husband's family: I'm waiting til I meet the right person.
4. I just don't know if I want to bring a child into such a world of inappropriate questions.

And my personal favourite...

1. As soon as they stop dying in my uterus!

Check-up

For my own records before I forget (and for anyone who might actually be interested), these are observations about how I feel three months into the GF diet:

Digestive

• Going #2 twice a day without needing to ingest copious amounts of fibre. As opposed to once every few days before.
• Able to digest multi-vitamins containing iron.
• Gas emissions have been lowered from constant to almost non-existent. I'm like an electric car. It's amazing I still have friends considering how farty I have been the last 25 years.

Reproductive

• Cycles have become shorter and more predictable, and all ovulatory so far. The one before GF was anovulatory.
• No more patches of EWCM that do not correspond to ovulation.

Other

• Clear skin except when consuming dairy (note to self - stop consuming dairy).
• Hands and feet not cold anymore.
• Fewer back spasms/pain.
• Consistent energy throughout the day.
• Require less sleep to feel rested.
• Fewer sugar cravings (though I still enjoy my chocolate on occasion).

Still Problematic

• Dry, itchy skin and scalp.
• Sperm has not met egg.

Losing Sleep

There will not be much sleeping tonight thanks to screaming crowds and honking car horns outside my building. As mentioned in a previous post, the city has gone hockey mad. Tonight the Canucks won 1-0 and are one game away from winning the Cup. I'm sure even those who have never been to Canada know by our reputation how much that means to people.

So I definitely will not be getting a restful slumber like I normally do before the weekend. That's OK. I'm pretty sure that even without the pandemonium outside I would be keeping myself up thinking about all kinds of other statistics, such as:

...Had a positive OPK today which is good...probably a 46 day cycle this time... means the GF diet is working or something is making me function consistently better. A period in 4 out of the last 5 months, beating last year's abysmal total of 3 periods... (3 periods? insert hockey pun here)...

...Ok, that's good. But that definitely means no conception this cycle as Hubbs is away until next weekend. That's ok. That's ok. If this is going to be a consistent cycle length, then he will be in town during the next opportunity. Shit, looking at the calendar, that will be almost exactly one year since the first time we conceived in 2010. I guess that's supposed to make me upset? It really doesn't. I've gotten knocked up twice in that one year so the stats are not all negative...

On a totally different note, I should have the saliva hormone test results within a few weeks and can maybe get some treatment to speed things up even more? Hmm... in any event, will not get full mat leave unless the due date is more than a year from now (btw, how fucking ridiculous is that? I have been with this firm since September 2010, but because they only hired me to "officially" start a permanent position on June 14 (i.e. next week), I will not be eligible for full mat leave benefits until I've worked past June 14, 2012). Bastards. I don't care, I will take a pay cut, hell I'll PAY to have a baby before then...

And so the mind keeps running and running, and I can't get to sleep. So I log back into FertilityFriend and obsess over these:

There is more to life than this

It's natural to get fixated on troubles in your life. If you don't concentrate on your problems, you'll have a tough time solving them. But there comes a point where being driven and focussed turns into tunnel vision, blocking out all the wonderful things that are concurrently taking place around you.

If you catch yourself falling into this trap, or if someone is kind enough to point out your total lack of perspective, you gotta snap out of it. For me, this happened today as I packed up my stuff on the way home from work. I turned past office window and caught a glimpse of sailboats on the Burrard inlet. The sun still beaming bright despite it being 7pm. In the foreground, the Olympic torch was lit in support of the Canucks playing game 3 of the Stanley Cup Finals.

I walked home in my comfy Birkenstock sandals, past crowds of jersey-clad fans watching the game on jumbo screen TV's set up along the downtown streets. The atmosphere is electric. What a fucking epic day. I haven't forgotten my problems completely, but they have taken a back seat for a while and it feels nice.

* The Canucks promptly got slaughtered 8-1. Also, the forecast calls for rain tomorrow. Oh well, you can't have everything!

Gluten free, cycle three - it rhymes!

On the last episode of TCC Gluten Free (that rhymes too!) I had just experienced my first "normal" length cycle of 44 days. It remained to be seen whether this was merely a fluke, or the beginning of a trend of improvement. I am happy to report that cycle two after going off the glutes was also a relatively decent length of 46 days, and it was probably delayed a bit by the stress of travelling for 3 weeks.

I am currently on CD 29 of GF (gluten free) cycle number 3 and my CM indicates that it should again be in the range of 45 days or so (I hope).

The only downside to all of this is that last cycle we had a BFN (I blame the travelling and being sick for a week after ovulation). Also, this cycle hubbs is out of town for what looks to be the prime baby making time, so that's 2 quality cycles down the drain. I am hoping this summer will be more productive.

In other news, I am taking this hormone panel test through my ND which requires that I collect 11 saliva samples throughout the length of my cycle. Here is a website that summarizes the test: http://www.acupuncturehealth.net/s_female.php

Basically, the samples get sent off to the lab where they will determine what hormone deficiency or overproduction is causing the irregular cycles. I am not sure if my ND will be able to do anything with this information because I have always been this way and I feel like my body is just innately messed up, but for $300 I'm willing to give it a try. In the meantime, I am collecting these little tubes of saliva every few days. Very attractive to be spitting into a receptacle for an hour (yes, it takes that long to collect). Has anyone out there done this test? Did it lead to anything useful?

Hello? Anybody out there?

I don't know if anybody still reads this thing, what whatever. If you do, rest assured that even though I haven't posted in ages I have been actively following YOU.

The lack of posts can be explained by a fun mix of reasons:

1. I went on a 3 week epic vacation to NYC and Israel and had no interest in thinking about this stuff;
2. I am a lazy bastard;
3. because I have been following others in the meantime, I have seen many of you have great baby success and felt somewhat discouraged.

Over time I recovered from the initial sting of seeing other people's ultrasounds. I took my time to deal and now I am ready to resurface. I am now able to see that other people's successes are actually a good thing - if others are finally experiencing success after a seemingly impossible journey, then so can I.

I am also realizing based on others' experiences that it usually is just a matter of time. My problem right now is not necessarily that I can't have children, it's that I can't have them RIGHT THIS MINUTE!! Well, honestly, that's a first world problem and I need to get past the stupid impatience. A fitting quote I recently came across: