Pro-very Sick

When I decided to finish my course of Provera last week and take the weekend to recuperate, I may have jinxed myself.

Friday night I took the last pill as planned around dinner time. I was looking forward to the subsidence of bloating and insomnia, but really, I should know better by now! By Saturday afternoon I was feeling progressively nauseous, and didn't eat anything the entire day (this is completely unheard of - I am a pig). By 6 o'clock I was lying prostrate on the sofa, unable to move, shivering in cold sweats. I stumbled to the bedroom and fell asleep in my clothes by 8.

I awoke at 5am the next morning and instinctively checked my temperature - 38 degrees celcius!! Shit, that's a serious fever. I rummaged through the medicine cabinet and found some expired Advil (best before, o.k. after? right?).

The lack of non-expired over-the-counter pain killers is a testament to how rarely I use any type of conventional medication. And let me tell you, this Provera experiment has confirmed my hypothesis that drugs are not to be trusted!

So I started thinking about why I'm doing this to myself - my body - the most important asset I have. Basically I took this drug to speed things up a little bit. To shorten this cycle which was already 50 days when I started the pills. So really, I've done this to myself for the sake of a few days... why? I'm 26. Time is the one thing I've got in this process, but I couldn't appreciate that. I got greedy, and now I'm paying for it. I will not make this mistake again.

Sleepless in bloat-land

It seems I jinxed myself with my previous post about the glory of Provera. That post was written around day 4 of taking it. We are now on day 8 and feeling rather uhappy. I've been gradualy filling up with retained fluids over the past week to the point where I can now poke myself in the belly and the dent stays there for a while like in a marshmallow.

Things came to a head last night when I couldn't get to sleep for a long time despite being tired, and then when I finally did fall "asleep" it was more like I entered a quasi-conscious state that interrupted every 20 minutes.

Of course this morning the first thing I did was google Provera side-effects to discover that insomnia is quite common (I already knew about the bloating).

I have 3 pills left, and I considered just stopping now, since 7 days should work anyway. But this week is a write-off at this point, so I might as well suck it up for 3 days until Friday and then take the weekend to recuperate.

I'm now wondering though why the doctor didn't even mention the option of using a natural progesterone which would not have these stupid side-effects... Distrust of conventional medicine continues to grow...

A different sort of week

Since I started taking the provera pills on Wednesday to induce a period, things have been different. For the first time in 6 months my purpose was not to get/stay pregnant, but to just live. Baby making has been taken out of the equation, and I have to admit, I didn't realize how much I needed that "break" until I got it.

I have been reading a lot of infertility blogs where people have decided to take a break from TTC, and until now I didn't understand it at all. The thoughts that ran through my mind were "What do you mean you're taking a "break"? How is that going to get you closer to your goal? I don't believe you're actually enjoying not trying."

Well...I get it now. For the first time in a long time, I am thinking clearly about my career and hobbies. I'm exercising without worrying about messing up my hormones. I'm making vacation plans that don't begin with the caveat "Although I might be unable to travel at that point". There have also been moments of realizing just how crazy I've gotten recently. For example: I haven't re-started my laptop in months because I didn't want to close the FertilityFriend page in my browser. Not because I couldn't re-open it, obviously, but because I had some kind of addiction to it. That is pretty fucking nuts.

So the next couple of weeks are going to be TTC and insanity free. Coincidentally, the hubbs is away on a work trip for 2 weeks (something which would previously caused major upset due to loss of TTC time). But the timing couldn't be better. It'll just be me, myself, and I for 2 weeks of glorious rejuvenation. Ohhmmm... Namaste.

I crave [medical] attention

Yesterday was my first specialist appointment at a Gyno office. I was very much looking forward to getting some answers, or at least a plan. The day went totally off the rails, but everything worked out... I think.

My plan was to leave work for my appointment at noon, get physically prodded for an hour, then take the rest of the day off - work has not been very busy of late. Well at around 11 o'clock things exploded. Every single file that I've been working on just went into emergency mode. I had to do two research memos due the next morning, plus help on a deal closing. I made it to the doctor's appointment, but then had to go back to work until 1am. Then this morning I had to come in early to proof-read the poo I had spewed onto paper the night before.

Aside from my spoiled semi-day off, the appointment went as I had hoped/imagined. The only thing that kind of threw me off was that I was attended to by a senior resident (med student) person, and only got to see the doctor at the end when we went over the plan and the medication.

She asked me all the basic questions about my medical history and TTC efforts. Then she said they don't do recurrent miscarriage testing until the 3rd loss (blah blah blah, I know the stupid policy). We agreed that the biggest issue was my ridiculously long cycles, and that we should try to fix that. If that doesn't do the trick, then we'll move on to Clomid etc. We'll also look into possible PCOS.

So I got a prescription for Provera and started taking it last night to end this now 52 day cycle sans ovulation. Woot! I also will have an ultrasound and bloodwork scheduled for all the PCOS tests.

Overall, I would say we are making progress. I feel much more positive now that I have a friggin PLAN.

How do I not have an eating disorder?

On Sunday night I was over at the parental units' house for tea. It was just the three of us having a grand ol' time. I was conscious at the time of how nice it was to just be shootin' the shit with them, as opposed to the usual arguments/negativity I experienced while growing up. I think they are finally beginning to relax and enjoy life now that the kids are out of the house.

So at one point I was walking through the kitchen while father was doing dishes and he looked at my pants (brand new super skinny dark jeans I got on e-bay for a fraction of the store price). I know he's a fan of dark wash, and anything skin-tight (he was at his prime in the 70's... think Saturday Night Fever).

Exhibit "A":

The following conversation took place:

Me: "oh, you like these new jeans?"

Father: "Yeah... You've put on some weight, haven't you?"

Jezuz effing chrrrrist.

Me: "Yes." [walks away in fiery rage]

What Me really should have said: Yes, I have put on some weight in the past several months, 4 pounds to be precise. The weight is attributable to two pregnancies which ended in miscarriage. You would not know anything about that because you are a dick in every sense of the word. You do not know any of these facts because I do not tell you, as I am aware of your judgmental nature, and realize it is better to take an uniformed insult once in a while than have you know my business. I should point out, however, that I was actually underweight before, and am now at an ideal BMI for my height. You, however, have a beer gut and will likely die prematurely due to heart failure, or worse, have a stroke which incapacitates you, requiring your family members to care for you like a child. So when I'm spoon-feeding you in your wheelchair, don't be surprised if a little cyanide gets into your applesauce.

Fortune smiles upon me

Whenever I start to think that I have the worst luck in the world, something amazing happens. Today, as I was agonizing over another negative OPK on CD 48, I came across this little game on Facebook. So I gave it a shot, and BOY did I luck out. Do I not have the best album EVER??

1 - Go to Wikipedia and hit random. The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.
2 - Go to quotationspage.com and hit random. The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.
3 - Go to Flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”. Third picture, no matter wh...at it is, will be your album cover.
4 - Use photoshop or similar (picnik.com is a free online photo editor) to put it all together.
5 - Post it with this text in the "caption" and tag the friends you want to join in, as well as the person who sent this to you

Shallow thoughts of the week

I realized that my earlier post about Posh and Becks having their 4th was a rather shallow comment. However, since it is unlikely that I will stop having such shallow thoughts, and since I really have no intention of censoring myself, I thought why not embrace the shallowness?

And so, I present to you this weekly segment (which could easily be daily), titled "Shallow Thoughts of the Week".

This week saw some high traffic of shallow thoughts running through my mind. Here are some of the highlights:

•  I want to be pregnant again so that my acne will go away (as it had the previous two times).
• We were out for dinner the other night and beside us were 2 tables of people for someone's birthday party. It looked like a lot of them were family and a few friends. All of them were either horribly ugly, obese, or both. Cue shallow thought of "why do these ugly sub-humans get to spawn like vermin and I do not?" 

Time Warp

My watch broke today, so when I thought it was 2 it was already 3. It was like I got to jump through time into the future. I really wish I had that ability today.

A few days ago I had what appeared to be a positive OPK. Several days of temping later, the pattern is still unclear. Today I had the highest temp ever, so it's possible, but not certain whether I ovulated (I'm on CD 45 by the way). Only time will tell, and so I must wait.

My first OB appointment to deal with all this crap is next Wednesday. I don't know what, if anything, will happen as a result. I may be told to just go home and keep boning my stud, or I may be bombarded with a million tests and treatments. Only time will tell.

I considered distracting myself from the arduous waiting by focusing on my career. The only issue is that I am working super hard but there is no guarantee that the firm will keep me on after March. It all depends on the economy and whether we get enough major deals in the next couple months to justify more people working. Only time will tell.

Yes, I'm whining about having to wait a few days/months. I know people have had to wait for longer, sometimes forever. No, I will not just relax and enjoy living in the moment. The moment is fine, but it's not where I ultimately want to be. If I were that kind of person I would have settled for a lot less a long time ago. Now excuse me as I have some watch shopping to do.

Se.ri.ous.ly?

Victoria Beckham: Pregnant with fourth child

http://www.newsmediaimages.com/celebrity-article-19546-victoria-beckham-pregnant-with-child-number-four/

Why do some people get to have it all...

Houston, we possibly, potentially, maybe have progress

Ok so here's the deal. My cycles have been totally unpredictable my entire life. Anywhere between 2 months (shortest) and 6 months (longest). The 6 month thing has only happened twice: once after I came off the BCP's, and the second time was last year when I was training for a triathlon and probably killed my cycles with extreme exercise. Anyway, this makes ovulation pretty much impossible to predict. 

HOWEVER, the two times I got knocked up, I can calculate based on the HPT's that I ovulated somewhere between CD35 and CD45. Anyway, this cycle I was already past CD 35 and no temperature shift on my chart. So at CD36, I decided to start using OPK's as an additional obsession indicator of ovulation. 

Aaaanyway, the first few days I was getting a second line but it was not nearly as dark as the control line. Day by day, the test line kept getting darker, until yesterday when it appeared to be almost the same darkness as the control line. Then today, back to super light again. 

So, I'm going to interpret this as Humpty Dumpty coming out of his coma and possibly making his way down the tubes. I have my fingers crossed that my temps will shoot up in the next couple of days to confirm this. Oh pleaaaase gawdddd let this be true. The hubby is going to be away for work for pretty much all of February-April, so this is our last chance for a while. Also, it would justify the $65 I dropped on OPK's... Come on ovum!!!

My "Calling"

Today is supposed to be a big day. I am officially "called" to the bar, meaning I am licensed to practice law independently. This morning I swore an oath to do only good things, and not to promote frivolous law suits etc. etc. A hoard of people from around the firm came to watch (and to enjoy the free breakfast). Everyone was shaking my hand and telling me that I had finally "made it". Soon I will have my notarial seal and stamp and will go nuts notarizing every scrap piece of paper in sight!

I am pretty stoked about this. 7 years of post-secondary education and 1.5 years of being everyone's bitch at work better amount to something.

This is definitely a milestone in my professional life, and until recently I would have said that I have finally found my "calling". (Note the clever play on words there). And yet, I can't help feeling a little bittersweet as this great success is mired by fertility failure. It's great to be called to the bar, but it sure would be nice to be called a mom.

The thing is... I'm wondering if I am so focussed on this new "calling" because it is truly what I want most, or because I just like having some seemingly unattainable goal to work towards. I wouldn't put it past me to be messing with myself like this. In any case, it doesn't really matter whether this new obsession of mine is a natural development or a form of self-sabotage. It's here. It's all-consuming. And I hope it's all gonna work out.

Dear Egg, please come down now

Here we are, cycle day 37 (!!!) and still no sign of ovulation.

If only there was some way I could coax dear humpty dumpty down through my tubes... Actually, thanks to the interweb I know there is a way - it's called Clomid. My OB appointment is not until the 19th though, so that will have to wait. In the meantime, I have dropped $65 on OPK's.

What a great cartoon. I can use it as an egg joke, but with a hint of insurance law too! [Nerdy lawyer laugh].

Back to work. hi ho.

I just finished reading a hilarious book by George Carlin, where I found this bit of wisdom: "I'm not a person who thinks he can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share."
 

First day back at work after a glorious winter holiday (i.e. 3 days off). Here's a weird thing I've noticed about the work/holiday dynamic for me. When I'm on holiday, I do absolutely nothing. I have no interest in going anywhere or doing anything, I just want to mope around the apartment and surf the web while watching TV. I often tell myself that I will do some household chore or errand when I get a day off, but when that day comes I inevitably ignore these tasks.

This may lead you to believe that I am some kind of lazy procrastinator, but that is hardly the case. To contrast what I have just told you about holidays, the exact opposite happens when I'm in work mode. I make long lists of things to do and I get 'er done! Productivity is greatest when time is scarce and the pressure is on.

So overall, I would describe myself as having an excellent work ethic. I have found that I can accomplish pretty much anything if I create a plan and work hard to make it happen.... That was until recently. Possibly the most frustrating thing about my recent fertili-fail is that I DID make a plan and I DID work hard to make it happen, but that wasn't enough. Getting my body into great shape, eating well, taking all the right supplements... it just wasn't enough.

So one possibility is that I've done all I can and I have to accept defeat. That is what all evidence points to at the moment for me. That is the dominant voice at the moment (because somehow negativity always seems to overpower positivity).

But another part of me thinks it's too early to throw in the towel, especially having read other people's stories and blogs. People who have gone through it before me. You read the first few entries and it's all despair and fear and hopelessness. But then if you give it some time you see that there is still so much that can be done.

We all think it's the end of the world when we're in the moment. It's hard to keep things in perspective, but I must. I just need to keep plugging away at it and working harder - doing more research, charting, getting to know my body even better - and eventually it will work out. I have no reason to believe that this will happen, but I also have no reason to believe it won't.

I am a cunning linguist

So I'm fairly new to this baby making thing. Not even 6 months, and only 2 months of really researching stuff. I have been slowly familiarizing myself with the "lingo". The vocabulary, acronyms, euphemisms, etc. I am finding, however, that many of the terms are not precise enough for my liking or are totally inaccurate. Here are some examples.

TTC - "trying to conceive". I seem to have no problems conceiving, the problem is carrying to term. I officially re-dub this TTCTT or "trying to carry to term".

2WW - "two week wait". My cycles are anywhere between 2-6 months. Soooo, does that make it the SWTFAHMW (six weeks to five and a half months) wait? Not sure exactly how it would work for me. All I can tell you is that it is WAY WORSE than just a 2WW. I wish that I had a 2WW. Let's just call it the WTFLW (way too fucking long wait).

DH - "dear husband". Sorry, but "dear" is something I would use to describe my granny, not my husband. Here are some acronyms I think are more appropriate in my case (which may enlighten you about what sort of relationship we have):  LM "loyal manservant", SM "stud muffin", or my IS "Italian stallion".

TMI - "too much information". No! There is no such thing as too much information!!! Ever!! All any of us are looking for is just some information. We just want to know - what is wrong? how can I fix it? do other people feel this way too? can anyone out there help me? There is never enough information as far as I'm concerned, so please, for the love of fetuses, share away!!

Top 5 Reasons I Love Ikea

Warning, sarcasm ahead.

My friend needed to go to Ikea for some spare parts yesterday, so hubbs and I decided to come along because we had a gift card from a million years ago that was calling to be used. Here are some random thoughts that came to me while strolling down the Swedish path.

One: I would love to be the Ikea employee who gets to come up with product names. Just a few gems from yesterday's visit: ANSLUTTA, GRONO, BALLSTAD. Don't call me Anslutta, or I'll kick you in the Grono and bust your Ballstads.

Two: Why is every woman in the place 8 months pregnant? Furthermore, why must they announce the spots opening up in the kids play area all day long over the PA. That must mean that all the preggos also have toddlers, which makes them fertile myrtles. Fuckers.

Three: Some say that they make you take a path through the entire store so that you'll be forced to look at all the products until you are eventually tempted to buy something. I say it is so that you come out the other end so hungry that you're willing to stand in line for another 40 minutes to get a 50 cent hot dog.

Four: Ok, I will give them this one thing: the showroom furniture looks sterile even after being touched by 500,000 people. Hmm, I should probably avoid products that are sterile...

Five: I am so exhausted from the Ikea outing that I can't come up with a 5th thing for this list. You win this round, Ikea... but I'll be back! (I will definitely be back, since two of the things I bought turned out to be defective).

Eleven in 2011

Imitation is the highest form of flattery. I have been inspired to copy one of my favourite blogger's posts and list my 11 goals for 2011:

1. Blog blog blog. I realize that this is the best outlet for my stress/anxiety/stupid ideas because I get to say whatever I want without any real life consequences. I must continue to do this regularly so as to meet goal #11.
2. Photography! I am taking a beginnners black and white photography class in January and after that I hope to do the digital class to learn how to make photos even prettier. I have been interested in photography since high school, but I didn't have room for it in my timetable back then (chose to take useless academic courses). I believe I have a keen eye for good photos, just lack the technical skills. I hope to get really good at it so I can post cool artsy/family photos on this blog (especially if I am able to accomplish goal #11).
3. Namaste. Yoga is key to my physical health (i.e. back pain, poor circulation, inflexibility, toxin buildup), but also to my mental health, both of which are important for goal #11 below. Yoga will help me achieve all of my goals because it reminds me to "set an intention" for the moment, the day, and for my life. My goal is to attend at least once a week, but preferrably twice.

4. Lose the 5 pounds I gained last year after the first pregnancy. I hope that I am unable to meet this goal because I will be successfully carrying a kitten to term as per goal #11.
5. Stress less, you silly mess. This will be key to achieving goal #11. I recently saw a TV doctor say something clever (amazing!) - difficult situations happen to everyone, whether they are stressful is a choice we make in responding to them. I have made the first step in fighting stress - admitting that I have a problem. The next steps will be to choose not to let difficult situations stress me out by doing all the other things on this list.
6. Get hired back at the BigFirm after my probationary period expires in March. This would be really helpful in paying for any kittens I am able to produce as per goal #11.
7. Shop less, read more! Last year's pathetic goal of reading 4 non-law books is at risk of being missed. I am currently at 3.5 as of December 31. Next year I vow to read 5. Reading more will hopefully result in less time for useless expenditures of money.
8. Shop less, save more! I would like to save more than I spend this year. Considering I pay the mortgage and strata fees, this may prove to be a challenge. However, on a lawyer's salary I think it could be done. This is what 7 years of post-secondary education was for, after all.
9. TCOMF - that is, Take Charge of My Fertility. I recently started charting and taking a billion different supplements. My goal this year is to, at the very least, figure out what the fuck is wrong down there and how I can fix it. If I can't get to #11 this year, I hope to at least do this.
10. Spend more time with my grandparents. I used to see them at least on a weekly basis. I think the plan this year will be to visit every Saturday morning. This way they always know I will visit and can stop calling me at the most inopportune times.
11. Get knocked the fuck up and stay that way for 9 solid months.

Wow, that was easy! I hope achieving these goals will be as easy as coming up with them.