Friday, January 7, 2011

My "Calling"

Today is supposed to be a big day. I am officially "called" to the bar, meaning I am licensed to practice law independently. This morning I swore an oath to do only good things, and not to promote frivolous law suits etc. etc. A hoard of people from around the firm came to watch (and to enjoy the free breakfast). Everyone was shaking my hand and telling me that I had finally "made it". Soon I will have my notarial seal and stamp and will go nuts notarizing every scrap piece of paper in sight!

I am pretty stoked about this. 7 years of post-secondary education and 1.5 years of being everyone's bitch at work better amount to something.

This is definitely a milestone in my professional life, and until recently I would have said that I have finally found my "calling". (Note the clever play on words there). And yet, I can't help feeling a little bittersweet as this great success is mired by fertility failure. It's great to be called to the bar, but it sure would be nice to be called a mom.

The thing is... I'm wondering if I am so focussed on this new "calling" because it is truly what I want most, or because I just like having some seemingly unattainable goal to work towards. I wouldn't put it past me to be messing with myself like this. In any case, it doesn't really matter whether this new obsession of mine is a natural development or a form of self-sabotage. It's here. It's all-consuming. And I hope it's all gonna work out.

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