Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Back to work. hi ho.

I just finished reading a hilarious book by George Carlin, where I found this bit of wisdom: "I'm not a person who thinks he can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share."
First day back at work after a glorious winter holiday (i.e. 3 days off). Here's a weird thing I've noticed about the work/holiday dynamic for me. When I'm on holiday, I do absolutely nothing. I have no interest in going anywhere or doing anything, I just want to mope around the apartment and surf the web while watching TV. I often tell myself that I will do some household chore or errand when I get a day off, but when that day comes I inevitably ignore these tasks.

This may lead you to believe that I am some kind of lazy procrastinator, but that is hardly the case. To contrast what I have just told you about holidays, the exact opposite happens when I'm in work mode. I make long lists of things to do and I get 'er done! Productivity is greatest when time is scarce and the pressure is on.

So overall, I would describe myself as having an excellent work ethic. I have found that I can accomplish pretty much anything if I create a plan and work hard to make it happen.... That was until recently. Possibly the most frustrating thing about my recent fertili-fail is that I DID make a plan and I DID work hard to make it happen, but that wasn't enough. Getting my body into great shape, eating well, taking all the right supplements... it just wasn't enough.

So one possibility is that I've done all I can and I have to accept defeat. That is what all evidence points to at the moment for me. That is the dominant voice at the moment (because somehow negativity always seems to overpower positivity).

But another part of me thinks it's too early to throw in the towel, especially having read other people's stories and blogs. People who have gone through it before me. You read the first few entries and it's all despair and fear and hopelessness. But then if you give it some time you see that there is still so much that can be done.

We all think it's the end of the world when we're in the moment. It's hard to keep things in perspective, but I must. I just need to keep plugging away at it and working harder - doing more research, charting, getting to know my body even better - and eventually it will work out. I have no reason to believe that this will happen, but I also have no reason to believe it won't.

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