Birth story, part deux

At this point, the last bits of the morphine were wearing off and I was starting to feel some intense pain. I tried sitting on a birthing ball but it did not make things better and was just making me tired from balancing. The only thing that helped with the contractions was the laughing gas. Oh, how I love the laughing gas! It did not take the pain away, but it made me high enough to not care as much. I stayed on the laughing gas for too long though, because after a while it was making me so drowsy that I was basically asleep between each contraction and all I was consciously experiencing was the pain.

This is where things got rough. First, they broke my water because somehow after a full day of contractions it was still intact. The contractions got even more intense after that, and I was using the gas less and less so there was even less pain relief.

When the midwife checked me I was allllllmost fully dilated so the midwife did this trick where she goes in and pushes the remaining bit of cervix past the baby's head. She did it in just a few seconds and it did not hurt at all = mad skills.

I hadn't peed in a really long time and the midwife suggested a catheter to empty my bladder to make more room for the baby to exit. I knew it would be uncomfortable but I had no idea how insanely painful it would be when coupled with the pain of transition. Holy crap, that was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life and I was crying hysterically. Fortunately, as soon as they took out the catheter I felt so much better.

At that point I started feeling the urge to push so we tried a few pushes. They kept telling me to wait until the next contraction to push, but by this time I was 30 hours into this ordeal and I just wanted the baby OUT so I totally cheated and pushed almost non-stop. The dreaded "ring of fire" was felt, but it was not as painful for me as the previous days of labour pains. It only took 40 minutes or so of pushing for her to come out screaming.

They put her right on my chest and she calmed down while they patched me up. I did tear but not where you'd expect. My perineum was totally fine, but I needed one stitch on each side of the vajayjay. It has now completely healed and you would never guess this baby's head came through that hole.

After dad cut the cord, they quickly cleaned her up and returned to me for her first feed. She found the food source right away and has been an eating champ ever since. I had some pain from her latching on at the wrong angle (nipple not high/far enough into her mouth), but we've been able to fix that problem by shoving my boob aggressively into her face, mwahahaha.

Since baby was perfect and I was doing well and did not have to thaw from an epidural, they let us go home that night. It was definitely nice to sleep in our own bed, especially since I hadn't actually slept the two previous nights. But in retrospect, we should have stayed the night just to get more breastfeeding support for the first few times. I think it would have made it a lot easier and less painful afterwards.

So that's how it happened. I know I am now seeing things through rose coloured glasses, but I feel like my labour was a very positive experience considering everything. All I really wanted was to have a vaginal birth with minimal tearing, and I got that, plus it was almost entirely drug-free except for the morphine shot in early labour. I am so thankful to have had such a great birth experience after a very difficult road to a viable pregnancy.

Without further ado, the birth story

It has been a whole month since the little kitten was born and I am finally starting to get some free time here and there. The first month was pretty tough feeding-wise and I've essentially been a dairy cow 24/7. But now I better write this down before I forget everything.

First, here are some quick stats:

• K was born at 11:55am on November 11, 2012. 
• We took her home at 6:30pm that day (yes, that WAS crazy!)
• She weighed 3.025 Kg (6 lbs 10 oz) and was 47 cm long.
• Labour lasted a total of 33 hours from when I woke up with real contractions. The early labour lasted about 24 hours until the contractions became regular and I was admitted to the hospital. 
• It hurt like hell
• I would do it all over again

Now, the long story:

On Friday, November 9th I was feeling pretty good. I drove hubbs to a hockey game at around 7pm and on the way home was feeling some very mild contractions, which was no different from the weeks before. I went to bed as usual.

At 2am (Saturday) I woke up with stronger contractions but they were very far apart so I tried to watch some TV and go back to sleep. The contractions started getting more painful and I could not go back to sleep, but they were very sporadic so I waited til 5am to wake up hubbs (mainly to tell him to get his work done for the day so he would be free in case this was the real thing). At around 9am I called the midwife to give her a heads up that I was feeling what appeared to be real labour.

[At this point, I was 38w4d pregnant so it was not too surprising, but honestly I wish I had more time to myself to get things done. I only had one week off work and was hoping for a few more days to just bum around the house and collect my strength - strength which I would desperately need to deliver the babe.]

The midwife told me that my contractions were too far apart (7-12 mins apart) to be active labour, but I should call back that night to figure out what to do next. By about 8pm, the contractions were still getting more painful but not very close together. The midwife came over and advised that I was not close to having the baby and I should get some sleep. There was no way I could sleep through the contractions, so we went to the hospital to get a morphine shot.

At the hospital, they made me do an NST before giving the morphine, but there was something wrong with the machine readout so it was almost midnight before I got the shot. Almost 24 hours into it and I was still only 2cm dilated and we got punted back home for the night. By this point I was pretty exhausted and in a lot of pain without any prospect of it ending, so I was happy to get the drugs. Unfortunately, the shot only gave me 3 hours of reprieve and I was up again at 3am.

By 5am I noticed that I was not feeling any fetal movement and I got a bit concerned so I called the midwife. She said it's probably the morphine in my system that's making the baby sleep for so long, but we should get it checked out so off to the hospital we went again. We got there at around 6am and got the baby checked out. There was also talk of possible petocin if I had not progressed and I was starting to get really discouraged. But as it turned out, baby was fine AND I was 7cm dilated! The midwife figured that the morphine had allowed me to relax enough to get things going. Off we went to the delivery room.

To be continued...

Hey Babe

She's here! Actually, she got here almost a week ago - Sunday, November 11, 2012.  Un-freaking-believable.

6 lbs, 10 oz of pure perfection. We are adjusting to the new lady in charge, but managing fairly well.

I will try to get around to posting about the birth... in the meantime, let me just say that next time I am saying YES to drugs.

Unplugged

Almost 38 weeks. I know she'll be here before we know it, but at the same time I have no patience left. Let's do this already!

I lost my mucous plug last weekend after taking a bath, and had the whole "bloody show" which lasted a couple of days... but I feel no contractions other than some sporradic Braxton Hicks. The midwife said baby was "engaged" but didn't check my situation down there even though I told her I was now unplugged. I was miffed by this, until someone explained that they try not to do internal checks until the last possible moment because of the risk of infection. Hmm, ok.

Looking back on the last 9 months, I must say this has been a spectacularly easy pregnancy, especially considering how spectacularly difficult it was to get that far.

Things I thought I could not avoid, but have managed to avoid:

1) Heartburn
2) Crazy weight gain and feeling like a whale. I am thankful for my good genes in this regard
3) Being uncontrollably emotional (I have managed to control my emotions to the extent that I can wait to have my manic depressive episodes in private).

Things I thought I could avoid, but have failed:

1) Hemorrhoids. Yup. They do not hurt, but I do not like them one bit.
2) Cankles. Huge, pudgy, permanent cankles.
3) Belly hair. I am generally a hairless person so didn't expect the thick layer of fuzz, but it's kinda cute and it keeps me warm.

Positivity Bubble

That's it. I'm creating a positivity bubble and I'm going to live in it for the next few years, at least. Probably longer. What is up with people whining and only saying negative things about having/raising babies. For example:

"Get lots of sleep now because you'll never sleep again"

"Enjoy time with your husband before the baby gets here, because afterwards you'll be too tired and busy"

"Take the epidural. Trust me."

I really wish I had a clever one-liner that I could respond with. 

Thanks for pointing out that my life is going to be different after the baby is born, and that I will have to make sacrifices, and that there might be some pain involved. I really appreciate all the advice, but just so you know, I have already suffered and sacrificed and changed my life just to get pregnant. If all you get from your kids is pain and inconvenience, then you were obviously not in the same place I was before having them. 

I swear I only hear one positive or encouraging thing for every twenty annoying negative remarks. I think people in our society have been conditioned to take this negative perspective because for some reason it is better to be independent and free versus responsible for/dependent on another person. It is better to never feel pain, even if it has a purpose that brings great joy. Ultimately, being free of responsibility and pain is impossible, so you end up thinking your life sucks. I refuse to set myself up for that.

Hello, world

I have fallen off the face of the blogosphere for the past... 4 months or so. There have been many times I have thought to myself "I should really blog soon", but I just haven't mustered the strength. And nobody is on my case about it which is pretty nice for a change.

The past 4 months have been so crazy in the moment, and yet so uneventful in the long run. After all the paranoia and worry and "trying not to get my hopes up", we are in the viability zone. We are here and doing perfectly well, me and the burrito.  Turns out the burrito has a pink taco (i.e. it's a girl). That is a terrible joke, but we have been having so much fun with the Mexican food themed baby talk lately that I can't control myself.

I have no major physical complaints other than a bit of back pain, which tends to go away if I am somewhat active. I have not been as active as I would like due to tiredness and work, but I'm in ok shape. Have gained about 12 pounds so far, which is totally acceptable.

I have more things to say, but am still too lazy to lay it all out here. More to follow.

From one infertile to another

Hubbs told his brother and SIL about our incubating burrito. We knew this was going to be an awkward conversation because they are unable to conceive (like, 100% not going to happen). I was not looking forward to it because I didn't want to hurt the SIL and I knew that it was going to hurt. A lot. What happened, though, was a bit unexpected.

I thought they would give us a quick congratulations, fake smile and a hug and we would leave them feeling really guilty because we could tell they were hiding their pain. It was not so. Instead, they started by asking whether it was "natural" and when we told them we used clomid they said "you know there's a high risk of twins with that" as if (a) we didn't already know that, and (b) we would be upset about having twins. Basically they made us feel like we had committed some crime by using medication.

Then, SIL announced that there is no way she is coming to my baby shower. Un-freaking-believable! First of all, who said I would have a baby shower and that she would be invited? Ok, I would probably end up having one, and yeah, I'd probably invite her, but why are we bringing this up now? In my opinion, that is a very selfish thing to say/do. A week after my third miscarriage, I went to a baby shower. It was not the best time of my life by any means. It was hard. I cried as soon as I was out of there. But I went. Because we all have to learn to be happy for other people in spite of our own pain. I guess my SIL does not have that strength. Maybe it's different for her because she has absolutely zero hope (though trust me, I felt zero hope too at that time in my journey). But saying something so self-centred in that moment made me realize that I don't need to waste my time feeling guilty about hurting her feelings. She clearly has little concern for mine.

Twelve/Thirteen

I didn't post last week because there was nothing major to report and I figured I would wait until the OB appointment this week since she would probably do a scan. It turns out there was nothing to wait for as the OB did not scan. Booooo urns

I must say I'm pretty disappointed I didn't get to see the burrito. I am not eligible for an NT scan, so the next time I get to see anything on screen is at 19 weeks. Apparently at this point they just stick with the doppler, but I already have that at home. I wanted some extra reassurance before I go spreading the news to people. I don't think it's unreasonably for someone with my history to be hesitant even at this point. Well I guess I will just have to take her word that everything is fine.

The next little while is going to be awkward. I have gotten quite accustomed to keeping pregnancy a secret, and I am not looking forward to telling people. Part of that dread is that every time I talk about it I think about all the shitty things that led up to this point and I fear that it will end badly again. The people I'm going to be telling, for the most part, will not be aware of any of that. I wish everyone could understand that it was not an easy road and that we are still not sure of anything, but instead most people will just think it's all 100% great. I have to sort this out this mess in my head before I start talking to people.

The worst part will be telling people at work. I am one female amongst 7 men, and things are tense as it is. I guess the upside is I will hopefully have a full year's break from it.

Eleven

Thanks to You tube I have mastered the art of dopplering. I can now find the heartbeat within a minute. It is way lower than I thought - almost in the forested pubic region. It's pretty cool that I can do it every day and have that peace of mind. Truly magical.

So, with this new found source of confidence, I put up a cheesy ticker. Actually, I put up two. I figure I have to make up for the months I should have still had a ticker going in previous pregnancies.

Not everything is sunshine and roses, though. I got a blood test for anemia and thyroid (both problems I have had for some time). The thyroid came back great, but the anemia is the worst it has ever been. This is not surprising as it is common in pregnancy, but still I am  so frustrated because I put so much effort into eating right to maximize my iron. The other frustrating thing is that, once again, my doctor is MIA. I only know these test results because I signed up for the online program where you can check yourself. If I was not so tech savvy, I would still be unaware of the problem. Is she even going to call me about it or is the report sitting somewhere on the bottom of a large pile of things to be ignored? Can I get some supplements or something? This is why I am going to probably switch to a midwife. I don't know why, but I have an impression that they would be more responsive than this.

In other news, nausea has subsided except for early morning and late evening. No complaints.

Wow. I can't believe we are still in the game.

Ten

Ten weeks.

In reading some other blogs lately, I see just how fortunate I am to be here and still have hope that this will work out. I have not enjoyed the last two years of shittiness, but I realize that in the grand scheme of things, it has not been as difficult for me as for many others. In that spirit, I do not wish to take any of it for granted, so I have accomplished a lot of things this week.

1. Finally tracked down some midwives. My preferred midwifery clinic in the neighbourhood was all full for November babies, but I was able to find two other clinics relatively nearby and have appointments at each of them to decide which one I would *hopefully* want to go with. It's nice to have options =) And no offense to my OB, but I see her as more of a surgical, clinical, super-scientific fem-bot. I think for the actual birth, I will need someone with bedside manner.

2. Rented a doppler. I was sure it was going to be expensive to rent it for a few months, plus the shipping costs, but it turns out there is a company in the province that rents them out at an awesome price ($29/month) and the shipping there and back is only $12. So I figured it was worth it financially, though it might not have been worth it if I was not able to find the heartbeat and it just freaked me out. I got it in the mail yesterday and tried it out. It was realllllly hard to find the heartbeat. I had to press into my belly and search around aimlessly for a long time but eventually managed to do it - once in the span of an hour. It was somewhere around 176 bpm, which is great. Then I tried again after dinner but could not find it. I don't understand whether it will always be in sort of the same place or will move around a lot. I found it on the right side of my lower abdomen, but then the next time it wasn't there... Meh, I'm not too concerned. I think I will hold off searching for it again until 11 weeks. Hearing it once yesterday will stave off my insanity for at least a week.

3. Found a prenatal yoga class on Sundays. Magical.

Things I am looking forward to:

1. Getting off the progesterone suppositories. OB said I can just quit cold turkey at 10 weeks but I am a little too paranoid at this point to do that. I think I will continue until 11 weeks and then slowly wean myself off between weeks 11 and 13.

2. Next OB appointment is in 3 weeks. Arghhhh. But my midwife "meet-and-greet" appointments are earlier, so maybe they will be nice and scan me.

3. The end of nausea is nigh. I can feel it lessening a bit over the past few days, but it is still constantly there, just a bit more subtle. This is not a huge problem, but it would be nice to get back to normal.

4. Thinking of putting up a lame ticker, but the fear of jinx prevails. Maybe later.

Nine

I am nine weeks in. As of yesterday, there is still an appropriately sized human with a heartbeat in there. It has a huge head and tiny t-rex limbs. Apparently after 9 weeks it is no longer called an "embryo", but rather a "fetus".

I have a fetus. Why don't I feel any better?

I keep scaring myself with the thought that the fetus is now so big that if I miscarried again, I would definitely have a D&C - that is not something I want to do again.

I have had a scan every two weeks so far, but now I have to wait an entire MONTH for the next one. Don't know how I will make it for a whole month... but then I will hopefully be 13 weeks and over the biggest hump.

Wow, this post is very choppy and negative. Maybe I need to get off my ass and exercise to release some endorphins.

Been a bad kitty

Things I have done during this pregnancy that will surely cause a miscarriage:

1. Eaten sushi (yes, of the raw fish variety)
2. Eaten cured meat
3. Gone skiing
4. Consumed caffeine
5. Had the flu for 2 weeks
6. Lifted heavy things
7. Been constantly stressed at work
8. Forgotten to take my vitamins
9. Inhaled second hand smoke
10. Consumed alcohol

That just about covers it, right? These are not things I have done every day. Most of them happened only once, and in small doses. Some of them were totally beyond my control (like getting the flu and inhaling cigarette smoke). I just don't have the energy to be perfect. Of course, I am going to try my hardest to eliminate these things going forward. But you know what, I avoided ALL OF THEM the last three times and it didn't make any difference.

It's alive!!

Muhahahahah IT'S ALIVE!!! IT'S ALIVE!!!

Heart beat = 134 bpm

Measuring 7 weeks

Let us praise ceiling cat.

I am obviously very excited about this. It's the farthest we have ever come and I am starting to feel slightly less apocalyptic about my universe. I should, however, tell you some of the other things that happened today.

First Thing: I left my cell phone at home today, which is always a bit stressful because it means I can't play Words With Friends throughout the day. But as if that wasn't enough, I come home this evening to discover 6 missed calls... from the HOSPITAL. 3 voicemails. Jebus.

It turned out it was someone from the pregnancy loss clinic calling me to set up an appointment for a repeat pregnancy loss plan. Ok... not as bad as it could have been (like someone in my family got hit by a car or something), but still rather OMINOUS on the day I am getting my ultrasound. They left 3 messages because they got cut off the first time, and then the second time left the wrong appointment time. Whatever. I hope to never attend there.

Second Thing: When I finally got to the ultrasound appointment at 7:30pm, I had to go through the usual rigmarole with the tech about "how many pregnancies have you had", "oh so you have three kids already?", "oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Do they know what's wrong?", "oh... well I guess we'll just do the scan now". The poor girl's face was paler than mine by the time we got through the questions (and she was Indian, so that's realllllly pale). Anyway, she proceeds to do the scan and everything is fine. Finally, at the very end she hands me the printout picture and says, "So glad it's looking good. You're my first normal scan of the day."

= |  GULP

Seriously? I had to get the bad luck tech?? Bah, don't care, it turned out ok. Now let's hope it keeps up.

Nightmare

Things to report since my last post at 5 weeks:

- I am now just shy of 7 weeks.
- Dating scan tomorrow night = moment of truth
- No bleeding to report (this doesn't mean I haven't miscarried - could just be due to the progesterone suppositories)
- Symptoms include: constant nausea and metallic taste in my mouth, frequent urination, runny nose, powerful urge to sleep all day.

So yeah, the scan tomorrow will be the big moment. If there is a 7 week old human with a good strong heartbeat, we are going to celebrate.

Last night I had the most vivid nightmare of my life. It involved the discovery of fresh red blood on toilet paper (classic!), followed by a miscarriage on the toilet. For some reason, the products of conception that came out were two little red grapes (wtf) - this did not make it any less scary.

I woke up panting and in a complete panic. It seemed so real. I literally had to calm myself down and remind myself that nothing like that had happened *yet*. Let's hope it's just a nightmare and not a premonition?

Normal Female

I had my "clomid follow up" appointment at the OB today, which became a pregnancy appointment. She wanded me and we saw a gestational sac and yolk sac, right on track for 5 weeks. I will have another scan in two weeks to see if this one is going to make it any further than previous pregnancies.

IN OTHER NEWS... we finally got the karyotype results back from preg-fail #3. Normal female. I know that it is theoretically better for it to have been genetically abnormal so as to explain the miscarriage, but I actually feel better about this. Now I know we are capable of producing a normal human, and it is just a matter of keeping it alive for 9 months. Hopefully this time the synthroid and progesterone suppositories will assist with that. Am I right?

I thought I would be affected by knowing the sex of the baby I lost, but it hasn't really changed anything. I feel like I couldn't possibly feel any worse about it, and knowing an additional fact will not make a difference.

Alright, gotta keep truckin'. Armed with $500 worth of suppositories, I am feeling pretty good about my chances.

Stuck in neutral

It's March 19th and I'm 19DPO.

I haven't bothered to go for a blood test but the HPT's are getting progressively darker.

During my last pregnancy, I had a brief bleeding episode at 18DPO before going on to have a missed miscarriage and D&C a month later. This time there has been no bleeding, but that could just be thanks to the progesterone suppositories.

Not bleeding is a good sign, but at the same time I don't have any major pregnancy symptoms either. No hint of nausea, no major fatigue... so that's not very comforting.

All in all, I am feeling stuck in neutral. When you've miscarried multiple times, there is a 2 week wait for the BFP, but then there is a 2 month wait for the 12 week "safety" mark. I've never gotten there, but I presume that if I do get there, the 2 month wait will just turn into a continuous wait until that baby is born alive and healthy.

So that's where things stand. The one thing I have to look forward to is an appointment with my OB on Wednesday. I will only be 5 weeks at that point so there won't be much to see on ultrasound, but at least she will refer me for the blood HCG test and probably some other ones.

Can someone please push the fast forward button??

A Typical Sunday

This Sunday could have been special. It could have been different and exciting and wonderful. But it is just an ordinary Sunday, the same as last week and the week before that.

I am 11DPO and decided it was time to peek on a stick. It was positive. I did not feel joy or surprise or anything for that matter. I was mostly "meh" about it.

I went over to hubbs and told him. He gave me the customary hug and smile.

We went about the rest of our day.

Being the fourth time around, it doesn't mean anything anymore. Which is probably a good thing. If it meant as much as it did the first time, I would not be ready to handle another loss.

... and on that note... POSITIVE THOUGHTS POSITIVE THOUGHTS POSITIVE THOUGHTS



I read this quote in Uncle Tom's Cabin (currently reading it in an attempt to meet my 2012 book reading goal of a measly 4 books - which I FAILED to meet in 2011):

Chapter IX: "There are in this world blessed souls, whose sorrows all spring up into joys for others; whose earthly hopes, laid in the grave with many tears, are the seed from which spring eternal healing flowers and balm for the desolate and the distressed."

This quote beautifully and succinctly expresses the change I've noticed in myself in my ability to be happy for others when good things happen, and to empathize with others when bad things happen.

Before all this dead baby shit, I didn't know how to react when tragic things happened to other people. I didn't know what to say, or how to say it. Now, I just have this instinctive response, I can't even describe what it is exactly. But I know how to look at the person, when to listen and when to talk, when to touch them and when to keep my distance. When people are depressed, my reaction is not "get over it, you whiner". It's "yep, been there".

This is why great music is made by angry/depressed people - they know how to relate.

In the thick of it

Progesterone suppositories - not as bad as I thought, not that great either.

I've been on them for 3 days now and they are not as leaky as I thought, but still some of it comes out (more so during the day when I'm moving around). The part I dislike the most is how they leave this thick paste inside, which makes me afraid to engage in marital activity for fear it would seriously gross out the hubbs. Plus, the thickness would probably make lube necessary, and then the two will mix and be even more gross...

The only other complaint about them so far is the bloating/constipation. I already feel fat as it is, having gained about 15 pounds since the last miscarriage. This is not helping my self esteem.

On the bright side, look at this beautiful *almost normal* chart! This cycle would be under 40 days long (although I'm hoping it goes for 9 months).

That's more like it!

So THAT's what a positive OPK looks like with these stupid green sticks. This is looking very promising... nyezzz...

Clomid Cycle 1 Update

A brief summary of this first (and hopefully last??) Clomid cycle.

• Side effects: given the low dose (50mg), it is not surprising that I didn't feel much in the way of side effects. I was most concerned about the effect it might have on my CM, but at this moment it looks like quite the opposite is occuring. Throw these eggwhites into the frying pan! Gross? Maybe a little.
• Did it work? Complicated question. I did not ovulate on CD14 as hoped. However, I am now on CD24 with very promising CM and if I ovulate in the next week it will still be the earliest ever for me. This morning my temp took a huge dip and I hope that's a "pre-ovulation dip". Better get busy in the sack! 

I guess this all brings up the question of whether I should increase the dosage for next cycle if I don't get pregnant this time. Probably yes. Or perhaps I will inquire about a trigger shot to get that egg down sooner (thanks for that tip, Amy).

So that's the update so far. Hopefully I will ovulate soon and then we will go through a similar evaluation with the progesterone suppositories. Though I have a feeling those will be way more fun interesting.

Halp!

This is a super lame question, because at this point I should be able to answer it myself in 5 seconds, but I just switched to a new type of OPK strips and I don't know what a positive (for me) looks like with these. See how the test line is as dark as the control but only on the edge? All of my previous OPK's with the old brand were blank or hardly noticeable at all.

What do you think? Could it be? If I ovulate tomorrow (CD 23), it would be the earliest ever!

Kthnxbai.

Anxiety killed the Advo.cat

I am at the end of CD 12 now, and ovulation is nowhere in sight based on my CM and OPK's. I know it is still very early. I know that CM may not be the best indicator because it is inhibited by the Clomid. I know that it is just a question of WHEN, not IF I ovulate because I always do eventually. I know that chances are I will at the very least ovulate much sooner than I typically do. I know that when it happens, I will be armed with progesterone suppositories to deal with any luteal phase problems.

I know all of these things, and yet I am more anxious than I have ever been. I just want it to work already! [Stomps feet]

I wanted this to be the complete magical fix to all my problems. I had grand dreams of ovulating on CD 12 and getting a BFP on CD 22. A girl can dream, can't she?

But that is not going to happen and I have to accept it. I just wish there was some way of knowing that this will not be one of my usual 60-70 day cycles. SIGH.

I don't feel anything

Taking my last Clomid pill today and I am slightly disappointed to say that I have felt no side-effect.

I had a horrible headache on Wednesday night, but I'm pretty certain that was a caffeine withdrawal headache (I am very sesitive to caffeine so if I consume it, I get a headache the next day - happens all the time).

I don't know what hot flashes feel like, but I don't think I had any. Actually, the fact that I don't know what they are probably means that I haven't ever had one.

No cramps to report either. Lame.

How do I know the Clomid is working? Must I wait another whole week to see if I ovulate? I want to know NOW, dammit.

Shit Infertiles Say

Before you get all up in my face, let's be clear: I do not enjoy the never-ending stream of "Shit _____ say" memes flooding the interwebs. The first one was funny, and there may be some other good ones, but it's pretty annoying at this point.

Having said that... =)

Out of curiosity, I searched for "Shit Infertiles Say" and got zero hits*! Seriously? If I had the money, time, and directorial and filmmaking skills (Mo - maybe you could pitch in for those?), I would make a pretty great "Shit Infertiles Say" video!

So many ideas rushing through my head right now.

"I thought I was having early pregnancy cramps, but it was just that enchillada I had for lunch."

"Wow, they really do look like eggwhites!"

"I can't believe that crack whore is pushing a twin stroller. Not fair."

"I thought I was ovulating, but it was just that enchillada I had for lunch."

"Must. Stop. Eating. To Fill. Emotional. Void."

"I can't go to the party tonight, my ovaries are hyper-stimulated."

"I thought I was finally getting my period, but it was just that enchillada I had for lunch."

and the most comical/enraging of all...

"Babydust!!!!!"

*if someone already did make this meme and I was too dumb to find it, please correct me.

P.S. I would love to hear more ideas for this video. I think there's great potential here.

Is that a UFO?

No, that is not a picture of a UFO spotted in the sky. Rather, it is a tiny little clomid pill on my table. It is so incredibly tiny, I almost can't believe it has the power to do anything. And yet, all of my hopes and dreams rest on this little disc of pharmaceutical magic.

Into my mouth it goes. Gulp.

It Begins

Here we go! After impatiently waiting for the crimson tide to arrive, we are finally on CD1 and ready to commence the first cycle on Clomid.

I was instructed to take it on days 3-7. I still can't figure out whether that is going to produce more eggs, or better quality eggs, but it probably doesn't make a huge difference. First pill will be on Tuesday and if I have side effects then I will have to bear with them during the work week. Blargh.

On that note, I am actually starting to get concerned about the effect that work is having on my health and fertility. I work long hours and have had no time for exercise or relaxation. On top of that, it is a high stress environment and I have had several days in the past few weeks where I border on panic attack/mental breakdown. This leads to insomnia which in turn makes me even more tired/stressed. It is probably not a good thing for TTC, but what freaks me out the most is the thought of being pregnant under these circumstances.

I think if end up getting knocked up for good this time I will have to be honest and clear with my employers about the fact that I will not be putting myself through any excessive stress. If they can't accept that, then we are going to have to part ways. At this point, that is a very easy decision for me to make because my priorities after 3 miscarriages are very clear.

Feelings at this moment: on the one hand - excitement and hope that this will make me function like a normal woman and I will ovulate in 2 weeks, produce a good quality fresh egg, get pregnant and carry to term. On the other hand - fear that either clomid will not work at all (ack!) or that it will make me ovulate but I will not get pregnant and we'll have to repeat the experiment.

Updates of all kinds

This post is about two things. Let's do the easier one first.

Firstly, I believe that I just ovulated on CD 43...

I wish my body would just normalize to a regular length cycle, but at least this means I won't need to take to take provera to bring on a period. That shit nearly killed me last time. This way, I know I will have a new cycle in a couple of weeks and can start on... CLOMID!

Yes, that is the second thing. We purposefully did not try this cycle because I want to try with a proper day 14 or 15 ovulation and not a 40 day old egg. So I got the drugs yesterday - provera to start new cycle (which is not necessary now that I ovulated on my own), clomid to take CD 3-7, and some fabulous progesterone suppositories for the luteal phase. From what I've heard, those suppositories are going to be fun but it could be worse. At least they don't go in your rear end like Hubbs thought...

I am stoked. Everything is playing out nicely with this cycle ending in a couple of weeks. Then I just really hope the clomid works right away and it only takes one try. Easy peasy, right? Yeah, because everything has been super easy so far...

All the meds came to over $400! That's for a 6 month supply in case I need it, but thank god for health insurance...

The only complaint about all this is that we still don't have the results of karyotyping from miscarriage #3. We sent it off to the lab on October 7th... this is getting ridiculous.

So right now I'm very excited about all the new things we're trying and hopeful that it will work. At the same time I am scared that even clomidia, as Hubbs likes to call it, will not be potent enough to make my body ovulate earlier. Only time will tell.

Things I like about my body

Reading my previous post again, I realize how horribly cynical and sarcastic I sound. Let it be known that this is only one part of how I view things, and a pretty small one at that. Here's a list of 10 positive things about my body. What are yours?

1. I have killer legs from being an athlete for so many years, and they are probably going to stay this way forever
2. I've recently stopped getting acne - feels soooo goooood
3. I don't get dry skin unless I'm dehydrated for a prolonged period of time
4. I get one headache per year
5. I get one cold/flu per year and usually recover within 3 days
6. My hair tends to actually look better as the day goes on - I don't know how, but moisture in the air is beneficial somehow.
7. I have small feet, which I think is better than having large feet.
8. When I gain weight, it goes mostly to my boobs.
9. I have good co-ordination which enables me to play pretty much any sport decently well (even golf and tennis).
10. I am one inch above average height (more on other continents).

Unpregnancy Symptoms

Ok, you guys, I totally don't want to sound like I'm complaining about how awesome it is to be infertile, because I'm really sooooo totally grateful... BUT, I feel like I've earned it so just bear with me, ok?

Here are the symptoms I've been experiencing as a result of my unpregancy:

1. Weight Gain: I've gained a few pounds, but everyone tells me I'm "all (not) baby" - just fat I guess. My goal is to keep it to 35 pounds in the next 9 monts, which I believe is the recommended amount.
2. Bloating: A lot of gas and bloating lately. I suspect it's from stuffing my face with junk in a futile attempt to drown my sorrow with food.
3. Heartburn: Umm, it's kind of like a raging-fire-of-anger type of burning that comes up from within my soul, you know? Tums help a bit.
4. Nausea: Fortunately, I've been lucky enough to avoid nausea, except after a night of binge-drinking (see drowning of sorrow as per #2 above).
5. Sleep: I usually cry myself to sleep, which is a bit uncomfortable because the pillow gets soggy, but I do get to sleep eventually. Then I toss and turn in a sort of quasi-sleeping state as all of my worries, fears, and feelings of failure, now unsupressed by consciousness, rise up. Fuuuuuun.
6. Fatigue: I would describe it as both a physical and emotional fatigue. What the heck, let's throw in some spiritual fatigue as well because whatever faith I had is gone.
7. Mood Swings: Ok, I think I better stop here, because it's about to get ugly...

Thanks for listening y'all. I hope I didn't come off too whiny! I'm actually having so much fun. I can't believe I'm already 96weeks3days unpregnant!

Embracing Failure

Warning - Advo.cat gets touchy-feely in this post.

I am not ashamed to admit that I am what they call an "A-type" personality. I'm pretty sure some most of you can relate. I strive for perfection, and that has gotten me pretty far in life. But a big drawback is that anything but perfection is by default a failure. Setting those kinds of standards for yourself is dangerous when, as we all know, perfection is rarely achieved. Over time, I had to develop a way to deal with what I perceived to be constant failure. Instead of seeing it as something that ought to be avoided, I redefined it as something that is a natural part of life.

For example, I often joke that I have a "daily fail quota" that I must meet. Like, "Shit, I messed up. Oh! that's good, I'm closer to meeting my daily fail quota".

That probably sounds crazy, but it's my coping mechanism and I'm entitled to it. And you know what? It has been pretty handy lately! I see my 3 miscarriages as special achievements that grant me entry into a prestigious club of failures. [<-- sarcasm]

I say all these things in jest, but what I am seriously talking about is seeing the positive in something negative. Sometimes that's a cliche. Sometimes it's just something losers say to make themselves feel better. But sometimes it's true. I'm not talking about some nebulous notion of "this is all part of a bigger plan" and "God works in ways we can't understand". I'm saying I completely understand all sides of what is happening to me. I understand that it mostly sucks giant balls. But I also understand that there may positive aspects. At the very least, every failure is a learning experience - maybe about how to do it better next time, maybe about my strengths and weaknesses, maybe about other people's reactions to various events, but at the very least a learning experience about myself.

What I'm learning so far is that I am much stronger than I thought I could be, but also much more fragile in other ways. I didn't know that all this baby stuff mattered so much to me. But I didn't know that I could get through everything that's happened and be ready to go back for more. I'm learning just how little I know about myself.

Think twice about removing preggo friends from your newsfeed

So this weird thing happened.

I have this Facebook "friend" who I went to elementary school with. I still keep in touch with some ladies from my class and she happens to be in that circle of friends, but we're not particularly close. Anyway, a few months ago she posted a pregnancy announcement. Soon enough, my newsfeed flooded with her annoying status updates and eventually the gender reveal - twins - boy and girl. FML. That was about a month ago, and I decided to remove her from my newsfeed then.

So last night we all went out for dinner for the first time since the pregnancy announcement. I was late to arrive and everyone was already sitting down so I couldn't really see her belly, but it definitely wasn't bulging out as far as I would expect at 22ish weeks with twins.

Then she orders a bellini. Ok... I guess one drink every now and then is not the end of the world.

We start talking about what we're all planning for 2012 and eventually it gets to her turn. She says, "yeah, I dropped out of school last year because it was all too much to handle when I was pregnant with twins. But now, I don't know, I guess I should go back or do something else, but what's the point if I just get pregnant again."

I am thoroughly confused. Did she already have the babies? Did she lose them? I didn't see anything on Facebook about it, but then again maybe she wouldn't post about something tragic like that. I feel awkward asking her directly or even whispering the question to someone else at the table.

I get home and immediately proceed to her Facebook profile. There it is - she lost the babies a few weeks ago. How did I miss that? OH. I KNOW. I removed her from my effing newsfeed is how!

Holy $h!t. The irony.

Now I'm wondering if I should reach out and say something to her. About how sorry I am and how I know how she must feel because I've been there. I haven't told anyone except my 3 closest friends, but that's because nobody else would really understand or care. She would, and I want her to know that I do, too. But I'm scared to put myself out there with someone who I see only a few times a year and don't really know very well. Would it help her, or would it just pick at the scab?