Fine, you're right

Well, the clear consensus seems to be that we should not TTC this cycle and instead complete all of the recurrent pregnancy loss testing. I kinda already knew that was the right thing to do, but my impatient side needed a shove in the right direction. Thanks to everyone who responded.

The funny thing is, it might all be a moot point anyway. My cycles are 2-4 months long and I'm only on CD 15 right now, so the chances of me dropping an egg before the hysteroscopy are slim.

I just can't believe how long it's been since we started TTC in summer of 2010. I was so sure we would be parents by now. It seems like everyone I've been following has already moved past us in this race (I know it's not a race, but it feels like it sometimes). Bah... 2012 - you better not screw me over too.

Welcome, ICLW'ers (and please help me decide what to do)

Hello old friends and new ones,

[Please read on to see how you can be part of my major life decisions]

This is only the second time I have done ICLW, and although it is definitely time consuming, I think I should do it more often. First of all, it gets me to expand my reading horizons a bit and I've stumbled across some new and interesting blogs that I otherwise would not have seen. Secondly, it gets more people to read this blog, which makes me feel less ronery (shout-out to Kim Jong Il).

Where am I going with this? Ok, the fact that lots of people are stopping by this week is perfect timing for you all to participate in an important decision I have been pondering over the last week.

With my 3rd miscarriage I finally qualified for "recurrent pregnancy loss" testing. I have done all of the tests, and they have all come back normal, except I still have two missing pieces of information:

1. the results of genetic karyotyping from miscarriage #3; and
2. a hysteroscopy scheduled for January which would rule out any physical uterine abnormalities.

So, at this point, I believe that I don't have any auto-immune or blood clotting issues (woot!), and that I probably don't have PCOS/hormonal problems. The only possible issues out there are genetic or physical, and I really don't have any reason to suspect the physical ones. I would actually put my money on the miscarriages being the result of genetic issues. It's what makes the most sense given how early on they were.

So the question is: DO WE TTC THIS CYCLE?

If we do, we might get knocked up again and not be able to do the hysteroscopy in January, and I might have another miscarriage and put everything back another 6 months. If we don't TTC, we can do the hysteroscopy and maybe get some clomid to increase the quality of my eggs. Oh, but I reeeeeeally hate waiting!

Thoughts?

And a partridge in a pear tree

On the first day of Christmas, my body gave to me
A traumatizing D&C

On the second day of Christmas, my body gave to me
Two years of trying, and a traumatizing D&C

On the third day of Christmas, my body gave to me
Three miscarriages, two years of trying, and a traumatizing D&C

On the fourth day of Christmas, my body gave to me
Four cycles a year, three miscarriages, two years of trying, and a traumatizing D&C

On the fifth day of Christmas, my body gave to me
Five sleepless nights, four cycles a year, three miscarriages, two years of trying, and a traumatizing D&C

On the sixth day of Christmas, my body gave to me
Six mental breakdowns, five sleepless nights, four cycles a year, three miscarriages, two years of trying, and a traumatizing D&C

On the seventh day of Christmas, my body gave to me
Seven hours in hospital, six mental breakdowns, five sleepless nights, four cycles a year, three miscarriages, two years of trying, and a traumatizing D&C

On the eigth day of Christmas, my body gave to me
Eight vaginal ultrasounds, seven hours in hospital, six mental breakdowns, five sleepless nights, four cycles a year, three miscarriages, two years of trying, and a traumatizing D&C

On the ninth day of Christmas, my body gave to me
Nine months of emptiness, eight vaginal ultrasounds, seven hours in hospital, six mental breakdowns, five sleepless nights, four cycles a year, three miscarriages, two years of trying, and a traumatizing D&C

On the tenth day of Christmas, my body gave to me
Ten pounds of belly fat, nine months of emptiness, eight vaginal ultrasounds, seven hours in hospital, six mental breakdowns, five sleepless nights, four cycles a year, three miscarriages, two years of trying, and a traumatizing D&C

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my body gave to me
Eleven fits of rage, ten pounds of belly fat, nine months of emptiness, eight vaginal ultrasounds, seven hours in hospital, six mental breakdowns, five sleepless nights, four cycles a year, three miscarriages, two years of trying, and a traumatizing D&C

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my body gave to me
Twelve blood draws, eleven fits of rage, ten pounds of belly fat, nine months of emptiness, eight vaginal ultrasounds, seven hours in hospital, six mental breakdowns, five sleepless nights, four cycles a year, three miscarriages, two years of trying, and a traumatizing D&C

Well that was anti-climactic

I had an inkling this would happen. I went to the doctor today expecting to discuss the karyotype test results from the last miscarriage. That was the purpose of this appointment. They didn't have the results.

I don't know what is wrong with people. Maybe I should have called ahead to confirm.

Whatever.

So I got to see the doctor anyway - on time even!! She is sending us for the pregnancy loss work-up regardless of those pending results. So I have some blood to give on day 3 and a hysteroscopy to attend. The hubbs will give blood too, so we can test for any genetic incompatibilities. He's pretty disappointed there won't be a semen anlysis, but I told him he can jerk off in the blood lab anyway, if he really wants to.

So it's not a total loss. We get to do these tests in the meantime, which I really want to do in order to rule out any possible issues, as unlikely as they may be... unlikely things tend to happen to me, it seems.

She confirmed the next steps will likely involve Clomid and progesterone. I also had a chat with her about the thyroid issue. She confirmed it could actually be what caused the miscarriages, and that studies have shown even sub-clinical hypothyroidism is related to pregnancy loss. Grrrrreat.

So those are the facts, ma'am. What to make of them? Obviously, I am as impatient as ever. These tests will take at least another month. Who knows when my next cycle will start after that. Bah.

But I see the many positives here. We are covering all the bases. There will be treatment involving marvelous modern medicine. We have time to see if the synthroid will possibly make my cycles more normal on their own. I can drink and be merry as much as I want this holiday season. I can ski this winter. Would I trade all of that for a baby? Yes.

Note to self

This blog is *almost* 100% for me. I would be lying if I said when I write on here, I don't keep in mind what potential readers might think/like/dislike. Still, I have a pretty good policy on only writing when I feel like it, and I don't worry too much about posting to keep people constantly entertained.

So I haven't posted in like... I don't know... a LONG TIME. And I honestly feel no guilt about it. Even at this moment, I don't really feel like it... but I know in my mind that I should write down my thoughts today so that I can have a record of them tomorrow. Why tomorrow? Tomorrow is results day. I will be meeting with the OB to discuss the results of genetic testing from the last (third) miscarriage.

I think I should write down my thoughts about it now, while I am unencumbered by various facts and emotions that may skew my perspective and make me think more negatively about it.

There are really two possible outcomes tomorrow.

Possible Outcome #1: the test reveals a genetic abnormality. This will mean that there is no evidence that I am unable to support a pregnancy - just that there was a genetic mistake. Since I've had three miscarriages, there might be an egg quality issue or a compatibility issue between me and hubbs. I suspect that there is an egg quality issue because all three babies were conceived very late in my cycle (around CD50) which can result in deteriorated eggs. They may do additional tests, but the prescription will probably be Clomid to speed up ovulation and possibly progesterone just in case.

Possible Outcome #2: the test reveals no genetic abnormality. This means that there might be something wrong with my ability to support a pregnancy. Since all of my miscarriages have been early on, this may suggest progesterone deficiency. If my previously undetected hypothyroidism was the problem, then I am already taking synthroid for that. They may do other tests, but the prescription will probably be Clomid and progesterone.

Soooooo... I don't know for sure if that's how things will play out, but it seems like the eventual plan will be the same. No reason to panic. Just take it one step at a time.

Time

They say time flies when you're having fun, but I am learning that time also flies when you're not (obsessively)vTTC.

I thought it would be painstaking to sit around and wait for a new cycle, the karyotyping test results, doctor's appointments, etc. before we could start trying again. I can't say it has been a piece of cake, but it hasn't been that bad either. I think it has to do with the fact that I'm not tracking twenty things every day. I am not temping the moment I wake up. I am not checking CM every few hours. I am not peeing on OPK's twice a day for weeks on end (which is what you have to do when you have 60-90 day cycles). I am not wishing it was tomorrow already so I could try all those things again in the hopes of seeing the temp rise, or positive OPK, or eggwhite CM, or the BPF.

So here I am, 16 days after the D&C, and it honestly feels a little bit like "woah, where did the time go?".

This is my life

Senior Partner: Can you come to the Disney on Ice thing and chaperone little kids of our clients?
Me: I'm not good with small humans.
Senior Partner: You're not helpful. But I guess it's good news for us that you're not interested in having children.

Break from the universe

It has been so long since I posted on here that I can't even remember what event I wrote about last. I think it was the second ultrasound showing an almost non-existent heartbeat. I then had a third ultrasound a week later where it was confirmed that the baby had died, it looked like at about 6 weeks, though I should have been 10 weeks.

Two days after the confirmation ultrasound I had a D&C, which was my first. The previous two miscarriages happened much faster and on their own, but this time was different. There was a heartbeat. There was no bleeding. All symptoms persisted. But alas, it didn't work out.

I was glad to have the D&C because I just couldn't deal with dragging it out any longer, plus I was happy to skip the painful process of actually miscarrying. It was also a good choice this time because we are now eligible for the triple loser testing (i.e. chromosomal testing on the products of conception). So I would much rather have them take everything out in one procedure than be walking around collecting my own blood clots for 3 days.

The D&C experience was pretty sickening at the time that it happened. They gave me the option of waiting a week to have it done in a dedicated area for pregnancy loss patients, or doing it right away mixed in with all the abortion patients. I could care less about other people's choices, but I did not enjoy spending two hours in a waiting area with people whose every word hit a sensitive nerve in an already stressful situation.

I also did not enjoy the fact that 5 minutes after I stumbled out of the clinic, still pretty drugged out, my OB's receptionist called to cancel my pre-natal appointments for October and November because they were obviously no longer required... ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!!?!

But having said all that, now in retrospect I am as content with how things went as I could be in the circumstances. I had a bit of spotting for a couple of hours after the procedure but nothing since. I felt cramping for about a day or two afterwards, I think from everything shrinking back down, but no pain after that. I think that is an unusually uncomplicated post-D&C experience and I am very grateful for that.

Though the physical recovery has been easy, I cannot say the same about the mental/emotional. It didn't help that while this was all happening, a good friend of mine had her third baby, and several people announced their pregnancies on FB (some with the same due date as me - which means they did it before 12 weeks - which is fine because nothing bad will happen to them now that I am the statistic). I know a lot of people talk about how pregnancy announcements can sting, but I haven't really had that before because people here tend to wait until late 20's/early 30's to have kids, with some exceptions. So this is a new, poorly-timed development for me. Oh well.

I stayed off of this blog for a few weeks because honestly, every time I think about this I start to cry. Mascara has not been worn for a long time. But as with everything, eventually the pain lessens and I start thinking about other things more and more, and life moves on.

In the next few months, as we await the results of the genetic testing and let my body heal, I am focussing on getting back in shape, getting back into my hobbies, spending more time with friends and drinking as much wine as I can handle. It will not make things better. It will not make me forget. It will not make me any more optimistic about the future, but it will be something to do to pass the time.

Abort/retry/fail?

A lolCat google search is like the Bible - you can find a relevant entry for any situation in life. As with me today:

I couldn't wait a whole week to find out what was going on after yesterday's horrendous OB visit, so I moved up my dating scan to this afternoon. Suspicions confirmed: the baby only measured 5w4d with a lame-ass heartbeat of 85bpm.

I am partly relieved it is so small, as this means I can probably avoid a D&C and go the natural route. The less it grows the less painful it will be coming out. Funsies!

Not sure what happens when they know it's not viable but there is still a heartbeat. Do I have to wait it out? That could take a long time. I am ready to abort and retry... with a potential for more fail.

I am trying to focus on the things I can do now that I've been putting off - like drinking some delicious wine we bought in Oregon two months ago. Getting my hair dyed (maybe). Doing hot yoga and running around to feel glorious endorphins. Boning my husband fearlessly. So much to do, so little time...

Wow, this really sucks. I think I will be ok eventually. I always am.

The Saga Continues

I am so exhausted.

Went for my OB appointment today, which I had scheduled before I knew I was pregnant (the plan was to get a prescription for Clomid). Then I fould out I was pregnant and kept the appointment as my first "pre-natal" visit.

First the receptionist forgot to put me in the queue after I had checked in, so I ended up waiting an hour and a half to see the doctor. Finally, she came in and asked me a few questions then proceeded to do an ultrasound. It was a vaginal one, but she said her equipment is not the best.

We saw a heartbeat but she said I was only measuring around 6 weeks. I should be 7w3d now, maybe off by a couple of days, but 7 weeks at the very least.

She said her equipment was not very accurate and it was hard to measure, and that this early on the difference is so small that everything could be fine given we see a heartbeat. We will have a better sense of what is going on when I go for the dating ultrasound at the clinic with the good equipment. That will be exactly one week from today.

But then she pulls out a cup and tells me that if I were to miscarry I should put the products of conception into the cup and bring it to the lab for testing, as I would now (on my 3rd miscarriage) qualify for genetic testing.

I don't know what to make of this. Sounds like it could go either way at this point.

So I continue to live in limbo, at the very least until next week's dating ultrasound. I feel like I am being strung along and my courage is fading. My worst fear now is that I will miscarry much later in the pregnancy than I did before, which will be more painful and potentially will require a D&C. Oh, the fun never ends.

Wake me up when September ends

This is going to be a brutal month. I've been working 15 hour days consistently for the past couple of weeks and I don't think I can last much longer. I'm not complaining about having awesome pregnancy symptoms, but it doesn't help my work productivity when I'm nauseated, hungry and tired. September/October tend to be busy because people come back from summer holidays and realize they should probably get stuff done. I don't mind being busy - it's better than sitting around twiddling my thumbs - but I wish it didn't coincide with this delicate first trimester, which is proving to be tough both mentally and physically.

On the upside, being knocked up is great for my self-esteem. Food aversions have led to a bit of weight loss (nothing to be concerned about) which makes my clothes fit a bit more comfortably. Also, my skin has never looked better, and my hair now stays smooth and non-greasy for days. I just look really pale and drained most of the time, but nothing a little rouge can't fix! So basically, I look like a Hollywood celebrity - malnourished but fabulous.

I must confess, I am now 6w4d and I haven't gone for an ultrasound yet. Partially due to being so busy, but partially because I am afraid of the possible heartbreak of being told that despite everything, this is not viable. I just want to enjoy this time and believe that everything is ok. I already had an ultrasound scheduled for around the 8 week mark, so I will just go to that one in a couple weeks. In the meantime, let me live in blissful ignorance of bad things.

Ad Nauseum

Good news! I wanna hurl!

Actually, that's not entirely true. Yes, nausea has begun as of week 7, which I am pretty excited about, but it is not what I expected. I do not feel like throwing up, really. It's more of a dull sick feeling that lasts all day and night at a constant level. Actually, it's most annoying at night because when I get up to pee in the middle of the night, I feel it right away and then I can't fall asleep because it's always there nagging me.

I sometimes think that I've lost my appetite because thinking about pretty much any food makes me gag a little. But as soon as I put the food that is least disgusting at the moment in my mouth, it tastes great, and I finish the whole thing. In fact, just now I ate my entire lunch at only 9:30am even though I continue to feel this constant sickness.

I suspect it might get a lot worse in the next few weeks, which is both scary and exciting. I didn't feel any nausea with my first pregnancy which ended around week 8, so this is encouraging. I wonder though if this is what it's like for other people... google here I come!

Updates

Second HCG draw yesterday was 22,492, up from 17,586 two days earlier. That is a doubling time of about 5 days.

I don't know what that means. Some sources say HCG is supposed to double every 48-72 hours. Some sources say the 48-72 hours rule is only true when HCG is below 6,000. I say these betas are not all that useful!

Other things to consider: I only bled for a day and it has since stopped completely. My boobs are still sore. However, I don't feel as many uterine cramps as I did before the bleeding, so I feel like maybe things are not developing anymore.

My OB is conveniently away until Monday. Maybe I will call and harass her for an ultrasound. I will be 6 weeks tomorrow, so next week could show a heartbeat... or not.

Also

Yolk... a blog about eggs and sperm - So what's a fertile to do?

Amen, sister. A-fucking-men.

Drama!

First of all, thanks everyone for your very kind words and well wishes in response to my recent fail. I keep this blog anonymous so there is never any real life interaction, but somehow I know that if we knew each other in real life we'd be besties.

Things have taken a strange twist since Monday. I was bleeding quite a bit of bright red blood, and had resigned myself to my fate. By Monday night, however, the bleeding had completely stopped. Nothing since then. There was never any cramping. My boobs are still as sore as ever. What. The. Eff.

I took the advice of several of you and called my OB about the situation. She said that an ultrasound wouldn't show a heartbeat this early, but I should get some betas to see if they are still doubling. Went for the first one yesterday. At 5w3d the number was 17,586. If I compare it to the one I had done last week before the bloody incident, that is doubling every 46 hours or so, which is right on target. Also, isn't 17,586 abnormally high for just 5w3d?? What the hell is going on?

I'm going for another beta tomorrow to see if it's still rising appropriately. I don't even know what to think anymore. Did I miscarry, but the bleeding is just sporadic? Is it ectopic? Is everything fine and I just had a random bleeding episode due to fluctuating hormones or irritated cervix or something?

Obviously, given my history, I'm loath to believe that everything is ok. I suspect this is not a viable pregnancy, and I am annoyed that this mess is dragging on. At least the two previous times it was like BAM! You're DONE! And I could move on with my life.

To add to the stress of everything that's going on, I got in "trouble" at work for leaving early. Apparently something needed to be done urgently and couriered to a client. A client who was probably already lounging on his yacht at this time not giving a rat's ass about it. This was the Friday before the long weekend. I had been there since 6:30am. I am fucking quitting this place as soon as I find an exit strategy.

It's Over, Folks

I am bleeding glorious red blood out of my hoo-ha. It started with a bit of spotting on Saturday afternoon, which I thought was strange seeing as how I had spent the day laying around doing nothing. It went away after a few hours and nothing happened on Sunday. Then this morning I woke up to pee and the thing we all fear when wiping happened.

I know it's not 100% confirmed, but I've been around this block a couple of times and I know what's happening.

Things are a bit different this time. Hubbs is with me, which is nice. I am upset, extremely upset, but not in total shock. I am not wasting my time googling "miscarriage" or sitting around in the ER waiting 5 hours for a doctor to tell me what I already know.

So I guess I'm part of the Triple Loser Club. Go me. Not sure where to go from here, but I guess we'll just have to keep going somewhere.

I've got a beef. And some hypothyroidism.

4:59pm. I kid you not. That is when the nurse from my OB's office decided to inform me that my thyroid was apparently in need of some supplementation. I asked her to please fax the prescription to my pharmacy before she left so that I could pick it up tonight. We are going away for the weekend, PLUS it's labour day (oh, the irony) so nothing will be open again til Tuesday.

She faxed it alright. I called the pharmacy to make sure. Only thing is, there is a typo in the prescription. Apparently the stated dosage (0.03) does not exist. Did they mean 0.05? Or 0.025? Unknown.

The pharmacy calls the OB back (it's now 5:05pm). No one there. They try calling my family doctor. No answer. The walk-in clinic that requested the blood test for me - nobody. Really? The emergency walk-in clinic is ALSO closed? Well fuck me sideways.

I guess I will just have to wait until Tuesday. Of course I will not google "hypothyroidism and miscarriage" in the meantime. No, I wouldn't do that...

Ticker Time

As an infertile, I find pregnancy tickers particularly obnoxious. It is a daily reminder of how that preggo is that much closer to the goal than me. Admittedly, it is a jealousy thing. I secretly find tickers really fun and just wish I could have one myself. I suppose I could have gotten one for TTC'ing, but I think I was saving the fun reward for when I was actually knocked up.

Well now's the time. I don't think this is a chemical pregnancy, so I should be feeling knocked up for at least a few more weeks, hopefully longer. During this time, I will take full pleasure in my super tacky, girly, cheesy ticker. Because I can.

My Favourite Genre is Suspense

I've been attempting to work for the past few hours but cannot focus due to the impending second beta results that should be posted shortly. It's actually quite annoying because I have to get some things done ASAP but just can't force my mind to concentrate on anything other than beta beta beta.

I found this handy little beta HCG calculator which tells me that based on my previous beta of 34 I need something in the range of 300 to be in the clear for now.

So I figured I could at least spew my thoughts out here while I wait. I am not super concerned about it as I have been feeling pretty messed up for the past few days so I assume the hormones are pumping. Last night I went to bed at 8pm again and slept a good 10 hours, and am ready to go back to bed now (2pm). I have also been uncharacteristically disinterested in food today.

Holy shishkebab. Results are posted. 17 DPO, HCG = 1425!!

Dammit, now I won't be able to focus on work because I'm too giddy.

On the Bright Side

In the spirit of yin/yang, equilibrium, balance and harmony, I would like to even the scales a little after my last depressing post. Here are a few things that are positive about my current situation:

1. I have taken 6 preggo tests which have all been positive, and getting progressively darker.
2. My temps are higher than ever, and staying way up there.
3. Symptoms are increasing slowly but surely. For example, I had absolutely no breast tenderness until about 13DPO (3 days ago), and since then they have gotten pretty sore to the point that I can feel the pain any time I move my body. Still no nausea but I am so friggin tired. I took 2 naps this weekend AND slept 9 hours each night and still feel totally wiped. Also, I have been having gentle cramping on and off which suggests that the womb is expanding. I sure hope that is what's going on because that is how I'm justifying this bump:

So overall, I am progressing much better than my last pregnancy where the HPT went negative only 3 days after showing positive, and I had no booby pain at all.

These are all good things, yes? Now in the words of Mo, let's keep all appendages crossed that it continues!

Fear

Fear is what defines me at the moment. Sad, I know. But justified, I think.

I want so badly for this time to be different, but I have no reason to believe that it will. It's easy to say "just stop worrying, you're stressing yourself out", but anyone who has been in this position knows that is impossible.

I now understand what people say about miscarriage taking away your ability to ever blissfully enjoy pregnancy. I will live in fear until I see a heartbeat. Then I will live in fear until I am 12 weeks. Then I will live in fear until viability, then... you get the picture.

I am a positive person by nature, so I am actually holding it together quite well. I just always seem to have this little knot in my stomach that won't go away.

Right now I am trying to decide whether to ask my doctor for a second beta, or even schedule a dating ultrasound (I already have a requisition I can use which my OB gave me for just such circumstances). On one hand, I want to verify that everything is ok. On the other hand, if it's not, I kinda don't want to know! And in any case, there's nothing I can do if this is not a viable pregnancy except wait it out. I'm leaning towards doing nothing for the time being.

In other news, I tried going to yoga today and couldn't do anything involving abs. As soon as I flexed, I could feel a stabbing pain. Hmm, that doesn't seem normal.

The Erection Results are In

As of today, I am knocked up.

HCG = 35 (not bad for 11DPO)
Progesterone = 62 nmol/L (which translates to 19.5 ng/ml)

3rd time's a charm? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek

Patience is Evaporating

Strangeness.

I was all excited to pee on sticks as soon as possible, but 9 DPO came and went and I wasn't feeling any symptoms (which I had with my two previous pregnancies), so I didn't really feel like testing yet. Then this morning (10 DPO) I basically forced myself to test just for record keeping purposes. I got a BFN, and then an evaporation line about 10 minutes later. I presume it is an evap line, as the instructions say to check within 5 minutes. But of course the evil little evapo is toying with my mind making me think it was just a "delayed positive". It's not.

I'm still not feeling any symptoms other than a few aches here and there, but that's just me getting old. I am already thinking past this cycle and looking forward to seeing the OB in September. The past few days have been a cycle of despair-apathy-impatience-melancholy and so on. I try to keep it in apathy mode as much as possible because, really, there is nothing I can do so why fret.

I had only one bad moment of despair this weekend while hubbs was out go-karting with his Little Brother - yes, that is not his biological brother but a "Little Brother" he volunteers with once a week as a sort of "Father Figure". I don't think I need to explain to you how that makes his infertile wife feel... Whatever, it's a good thing to do, and I guess I'd rather he get some satisfaction from that than have nothing at all.

On the bright side, we are totally balls deep with this kitchen reno and it's going to be so. effing. awesome. It will be the kind of kitchen only two yuppie DINKs can afford. Yes. This kitchen will make everything ok [rocks back and forth while staring blankly].

Fuck Cancer

Today one of Canada's political leaders passed away. I was never a huge supporter of his party, and often disagreed with his political views on many levels. Nevertheless, he did something which few people have the courage or stamina for: he tried to change things for the better, in the face of constant public scrutiny, while fighting cancer.

And so I tip my hat to you, Jack, and thank you for your efforts during life, and for your parting words upon your death. They apply to me, and I am sure to any one who will read this.

"My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world."
- Jack Layton (1950-2011)

Read the full text of his last letter here: http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/story/2011/08/22/pol-layton-last-letter.html

Nothing but Fish

As DPO 5 is coming to a close, I have nothing to report on the baby front. Nada. I thought my left nipple was sore for a second but realized I had just spilled hot tea on myself and it was burning through my shirt. A bit of constipation yesterday, but again, that could have been the whole milk hot chocolate I unadvisedly (is that a word?) consumed after lunch. Having said all that, I realize that it is silly to expect any symptoms prior to implantation (if it happens) which would be a few days from now.

Something interesting did happen two nights ago. Last week I was perusing a message board where someone mentioned an old wives tale that if you dream about a fish then you are pregnant. Then a bunch of people responded with various alternate versions of this, like, if your mother dreams about a fish, or if you dream about fish three times, or if your mother dreams about you eating a fish, or... you get the picture.

So of course my reaction to this thread is - Bulllllllll Cheeeeeeet! Obviously it is a silly superstition, and now that I have read about it and discredited it, I will not have such a dream.

Sure enough, a few days later I had a fish dream. It was the most vivid dream I have had in a long time (I generally don't remember my dreams at all). In this dream, I had purchased some filets of cod or halibut... something that's not salmon... and got it packed in the special paper they use at the deli. But as soon as it was in my hands I could feel the fish liquids escaping through the paper and making my hands stinky, so I walked super fast to wherever I was going, which turned out to be my grandma's house (it looked nothing like her actual house, but in my dream I knew it was her kitchen). I put the fish down on the counter and said I was going to cook it now, but she was already dressed in her apron and said she would take care of it. I said no, this is my fish and I want to cook it myself because you don't know how I like to prepare it.

That's the last of the dream I remember. Pretty weird, huh? I guess I outsmarted myself subconsciously.

Tubular!

Alright! Ovulation confirmed! And look at that BD record - almost as good as my high school report card (hyuck, hyuck,*snort*).

I am stoked. I am also kind of freaked out that implantation is unlikely when the uterine lining is 50 days old. Although not impossible, so here's hoping.

But now what? No OPK's to pee on, and no HPT's to pee on yet. What a waste of perfectly good urine. Am I to just flush it down the toilet? How barbaric.

I plan to start testing early - maybe CD 9. If I am knocked up, I want to get it on record at the doctor's even if it ends up being a chemical because I want them to run a progesterone test.

My plan for the next two weeks will be to do LOTS of yoga to get plenty of circulation down there. My other plan is to start working on a kitchen renovation, which at this point is the only distraction powerful enough to keep my mind off this.

Will this be a 62 day cycle?

48 days + 17 opk's = (hopefully) 1 ovulation

Wow, that math is a bit depressing, but I'm not going to complain!

I still need a few temps above the cover line to confirm, but I think we may have had an egg drop on CD 48 (or maybe 49). CM was super eggwhity, and then dropped off abruptly to sticky. There appeared to be a pre-O dip in temperature, although that could have been due to sleep deprivation. I got 4 hours sleep that night (sometimes I hate my job), which is more than the requisite for temping, but I find that personally my temps are very affected when I get less than 7 hours. Then there were what I think are positive OPK's. It's tough to tell. They were very dark, the darkest they have been this cycle, and then dropped off to definitely negative yesterday.

The top one is from Friday at 1pm, the bottom from Friday at 9pm. I am going to count the 9pm one as positive, mmmkay?

I really really really hope temps stay up tomorrow because that will be the final piece of the puzzle. We had excellent BDing in quantity and quality =), so if I did ovulate, we have a very good chance of conception.

How do I feel about this? Ugh, I don't know. I keep flip-flopping between being super excited and hopeful, and then very nervous, pessimistic, depressed. At this point I sort of expect this either not to work at all, or to end up in another miscarriage, and I don't want to build up my expectations only to have everything come crashing down. On the other hand, I feel like everything fell into place nicely and we did everything right.

I have tried to take my own advice posted on other people's blogs and just try to enjoy the idea that everything might work out, because 2 weeks of unsubstantiated happiness followed by disappointment is better than 2 weeks of unsubstantiated depression followed by disappointment. But shit, it is easier said than done! The mind plays evil games with us, doesn't it.

Reverse Psychology Physiology

We know reverse psychology works. Examples:

- the time my mother said I shouldn't move away for school
- the time my brother said I'd be too chicken to get a nose piercing
- the time the IT people at work told me I shouldn't get the iPhone

All of those were great decisions spurred on by reverse psychology. But did you know that reverse psychology also works on your body's reproductive system?

Like, let's say you've given up on your current TTC cycle because you're already on CD 40 with no signs of ovulation. And you start working out like crazy because you've gained a few pounds since giving your body a break from exercise in order for it to focus on reproduction. And you have stopped temping every day because you figure it doesn't matter. And you haven't re-stocked your pile of OPK's.

What do you think happens then? I can tell you what! Your body goes, "hmm, so she doesn't want me to ovulate? Well, she can't tell me what to do! I'm in charge around here!"

So then you go to the loo and wipe, to discover that you've miraculously started producing the eggiest of all egg-white CM and you feel pre-o pain in your pelvic region, and you wonder - if I get my hopes up before ovulation is confirmed, will this reverse psychology reverse itself back to anovulation??

It's like a mirror facing a mirror. Your mind implodes. You die. Fin.

Tango.Tango.Charlie.

Time for a TTC update which, unfortunately, will probably be the last one for a while.

I think it might be best to lay this out in chronological order.

When we last left off, I was still recovering from the realization that natural remedies are not enough to get my cycles working properly and that we need to move on to more powerful stuff - i.e. Clomid. I was resolute and called the OB right away to set up an appointment. The conversation went like this:

Me: Hello, Doctor R told me to come in when I am ready for some Clomid, so I would like to set up an appointment.

Receptionista: Hmm, your referral is only valid for 6 months so you will need to get your GP to refer you again.

Me: Ahh, but it has only been 5 months since I was referred, so that should not be necessary.

Receptionista: Oh, but you see, the next available appointment is a month from today, so technically it will be more than 6 months.

Me: So what you're saying is that I need to go this roundabout route even though the doctor has already said she will prescribe the Clomid, and even though I am calling within the 6 month window, and even though my cyles are so messed up that this will likely set me back 3 months before I ovulate next. That is a really stupid and inefficient way to go about things, don't you think?

Receptionista: Call when you have a referral. Goodbye.

So off I went to my GP to get an effing referral. I will probably be unable to get an OB appointment until September (more likely October). I will have to wait until the next cycle to start the Clomid. That next cycle could be... who knows when! (btw, I am on CD 41 with no O). This means I will pass another birthday, another holiday season, another calendar year, another FOREVER before anything happens. Let us commence the self-pity fest.

I am not sure what to do at this point. Here are some options I've been considering:

1. Just forget about TTC. Stop charting, stop OPK'ing, maybe stop the non-stop baby dancing. Return to fitness/hobbies/social life mode.
2. Go get some provera and end this anovulatory bitch of a cycle, and try naturally one more time after that. Last time I took provera it almost killed me, but it did result in my shortest cycle ever.
3. Wait this baby out and hope that I will ovulate eventually. Not sure how likely a pregnancy would be to stick on a CD 60 or 70 ovulation, but we could give it a shot.

Thoughts?

What a Week

On Saturday morning we set off to the Oregon coast for a brief beach getaway. It was, as they say, AMAZEBALLS. We rented a really nice house on the beach (for a very decent price, btw), and spend our days hanging out at the beach, exploring nearby towns, and drinking much sangria. I am not a person who enjoys travelling, and I rarely feel the desire to revisit places I have travelled to, but the Oregon coast is an exception. I will happily return there again and again.

We drove back across the border on Tuesday night, and I was supposed to go to work Wednesday morning. However, upon waking up on Wednesday I was exhausted from the sun and long drive and just couldn't drag myself to the office. Since I knew many other people were away and I would have nothing to do, I "called in sick". The thing is, I don't actually need to inform anyone that I will not be coming in - I send an email to a few people out of courtesy. Anyway, this one chicka emails back "hope you're feeling better soon... btw, classic move". Translation = I don't think you're actually sick.

I don't know why, but this really pissed me off for the rest of the day, thereby spoiling my extra day of fun. Technically she is correct, I am not in fact "sick", but she doesn't know that. What if I was? And in any event, that's the sort of thing you think to yourself, but don't actually say unless you're the boss and you suspect an employee is playing hookie.

I came in to work at 7am yesterday and today, and I have gotten all of my work done on time. Then today another guy made a snide remark about it, and I totally lost it. I basically told him that I didn't think it was funny, and that he didn't know anything about my situation, and then I stormed out and went for a 15 minute walk while sobbing. Overreaction! OK, but seriously?? I am here at least 10 hours per day, sometimes more. I come in on weekends and holidays all the time. I am entitled to take a day off without all this hassle from everyone. Go fuck yourselves, you twats.

Not holding it together

Well, this "doing things the natural way" is a bust. Now that I have calmed down from the realization of what a total bust it is, I am ok with having tried it first before moving on to more drastic measure. But it is a major bust nonetheless.

I am on CD 33.
I have consumed about 59873492387643 supplements.
I have subjected myself to 4 accupuncture sessions - they are not my thing.
I have survived a bladder infection, which apparently had spread into my kidneys.
I reached into my vagina 789834754875 times to check CM.
I have super-secretly peed on OPK's in my office restroom.
I still have not ovulated.

In fact, ovulation is nowhere in sight according to OPK's and CM (or lack thereof). I am so. bloody. frustrated.

I had a breakdown at the ND's office today and am never going back, for the following reasons:

- He keeps saying "all of my other patients... bla bla bla". I AM NOT ALL OF YOUR OTHER PATIENTS! I AM ME!
- He is prescribing herbs which I told him I have already tried and which made me anovulatory (this is probably why I haven't ovulated. DUHH).
- Today, he actually said "it'll be fine once you stop thinking about it so much. You'll probably get pregnant when you go on vacation". ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Could you BE any more cliche than that? This is the last straw, you blithering idiot.

I am so done with this bullshit. But I do not regret having tried it. If I had not tried it, I would not be at this point of absolute rage and frustration, and I would not be ready to just swallow the Clomid, which is precisely what I intend to do. Calling the OB first thing tomorrow morning to get me some magic pills. Booya.

Arghh!!!! @#%$(*%$&*@#%@#*^%@#!!!!!!!!!!

Fail/Win Tally

Fail: I have a (UTI) bladder infection.
Win: The UTI is the result of an irresponsible sex marathon.

Fail: It is CD 27 and I haven't ovulated yet.
Win: We can't BD right now anyway due to the stupid UTI.

Fail: I am swamped at work.
Win: I am taking 4 days to drive down to the Oregon coast next weekend.

Fail: The weather is shitty outside.
Win: I feel better about being stuck inside working.

Fail: I have 7 free yoga passes that expire in July and only 7 days left to use them.
Win: I will be enjoying yoga for 7 days straight.

Wishlist

I pride myself on being a grateful person. I frequently marvel at the thought of how fortunate I am to have all that I have and be living in this place and time. Sometimes it gets to the point where I feel unworthy and can't really enjoy things as much because I keep thinking about how I don't deserve them.

Lately though, I have found myself having little moments of spoiled ungratefulness because for once in my life I can't seem to get something I want. This happened last night and I can't believe how ridiculously my mind was behaving. I came home from work at a reasonable hour and hubbs had already prepared a gluten-free pizza for dinner (yums). We ate pizza and watched Game of Thrones (great new HBO show) for an hour, and then decided to go out and do something while the sun was still out (it has been raining all. freaking. summer.). So we put the top down on the car and drove out to a driving range to hit a few golf balls (the firm golf tournament is coming up and I need to learn how to hit a ball so that I don't completely embarass myself).

So there we are, driving along the pacific ocean shoreline on a sunny July day, without a care in the world and hubbs pops in a Peal Jam CD (the Yield record, which is, IMHO, the best sex marathon CD ever - but that story is for another day). Anyway, "Wishlist" comes on and I start singing along:

I wish I was a neutron bomb, for once I could go off
I wish I was a sacrifice but somehow still lived on
I wish I was a sentimental ornament you hung on
The Christmas tree, I wish I was the star that went on top
I wish I was the evidence, I wish I was the grounds
For 50 million hands upraised and open toward the sky

I wish I was a sailor with someone who waited for me
I wish I was as fortunate, as fortunate as me
I wish I was a messenger and all the news was good
I wish I was the full moon shining off a Camaro's hood

I wish I was an alien at home behind the sun
I wish I was the souvenir you kept your house key on
I wish I was the pedal brake that you depended on
I wish I was the verb 'to trust' and never let you down

I wish I was a radio song, the one that you turned up
I wish...
I wish...


Sigh... when a song like that comes on of course I start wishing for a certain thing that seems to be evading me, and I start getting all weepy and depressed. And then I slap myself (figuratively, because I'm driving and need both hands) for being such an ungrateful bastard. How crazy am I to be in this perfect, blissful moment and be thinking about the one thing that is missing? Not only is it ungrateful, it is needlessly spoiling a good time.

When stuff like this happens, I have to consciously remind myself of how awesome my life is. And I think sometimes even when I do that, I fail to take into account that many of the things I have are totally bonus items on top of what I originally hoped for. For example:

- I have a husband: didn't think this would happen til I was much older, and definitely didn't ever imagine him being as amazing/brilliant/loving as he is.
- I have a home: didn't think it would be as spacious and centrally located as it is, and that I would have almost 1/3 of the mortgage paid off by the time I was 26. Seriously, that is ridiculous.
- I have a family: they are not perfect by any means, but we are a pretty great team. They always help me, and I try my best to help them.
- On top of all this, I also have the cutest cat on the planet.

Overall, I have accomplished pretty much all of the personal goals I had set for myself when I was younger: becoming a self-sufficient career woman, finding a great man, owning a home, adopting a cat, learning how to sail and play the piano (I am at the beginner stage on these, but making great progress), completing a triathlon, visiting Europe, New York and Hawaii.

True, I have had to work VERY hard for some all of these things, but they were also made possible by the positive people and circumstances around me.

What is left to want? Just that one thing I can't seem to get. And honestly, I don't think I would trade that one thing for all of the others I do have, so I guess if I were to die today and had to do the final accounting of life experiences, I wouldn't be in the red. That is the bottom line.

Pokery - Round 2, and the Waiting Game

Ok, second round of acupuncture was much better than the first, even though he actually put in way more needles this time. In addition to the ones in my arms/legs I also had a bunch in the lower belly region (ironically, hubbs used to refer to this area of my body as the "fertile belly valley"... sigh).

I can't say I was super comfortable, but there was no pain this time, and generally very little discomfort. Still having a difficult time not moving for 30 mins, but we can work on the necessary mental stamina.

It has been about 2 weeks of this treatment with herbs and acupuncture, and I don't expect immediate results when going the natural route, but I am starting to fear that it is actually having the opposite effect than intended. I am now on CD 20 and I typically start to get some stretchy CM around this time, but right now all I'm getting is thick creamy stuff. I know that might be reading way too much into things at this point, but hell, what is an infertile girl to do but over-analyze?

I am starting to wonder whether trying to shorten my cycle to 28 days is even desirable. The last three cycles it was consistently around 45 days, so couldn't that just be my "normal"? If I am ovulating and have a normal luteal phase, what is the basis for absolutely requiring it to be 28 days? Perhaps so the ND can make a few bucks off me? Hrrrrmmmmm.

On the bright side, this creamy CM indicates that ovulation will not occur for a while which is good because I have no sperm source until next week. When hubbs returns he will be around for like 2 months straight, so we should (fingers crossed) be able to time things right this cycle.

In the meantime, people need to keep posting blog entries for me to read to distract myself from how long this is taking! Think about it - if I ovulate on CD 35, that means that today (CD 20) is actually like a typical CD 1. Can you imagine having to wait 20 days for your cycle to actually "start" after every period? It's amazing I haven't gone entirely mad (yet).

This is my life clock. It is slow right now:

He got me right in the shins

Wow, I don't remember acupuncture hurting this much. I suppose it didn't "hurt" so much as ached. He put a needle in each foot, ankle, hand and shin (sort of towards the upper part of the shin near the knee cap), and also a needle at the top of my head (wtf). Then he told me to "just relax" (grrr!!!) and try to fall asleep, and left me there for 30 mins.

Relaxation was not really an option. I felt awkward because I couldn't move from that position and I am a very fidgety person. I can't just lay in one place without my back starting to hurt, so I was trying to stretch myself in various directions without messing with the needles. Then, every once in a while, one of the spots would randomly start to pulsate and ache a lot - I don't know why, I didn't do anything to trigger it. I could especially feel it in the ones in my shins because my knees were slightly bent over a pillow, and I guess the blood was flowing fast downstream into my shins.

I was so glad it was over. But even then, for the rest of the day I could feel those spots on my body ache a little. Is this how it is supposed to feel? Am I being a wussy, or does this guy suck?

On the regular

I have said before that I do not believe there is such a thing as TMI (too much information) in the world of IF blogging. We look to each other for emotional support, but we also look for what other people are doing and what does/doesn't work so that we can hopefully solve our own problems.

Having said that... the topic I am about to discuss is not exactly IF related in the most direct way, and is probably top of the list for gross bodily functions. Still, this is an anonymous blog, so there are no real repercussions for saying whatever I want =)

I would like to talk about poop. More specifically, I would like to talk about how much I enjoy pooping on a regular basis. Before starting my gluten free diet and taking some probiotic supplements, I used to be a 3 times per week kind of girl. Now that I am dropping trou 1-2 times per day I cannot believe I lived for so long without the regular pleasure of emptying my bowels. I cannot believe how many years I carried on in a totally bloated, plugged and gassy state.

I would also note that it's not just about quantity. The quality of your product is really quite important. To me, the perfect poop is soft enough to exit smoothly and with little flexing of the cheeks, yet solid enough that only one toilet paper wipe is required. The perfect poop technically doesn't even require a wipe - it comes out in its entirety, leaving no trace behind... on your behind. Of course, a wipe is obligatory in order to ensure the perfect exit and provide a sense of pride and accomplishment.

The complete transformation of my pooping is a source of great encouragement. It means that I can change the way my body has behaved for years; that I can alter something that seemed to just be the "way I've always been". If I can do that, then maybe all of the other things my body seems to have been doing wrong for the last 26 years can be fixed too.

And now, please excuse me, I feel a turtle head pokin' out.

Baby holding virgin

I have never held a baby. Ever. In fact, I don't think I have ever come in physical contact with a child below the age of 3.

Today a lawyer on my floor had a visit from his wife and 3 month old son. They were downtown for an appointment and decided to drop by. Every single female in sight flocked to see the baby. They probably weren't even told there was a baby, their wombs could just sense it.

Anyway, the lawyer let one of the assistants (a mom of 2) hold the little baby boy and she was standing holding him for a good 10 minutes beside me. I thought to myself how ridiculous it is that I have never held a baby, and maybe I should ask to hold him so we could get this monkey off my back. But then I changed my mind. I didn't want to hold him. And it wasn't just because it would be a painful reminder of what I can't have (yet), but more because I kind of like being a baby holding virgin. It would be kind of cool (in a totally useless way) to hold my own baby for the first time when I finally hold a baby.

I was not a virgin before marriage, but I have only ever done it with hubbs. Maybe it's something to do with that? I don't know why this appeals to me, and I admit that it is kind of weird and perhaps poor preparation for parenting.

So... I dunno

I meant to post a total recap of my ND appointment on Friday as soon as I got home, but I couldn't decide how I feel about it. It's been a few days now, so I guess I feel undecided?

Basically the news is that we know how my body is failing, but we still don't know why. Here are the things the hormone panel test revealed:

• My hormone levels, both estrogen and progesterone, are very low. I didn't know this. I always figured I had some kind of hormone imbalance, but assumed I had too much of one thing and not enough of the other.
• Because I do not have enough hormones to stimulate the ovaries, it takes a long time for me to ovulate (around day 35). Nevertheless, I do spontaneously ovulate eventually (yay!). I knew I ovulate (duh, been pregnant twice) and that it happens very late.
• However, low progesterone throughout my cycle prevents me from sustaining a pregnancy, resulting in early miscarriage. Not sure about this one... if I have low progesterone, why is my luteal phase always at least 12 days?

Here is a picture of one of the charts I got from the lab analysis, showing my very low hormone levels:

As you can see, both E and P are just flat until around day 30, and P is especially low.

In addition to this test, I have already had day 3 bloodwork done as well as several ultrasounds, and thyroid tests. What I gather from all of these tests is that I am ovulating and there is no physical obstacle to conception. I do not have PCOS, endometriosis, blocked tubes, or ovarian failure. These are amazingly wonderful things. The only thing we need to do now is figure out how to jumpstart my body into producing more of everything! More estrogen to grow the follicles, more progesterone to support a pregnancy, more, more, more!

The ND gave me three supplements to take in addition to all the vitamins I am already taking. Two of the supplements are herbal concoctions of various chinese herbs (think dong quai, vitex, red raspberry, etc.). The products are called Progesto-mend and Estro-mend (I think I will name my next two cats that). I am to take these between day 12 and 26 in order to encourage my body to act as it should during that time in my cycle. Around day 12 it should start gearing up for ovulation, then it should ovulate, then it should sustain the cycle with sufficient progesterone until around day 26 and then it should flush everything out by day 28. Sounds like a plan.

The third supplement I am to take every night is called Pregnenolone. This shit is actually a bit scary. It is a natural steroid that has been used for some time to encourage hormone production. It is sometimes used to treat arthritis, symptoms of menopause, and adrenal fatigue. It is technically "natural" and sold over the counter, but this stuff is a steroid nonethless, and I am very alert to possible side effects. Still, it is much less potent than, say, Clomid. I've been taking it for 3 days and nothing to report so far in terms of side effects, but also no evidence that it is making a positive difference yet.

Finally, in addition to the supplements, I will be getting poked with some acupuncture needles. I've tried acupuncture before for back pain and it didn't make a huge difference, but whatever, I'll give it a try.

So that sums up the plan for the next little while. I am optimistic but also impatient. I keep getting "good news", as in "we don't see anything terribly wrong with you", so why the eff is this taking so long?

Cruelty

On Tuesday I finaly got a message from the ND about that hormone test I took. The receptionist left a message to this effect:

"Hi, it's Melissa from the ND's office. We received your hormone test results and the doctor would like to see you RIGHT AWAY. Well, actually, he's not available until Friday, and there is only one appointment at 3:30 so it might have to wait til next week if you can't make it then. So... um... I guess give me a call back and we'll set a time."

What. The. Bloody. Eff.

Thanks, Melissa. Thanks for leaving a vague and ominous message for which I will not be able to get an explanation until 3 days later. I will now spend the next 3 sleepless nights googling every possible hormone disorder known to humankind and diagnosing myself with each one. I will become completely dysfunctional at work and withdrawn from my friends and family. I will start regretting every decision I have made in life which delayed our TTC efforts and kicking myself for not realizing that my wacky cycles were a serious medical problem (to be fair, my doctor has always said it was not a problem). Then my self-loathing will take a different turn as I realize what an ungrateful self-absorbed asshole I am for thinking my problems are so horrible when they are relatively minor in the grand scheme of things.

Oh, Melissa. I hope for your sake that your shift ends before 3:30 tomorrow.

Gone to Alabama

One of my favourite euphemisms is the usage of "crimson tide" when referring to one's menstrual period. I take it one step further by just calling it "going to Alabama", home of the Crimson Tide. This combines my love of college athletics with my love of bleeding out my hoo-ha for 5 days =)

Anyway, I am finally going to Alabama today after a prolonged luteal phase of 15 days. The previous two cycles it was only 12. I have to admit I was really tempted to HPT test yesterday when it was already on day 14, even though I knew there was zero chance I was pregnant. What is wrong with me? Well, it's ok, because I didn't actually test despite my insane desires. And now I'm in Alabama and everything has gone as expected.

I only wonder why it took 15 days post-O to bleed. Was it something bad I did to stress myself out and delay, or is my LP getting longer because my body is finally producing the right amount of progesterone? Unknown at this time. I should be getting my hormone panel test results this week so might know more then. In the meantime, I'm just glad to finally be in Alabama.

I got a feelin'

That this cycle's gonna be a good cycle
That this cycle's gonna be a good good cycle
Yeahhhh, wooohoooooo

I just need it to start already. Come on, crimson tide! Flow!

No offense - really.

I'm almost afraid to post this because I don't want to sound like a total bitch, but this is meant to be more of a "wow, I can't believe I'm having these horrible thoughts" rather than an evil rant. I swear.

This is a shout out to certain bloggers out there whose pages I have scanned recently and not added to my reader. Please do not be offended (ha! as if anyone actually cares). You are all excellent, brilliant, caring individuals, but something about where you are in this IF process is too much for me to handle on a daily basis.

I'm talking specifically about bloggers who are currently undergoing IUI, IVF, FET, or have already tried so many acronyms that it's time to take a break. Your blogs scare me and make me lose the dwindling bit of hope I have that I am soooo special, and that things will resolve quickly for me. They may not. They probably will not... a year in and all I have to show for it is 2 dead babies. But right now I need to indulge irrational optimism, also known as "hope".

So I'm sorry I can't add you to my reader just yet. I already have some blogs on my reader list that fall into the same category but I've become attached to them and continue to read them as a sort of reality check on my optimism. As a mean teenage girl would say, "no offense, but" I hope I don't ever reach the point where your stories become the most relatable for me. BUT, if when that is my fate, I will come crawling on my hands and knees for you to accept me.

Lift-off confirmed

Woohoo! Ovulation has been confirmed for the third cycle in a row!

As previously mentioned, this cycle will not result in a baby as the sperm provider was on a business trip the last two weeks. However, this is very good news nonetheless. Firstly, it means that my body is working better than before. Secondly it gives me some indication as to what is not working as perfectly as it should, and some ideas as to what I might need to do fix it. Let me explain.

From charting the last several cycles, I have been able to confirm that I have a decent luteal phase of 12 days. Who knows if I had a normal LP before going gluten free, but I certainly do now. The abnormality lies in my follicular phase length, which is averaging about 34 days. Dr. Google suggests that a very long follicular phase may result in over mature eggs and a uterine lining that is too thick, creating a higher chance of miscarriage. I haven't been able to confirm this with a real medical professional yet (in fact, all of my doctors have stated that a long cycle is not a problem as long as you are ovulating.) Sooo... I dunno, it seems like it couldn't hurt to try and shorten the FP?

I don't think that Clomid is necessarily the best first choice right now, because I've seen a lot of charts of people who take Clomid and their cycle is still really long, or gets even longer than before. The only thing that I've been able to find that has consistently helped people to shorten the FP is false unicorn root (which, frankly, sounds really freaky and mystical), so I will ask my naturopath about this when we meet to discuss the results of my hormone panel test.

If anyone has had a similar problem with really long follicular phase, please share any wisdom you may have. Thanks and peace out.

Madness!

This is completely unrelated to IF, but I just have to vent. My city is in shambles. People are rioting for the past 3 hours since we lost a stupid fucking hockey game, and there is no end in sight. Cars are being set on fire and exploding, mobs are fighting on the streets, people are throwing stuff through store windows and throwing glass bottles from overpasses to the streets below. There are helicopters circling the downtown core, and they've called in riot police from all neighbouring municipalities.

I am so ashamed and disappointed. This beautiful city, in this amazing and prosperous country, has deteriorated into a scene from Baghdad circa 2006. It just goes to show that people have absolutely no appreciation for what they have and no desire to protect it. They sing the anthem at the game as if they give a shit about their freedom and the peace they are fotunate enough to enjoy thanks to the efforts of others, and then they behave in the most juvenile and ungrateful manner.

Save your riots for things that actually matter. Like democracy. Or human rights. Or the G20 Summit (sorry Toronto). Or doorcrasher sales at electronics stores.

And I know people all over the world who envy what we have will just jump at the opportunity to point out what a disgrace this is. And you know what? They're right. For shame. For shame!!!

Privacy Please

Yesterday, on a glorious sunny Saturday afteroon, I was enjoying a glass of wine on a patio along the ocean seawall. Three of my young, unmarried, lawyer friends were with me and we were having a great time gossiping about office happenings, movies, travel...

"This is awesome", I thought to myself. A safe environment where breeding is not the meaning of life and people remind me that life is full of all kinds of other validly wonderful things. And then one of them breaks the spell - "so, when are you guys having kids?"

I've fielded this question many, many times before, but for some reason never quite managed to craft a good response. Tonight I'm going out for dinner with some ladies I haven't seen in years, so I thought I should take the time to come up with something good to say when they inevitably ask that irritating question. Here is what I've come up with, the key ingredient being sarcasm. Please share your comebacks of choice in the comments.

So, when are you having kids?

1. I'm so glad you brought this up! My husband and I really want to include you in these decisions.
2. Don't worry, when I decide to have unprotected sex I'll be sure to post it on Facebook.
3. If asked by a member of husband's family: I'm waiting til I meet the right person.
4. I just don't know if I want to bring a child into such a world of inappropriate questions.

And my personal favourite...

1. As soon as they stop dying in my uterus!

Check-up

For my own records before I forget (and for anyone who might actually be interested), these are observations about how I feel three months into the GF diet:

Digestive

• Going #2 twice a day without needing to ingest copious amounts of fibre. As opposed to once every few days before.
• Able to digest multi-vitamins containing iron.
• Gas emissions have been lowered from constant to almost non-existent. I'm like an electric car. It's amazing I still have friends considering how farty I have been the last 25 years.

Reproductive

• Cycles have become shorter and more predictable, and all ovulatory so far. The one before GF was anovulatory.
• No more patches of EWCM that do not correspond to ovulation.

Other

• Clear skin except when consuming dairy (note to self - stop consuming dairy).
• Hands and feet not cold anymore.
• Fewer back spasms/pain.
• Consistent energy throughout the day.
• Require less sleep to feel rested.
• Fewer sugar cravings (though I still enjoy my chocolate on occasion).

Still Problematic

• Dry, itchy skin and scalp.
• Sperm has not met egg.

Losing Sleep

There will not be much sleeping tonight thanks to screaming crowds and honking car horns outside my building. As mentioned in a previous post, the city has gone hockey mad. Tonight the Canucks won 1-0 and are one game away from winning the Cup. I'm sure even those who have never been to Canada know by our reputation how much that means to people.

So I definitely will not be getting a restful slumber like I normally do before the weekend. That's OK. I'm pretty sure that even without the pandemonium outside I would be keeping myself up thinking about all kinds of other statistics, such as:

...Had a positive OPK today which is good...probably a 46 day cycle this time... means the GF diet is working or something is making me function consistently better. A period in 4 out of the last 5 months, beating last year's abysmal total of 3 periods... (3 periods? insert hockey pun here)...

...Ok, that's good. But that definitely means no conception this cycle as Hubbs is away until next weekend. That's ok. That's ok. If this is going to be a consistent cycle length, then he will be in town during the next opportunity. Shit, looking at the calendar, that will be almost exactly one year since the first time we conceived in 2010. I guess that's supposed to make me upset? It really doesn't. I've gotten knocked up twice in that one year so the stats are not all negative...

On a totally different note, I should have the saliva hormone test results within a few weeks and can maybe get some treatment to speed things up even more? Hmm... in any event, will not get full mat leave unless the due date is more than a year from now (btw, how fucking ridiculous is that? I have been with this firm since September 2010, but because they only hired me to "officially" start a permanent position on June 14 (i.e. next week), I will not be eligible for full mat leave benefits until I've worked past June 14, 2012). Bastards. I don't care, I will take a pay cut, hell I'll PAY to have a baby before then...

And so the mind keeps running and running, and I can't get to sleep. So I log back into FertilityFriend and obsess over these:

There is more to life than this

It's natural to get fixated on troubles in your life. If you don't concentrate on your problems, you'll have a tough time solving them. But there comes a point where being driven and focussed turns into tunnel vision, blocking out all the wonderful things that are concurrently taking place around you.

If you catch yourself falling into this trap, or if someone is kind enough to point out your total lack of perspective, you gotta snap out of it. For me, this happened today as I packed up my stuff on the way home from work. I turned past office window and caught a glimpse of sailboats on the Burrard inlet. The sun still beaming bright despite it being 7pm. In the foreground, the Olympic torch was lit in support of the Canucks playing game 3 of the Stanley Cup Finals.

I walked home in my comfy Birkenstock sandals, past crowds of jersey-clad fans watching the game on jumbo screen TV's set up along the downtown streets. The atmosphere is electric. What a fucking epic day. I haven't forgotten my problems completely, but they have taken a back seat for a while and it feels nice.

* The Canucks promptly got slaughtered 8-1. Also, the forecast calls for rain tomorrow. Oh well, you can't have everything!

Gluten free, cycle three - it rhymes!

On the last episode of TCC Gluten Free (that rhymes too!) I had just experienced my first "normal" length cycle of 44 days. It remained to be seen whether this was merely a fluke, or the beginning of a trend of improvement. I am happy to report that cycle two after going off the glutes was also a relatively decent length of 46 days, and it was probably delayed a bit by the stress of travelling for 3 weeks.

I am currently on CD 29 of GF (gluten free) cycle number 3 and my CM indicates that it should again be in the range of 45 days or so (I hope).

The only downside to all of this is that last cycle we had a BFN (I blame the travelling and being sick for a week after ovulation). Also, this cycle hubbs is out of town for what looks to be the prime baby making time, so that's 2 quality cycles down the drain. I am hoping this summer will be more productive.

In other news, I am taking this hormone panel test through my ND which requires that I collect 11 saliva samples throughout the length of my cycle. Here is a website that summarizes the test: http://www.acupuncturehealth.net/s_female.php

Basically, the samples get sent off to the lab where they will determine what hormone deficiency or overproduction is causing the irregular cycles. I am not sure if my ND will be able to do anything with this information because I have always been this way and I feel like my body is just innately messed up, but for $300 I'm willing to give it a try. In the meantime, I am collecting these little tubes of saliva every few days. Very attractive to be spitting into a receptacle for an hour (yes, it takes that long to collect). Has anyone out there done this test? Did it lead to anything useful?

Hello? Anybody out there?

I don't know if anybody still reads this thing, what whatever. If you do, rest assured that even though I haven't posted in ages I have been actively following YOU.

The lack of posts can be explained by a fun mix of reasons:

1. I went on a 3 week epic vacation to NYC and Israel and had no interest in thinking about this stuff;
2. I am a lazy bastard;
3. because I have been following others in the meantime, I have seen many of you have great baby success and felt somewhat discouraged.

Over time I recovered from the initial sting of seeing other people's ultrasounds. I took my time to deal and now I am ready to resurface. I am now able to see that other people's successes are actually a good thing - if others are finally experiencing success after a seemingly impossible journey, then so can I.

I am also realizing based on others' experiences that it usually is just a matter of time. My problem right now is not necessarily that I can't have children, it's that I can't have them RIGHT THIS MINUTE!! Well, honestly, that's a first world problem and I need to get past the stupid impatience. A fitting quote I recently came across:

You know what's not a funny April Fools joke?

Facebook Status: "I'm pregnant with number 3! .... April Fools!"

Fuck you.

The eat nothing tasty diet - progress

It's day 35 of my anti-allergen diet (no gluten, dairy, eggs, soy). I feel like 35 days is sufficient time to make some observations that aren't just one-day flukes. Here's how my body has responded so far:

The first few days I was extremely tired and lethargic, and quite bloated. I figured it was either not working or my body was just in a sort of withdrawal that would pass with time.

Things started to improve after about a week. I began to feel way more energetic and alert. A few days later I also noticed that my digestive system was working much more efficiently - no more bloating/constipation. Most interestingly, I was LESS hungry even though I was eating less. I presume this means that I am absorbing more nutrients from the food and my body doesn't keep asking for more. 

It's actually weird to feel full. I'm so used to always being hungry and therefore always having room for seconds/thirds. It's a very bizarre experience to look at food and not want to put it in my mouth! No complaints though =)

And the coup d'etat - NO MORE ACNE!!! Unbelievable! Not even one tiny zit to be found for weeks. If you've ever struggled with acne, you know how frustrating and demoralizing it can be. You also know the amazing feeling you get on an acne free day (I've had only a handful since puberty). Not only does this make me feel awesome on the outside, it makes me think that things are also working better on the inside.

Now, on to the TTC related things. When I started the diet I was on CD 19 with no sign of ovulation (CM totally dry, OPK's all negative). After giving up the bread, I ovulated within 10 days and had a 44 day cycle. That is the shortest cycle I have ever had, and is even recognized as within the "normal" range by some. Now I am on day 10 of this new cycle, and we'll see if ovulation occurs within a reasonable time again, or whether last cycle was a fluke.

Missing Cat - Reward - 100 kibbles

I have been totally M.I.A. from this blog for some time. But whatever, this is to be used on a needs-basis. I have actually been bumming around the blogosphere reading other people's blogs but not posting on my own, which I think is a good sign (that I don't feel the need to vent about anything at the moment).

Nothing major has happened recently. I'm still working, going to yoga, and playing with the cat. I'm still charting, but not googling/messageboarding as obsessively as before.

I guess I'm just in a place of nothingness at the moment and feeling ok about it. And that's pretty great.

I do want to write an entry about my gluten-free diet progress, as I want to have a solid record of it. I will get on that.

Yeah, baby! ...not quite

Ok, I don't know if it's the new diet or just pure luck, but YEAH BABY! We have ovulation!! Not to mention it's on CD 32, which is like, unheard of. That means this cycle will be around 45 days long. I have never gone below 60 days.

The "not quite" part in the blog title refers to the fact that, as you perverts may have already noticed, there was no BD'ing anywhere near the big O on account of hubbs being away. I suppose I could have BD'ed with someone else here, but would rather not.



So definitely no chance of a kitten this time around, but we're making progress!

Epic Wins

I know I spend a lot of time whining about bad things that happen to me (at least I feel like I do)... but I really am a firm believer in balance and karma. You win some, you lose some. Sometimes fortune smiles upon you, sometimes it takes a dump on your head. So even though the past year has been filled with unhappy and disappointing events (i.e. dead babies), I still had faith that eventually things would turn around and balance out the horribleness. And they have.

In the last 24 hours I got great news about two very different but important things:

1. I was hired as a full-time lawyer by my firm, which is something I have been working towards for the past 7 years. Woot.

2. I found out that my blood work and ultrasound are normal and I do NOT appear to have PCOS. Double woot.

All of a sudden I have renewed energy for this TTC process, and for life in general. Even though today the doctor offered Clomid to speed things up, I declined. I have the strength and patience to let nature take its course (at least for a little while). And now that I'm basking in this glory, I am thinking of all you peeps out there who may be going through a rough patch, and hoping that you all get to experience an upswing very very soon, because you all deserve it. Word.

Isn't it IRONic

Alanis Morissette's song Ironic isn't really ironic. "Rain on your wedding day" is not really ironic so much as just shitty. Same for "good advice that you just can't take". Not ironic. Wikipedia agrees with me on this, so I rest my case.

Similarly, this post is not actually ironic - but don't be disappointed, there is still a play on words! This post is about iron, as in the metallic element listed as "Fe" on Mendeleev's Periodic Table, with atomic number 26. *Nerd snort*. More precisely, this post is about my LACK of said iron and how it may be the key to everything that's been going on with my body of late.

Here's the deal. I am severely anemic. My ND says he has never seen someone with such bad numbers, and coincidentally with such long menstrual cycles. He believes the two are linked, and that this may also explain my tendency to miscarry. So far, that makes sense to me.

The real question is why I am so lacking in this essential mineral. I went through a vegetarian spell a long time ago, but have been eating plenty of meat and other iron-rich foods. The problem is with absorption in the gut, and the suspected culprits are common allergens such as dairy, gluten, eggs, nuts, etc. which irritate my belly and prevent it from functioning optimally.

Facts that are consistent with this theory:
- I don't menstruate when I'm exercising regularly (exercise takes up the little iron I have left).
- I am also low on other nutrients that are essential to a successful pregnancy: Vit D, Vit B, Calcium, Magnesium.
- I have constant indigestion and all the other things listed in the Pepto Bismol jingle.

So the plan right now is to clear my diet of all those things and see if the numbers improve over time. I am more than happy to do this as I am already very particular about what I eat.

Interestingly, the ND said that he has never seen anyone with such a long cycle (2-5 months). As much as I would love to be so special, I have a hard time believing this is such a rare thing, since I know a number of ladies in the blogosphere who have super long cycles. I am definitely going to cross-check everything he said with my OB and possibly get a second opinion to confirm.

A most enjoyable spin class

I signed up for the "30 day challenge" at my yoga studio. This involves attending a class each day for 30 consecutive days. So far it has definitely been "challenging", both schedule-wise and physically, even though I haven't been doing that many intense hot classes. It's amazing how much energy you use up by just stretching for an hour...

Anyway, today I decided to kick it up a notch and go to a spin class (they do a weird yoga + cycling thing, that actually works). A most interesting thing happened when I got on the bike... I know that I'm in high pre-ovulation mode these past few days, and I know that one thing that happens is you feel, umm, more easily pleasured, but I did not expect to feel it through my padded bike shorts! Goooood tiiiiimes.

Last chance babydance

Well, this is it. Cycle day 23 and no ovulation yet. Hubbs is going on a two-week trip for work tomorrow so unless eggie drops in the next few days, today's army of spermies will not be victorious. But then again, I may not ovulate for still another two weeks, and we won't miss the window of opportunity after all. Who knows! Bahahahaha [maniacal laugh].

Copy Kitty

Stole these from MommyOdyssey. Who doesn't love to talk about themselves?

1. Age: 26.
2. Blog Title Inspiration: I love pussy? I love law?
3. Chore You Hate: Scrubbing the bathtub. I am a small person. It is a large tub.
4. Day at the Beach or Cozy Rainy Day? My propensity to burn after 5 minutes in the sun (even with SPF 60) makes beach days a pain. Coincidentally, my city has 350 rainy days a year or something, so not much choice.
5. Essential Start Your Day Item: Roll left - BBT thermometer. Roll right - check Blackberry.
6. Favorite Color: Is "sparkly" a colour? Just kidding. I'll content myself with Tiffanys teal. Teehee.

1. Gold or Silver? Quoting directly from MommyOddyssey: "Silver. Definitely. Even my engagement ring and wedding ring are in white gold. Don’t know why, but I associate gold with guidos. Just don’t like it."
2. Height: 5’5″ on a good day. 
3. Instruments You Play: Learning to play the piano right now! It's been about a year and I'm marginally better than a 6 year old.
4. Job Title: Lawyer.
5. Kids: 2 miscarriages.
6. Live: Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, North America, Northern Hemisphere, Planet Earth, Solar Galaxy, Milky Way.
7. Mom’s Name: Don't be talkin' bout my mamma.
8. Book Currently on Your Nightstand: The Writings of Ghandi... buried underneath a bunch of trashy magazines.
9. Nickname: None that I wish to promote.
10. Overnight Hospital Stays? Nevah!
11. Pet Peeve: People who smoke in parks, especially if I'm jogging by.
12. Quote from a Movie: "The question isn't what are we going to do. The question is what aren't we going to do." - Ferris Bueller
13. Right or Left Handed? Right handed in writing, left handed in sports. Weird, I know.
14. Siblings: Brother.
15. Time You Wake Up? Physically up at 7am, mentally alert after noon.
16. Underwear: Lululemon thongs.
17. Vegetable You Dislike: NONE. All vegetables are delicious. Especially delicious are onions, beets, cucumbers, mushrooms, and broccoli. Unfortunately for my parents, I only came to this realization at the age of 20.
18. What Makes You Run Late: Being unable to locate one of the three essential items - keys, wallet, phone. I run through this checklist any time I'm leaving any place. Have lost my stuff so many times...
19. Yummy Food You Make: I am no gourmet chef, but my grilled cheese sandwich is famous. In my university residence days, I had hungry students lined up out the door for one.
20. Zoo, Favorite Animal: Any member of the feline species, but particularly ones with spots. I am considering this for my next Halloween costume. What do you think?

And now it's YOUR turn!